diligence

"If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us; like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." - CS Lewis

The entries in my journal for the past three weeks have had a common theme: a deep desire to remain diligent. Living here at IHOP the past 6 months has been like a true oasis and a breath of fresh air. It has been water for my thirsty soul. The discipline of the program and the Holy Spirit have given me the boundaries necessary to stay on track. I now find that I am afraid of being left to my own devices, so to speak, and the barrage of distractions that await me. I feel exhausted really for the first time since I got here and have felt myself wanting to pull away from many things. I have had a tough time certain days staying engaged in the program and sticking to my commitment to the fasted lifestyle. I don't want to go back to the way that I was; settling for lesser things, wasting my time on frivolous pursuits. Even in this place I don't feel like I have my personal life structured or disciplined enough.

The truth is that I have come a long way. Sanctification is a life long process. My own twisted sense of perfectionism wants the work to be complete. I no longer want to struggle with all of the issues that have been brought to the surface and revealed to me through His kindness and gentle mercy. But what has really happened in the past 6 months is that while I have been set free of so many things, ultimately the point is awareness. The Father has made me aware of the snares of the enemy and given me the grace to stand against him in my authority as a believer. Temptations never cease, they just get more subtle. The Father has given me confidence in my identity in Him and in the calling He has placed on my heart. It is with these tools that I will be able to continue to stand and walk in obedience. It is by continuing to behold Him as in a mirror with unveiled face that I will become more and more like Him. He will complete the work He has begun in me. So in my voluntary weakness, though I get frustrated and doubtful, and see the lack that still exists in my soul, I will say "Jesus, I trust your leadership." I will rest in His promise that His strength will be made perfect in my weakness. And I will pray:

"God help me. I want to be intentional about how I spend my time. I want to stay in the Word. I want to give myself to prayer. I want to stay connected intimately to Your heart. I do not want to be dull with the things of this world. I want to be fascinated by You. I have tasted and I have seen and I cannot go back to the way things were. I want to be a bright and shining lamp, one who is on fire for You. I want to glorify Your Name and make Your Name known every where I go. I want to serve You, and serve Your children whom You love. I want to do things that matter and that last unto the Day of Your appearing. I want to walk in the fullness of Your plan for my life. I want to operate in the fullness of my identity in You. Strengthen my weak heart. Anoint my weak words. Bless my weak attempts. I cannot accomplish one of these things without You. I choose to walk in weakness before you so that Your strength can be made perfect in me and that You will be glorified. Lead me. All power and authority has been given unto You, Jesus. Amen."

Although this is the final week of Intro to IHOP and the program is almost complete, I am still a work in progress. This is only the beginning of the next chapter in my journey. It is my hope that with each turn of the page of my story the Lord will be glorified more and more.

"I want to be well pleasing to You on the Day that I stand before You. I want to be well pleasing to You, so I make it my aim in all I do."