in honor of swanger

Today is one of my best friend's birthday. He has entered the 30's decade, and with more grace than I did, I must say. It's scary to say goodbye to the 20's, but Swanger is handling it very well. So in honor of his birthday, I want to give a shout out to him for being a pretty darn amazing friend.

We met over 15 years ago at church camp. (It seems like the most important people in my life are from "church camp". I'll have to write about that later.) We had some good times over the years, but a real connection started one cold February MANY years later, when I visited Michigan to see someone else, and spent some time with him at his parent's home. I don't know how to describe in words what made the difference. Swanger has this way of looking into your heart and soul. Conversations are rarely surface or superficial. He wants to know what makes you tick. Because authentic relationships are important to me, this quality attracted me like a moth to a flame. I remember spilling out some of the most painful circumstances in my life to him while sitting on the living room couch. (Right after a impromptu sing-a-long at the piano!) The tide of our acquaintance turned at this point toward deeper friendship.

Even more time passed, and more church camp, (even now as adults!), and the bond grew stronger. Several Ohio friends starting visiting Michigan with me, and Swanger became a regular part of our lives. The miles starting racking up, back and forth, on all of our vehicles. God was doing something in our hearts that was making it necessary to see one another, no matter what the cost. We were having fun together, laughing like it was our job, and enjoying and worshipping God together...but God had even bigger plans.

This foundation of friendship became a building block that God used to draw us closer to Him. Swanger and I, and several others, were on a spiritual journey: Each of us asking the Lord our own private questions and petitioning to know Him more. God began to speak to Swanger, who then in turn began to speak to us, and the entire experience revolutionized our relationship with Jesus forever. We had no idea what God had in mind when He drew us all together, but I look back now in utter amazement at the beauty of God's plan. We were able to share with one another in total trust and love the things God was doing, and had the opportunity to share in and praise His goodness. It is a experience we will be able to share forever.

On a lighter note, here is a list of things I am thankful that Swanger shared with me:

1. WILL FERRELL'S BEST OF SNL DVD. Goulet! By far the funniest SNL DVD of all time!
2. LaShish, garlic breath and all!
3. Misty Edwards, the IHOP Diva (I will never forget the impact of the first time we all listened to this CD in Kelly's van)
4. Jason Upton's music. Especially "Fly"...remember getting knocked on our faces during that song?
5. The tour of the Upper Pennisula Fall of '03. Amazing beauty.
6. Our elvish friend, Jen Lombardo and her fiery Furnace.
7. Your amazing gift of leading worship. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your team.
8. Two words: FAMOUS DAVE'S!
9. Hours of cell phone conversations starting with laughter and ending with prayers and prophecy.
10. For loving me with the unconditional love of the Father.

Thanks, my friend, for allowing yourself to be used by God to enrich my life. I can't imagine my life without you.

Happy 30th Birthday, Aaron.

tis the season

My faith in God and His Creation was given a huge boost this morning. Interestingly enough, it all began around 6:00 AM. I hate that my days have been starting that early because “morning person” I am not. But one of my morning rituals is listening to morning shows on the radio. I specifically look for funny DJ’s who don’t play a lot of music. This may sound strange coming from a music lover, but in the mornings I like to have people talking to me. This morning I was listening to WNCI and within minutes of the show’s start, the DJ’s announced that their plans for the morning were going to be thrown out the window because something else had come up. Let me preface with the news story that inspired the morning programming on the most popular radio show in Central Ohio.

Thursday it was reported that the Salvation Army warehouse in Columbus had been robbed. Someone had stolen over 450 toys and gifts that were being stored for the annual Christmas Party. This event is held by the Salvation Army for local families who can’t afford presents for their children. They provided gifts for over 6500 kids last year. This was a blow to their efforts, especially considering the drop in donations this year due to stores banning their collection buckets and the needs of Hurricane Katrina victims. The DJ’s, as well as the rest of Central Ohio, were outraged that someone would steal toys from needy children. So, Dave & Jimmy decided to set up collections spots around the city to gather donations of toys to replace what was stolen. It was all so touching, and the response was so great, that I spent most of the morning in tears. Dozens of people instantly volunteered their morning, their vehicles, their money…and in the four hours they were on the air, they collected SEVEN THOUSAND TOYS and almost TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS in cash donations to go out and buy MORE toys. What started out as a last minute idea turned out to be a huge success. It was so amazing to see how quickly everyone responded and how generous people could be. Meijer’s Stores donated $5000 in cash, and several Wal*Marts donated hundreds of dollars in gift cards. A local Marine Corp. group donated over a thousand hand-held electronic games. It was just unbelievable.

This is more than just a “touchy feely” story to me. It was such a huge revelation of God’s sovereignty and orchestration. He used a couple of radio DJ’s (who often are so immoral I have to change the station) on a secular station to right the wrong of a thief who meant harm and threatened to “ruin Christmas” for several hundred children. The Salvation Army representatives were on the radio sharing their faith. The abundance of what was donated helped make up for the fact that Target and other stores would not allow the bell ringers outside their store anymore. And I also saw how God honored the Salvation Army for being such a huge part of the Katrina relief. It was all such a beautiful thing. I wish I could have written about it this morning while it was fresh on my heart! But hopefully you will get the point I am trying to make. It was such a beautiful picture painted by God of selfless love and sacrifice. One four year old girl went to the collection site and donated every new toy she had received the day before for her birthday. THAT my friends is the spirit of Christmas!

revelation

Several weeks ago I wrote about experiencing a spiritual "wilderness". Since then, it hasn't seemed to get any better. It's no wonder, when my life is pretty much centered around my job and I don't have a community that I worship with regularly. I am NOT created for 40+ hours a week in a factory or office. I am created for ministry and relationship building. I long for the day when that is more the focus of my life.

Last Sunday was a great day. I was able to go to the church I love and spend sometime singing and worshipping Jesus. During the sermon, which was about God's plan for us all, the Lord revealed a couple of very important things to my heart. I want to try and communicate these things because they were very impacting.

First, Jesus showed me that I was trying to find my identity in His calling rather than in Him. It doesn't matter if I am working in a factory or in ministry; HE is my center, and I will be known as HIS and not by any title or occupation. This is a difficult achievement in a world that asks not "Who are you?", but "What do you do?". I have faith that He is able to help me rest in the knowledge that I am His beloved, regardless of what might be on my name badge.

Second, and closely related, He revealed to me that validation would not come from achieving the next step (such as making it to language school or full time ministry) but from Him. In my submission to His timing, I am also agreeing to be satisfied wherever He has me. His love, His grace, His mercy . . . . these are my only validation. I am His and He is mine, regardless of where I am. It's not easy to face people sometimes when things seem to be taking longer than what might be considered "normal" as far as fundraising and preparation. Let me be brutally honest: it can be downright paralyzing worrying what "other people" might think. I should not be trying to "prove myself" to anyone. I am called to obey the Lord Jesus Christ, not man.

Breathing in this Truth was very freeing. I felt so much lighter and more peaceful when I left church that morning. Jesus has been faithful, yet again, to speak to my heart when I desperately needed to hear my Husband's voice.

wow

Three words:

NARNIA! SEE IT!

everybody has their limits

Working as holiday help the past couple months has been interesting. I have worked in so many small Christian office settings in the past five to six years that I had forgotten what it was like to be surrounded by a large number of fellow employees. The drama in the "real world" can be mildly entertaining at times, and sometimes it can make you crazy. I have a tough time being the one whom everyone comes to to talk about someone else, though I have been in that situation my entire life. I am not sure exactly what it is that makes people feel like they can trust me. Maybe it's because I don't spend my time talking about other people?? Anyway, it can be a big responsibility. In college I had a loveseat in my dorm room that everyone started calling "the therapy couch" because girls would always be in my room sharing their problems and frustrations. I enjoy being able to listen to people and offer advice when they want it, but it can be stressful, too. I'd never make it in the professional counseling world. I will leave that to my unbelievably gifted sister-in-law.

The biggest issue I have right now is my direct supervisor. She is one of the most negative people I have met, though she is really a very nice person. Most of the time I enjoy working with her, but as the holiday rush has hit, she gets more and more difficult. She loses it over the tiny stuff; an error message on the computer screen, the tape gun running out of tape, etc. Yesterday I had to keep to "re-claiming" the day under my breath because she kept saying over and over "This is going to be a bad day" and "We are going to be in backorder hell today". With all I have learned about positive thinking and watching the words that come out of my mouth, it has been increasingly difficult to work around someone so dramatic and negative. I will admit that I am naturally a more laid back person, and I am more reserved (not shy!) so it is easier for me to let things roll off my back. HOWEVER, my supervisor has an extreme case of the opposite!

Well this week has been a long week. I worked 2 hours overtime everyday and we were so swamped with orders that it was tough to keep up. At the end of the day yesterday something went wrong with the engraving machine I was working with and I made a "GRRRRRR" sound out loud. My supervisor looked over at me and laughed and said "You're starting to sound like me!" I looked at her and said, "Well, even I have my limits" and laughed it off.

Her comment brings two things to light. First, she, and undoubtedly others, are noticing how I react to my surroundings. They see how I handle stress and difficulty and they compare it to others. This leads me to believe that they also notice how I react to them 'bad-mouthing' fellow employees. This was a huge reminder to me that I don't live in a bubble and my reputation is at stake.

Second, it reminded me that I need to take care of myself if I expect to continue to be able to not sweat the small the stuff. Coming to work 2 hours early everyday, not going to bed any earlier, and NOT SPENDING ENOUGH QUIET TIME WITH JESUS all factor into whether or not I can adequately portray Jesus to the people I work with. God has given me the grace to be an example of JOY but I can also mess it up pretty good if I am not more intentional about it. Yesterday's comment didn't ruin everything I have tried to convey with my life at work. It's not like I started cussing or throwing things around the room. It just woke me up enough to realize how easy it would be to slip into a negative rut. I don't want to take for granted the opportunity God has given me to shed His light in the workplace.

christmas music? what?

Every year I go through this apprehension when it comes to Christmas music. Don’t get me wrong, I ADORE Christmas music, and even more, the Reason for it. But everyone is in such a rush to bring in the Christmas season, and I am always worried about hearing the music “too soon”. I’m afraid of it losing it’s magic and appeal if I hear it too soon. And I am always shocked at how fast time is flying by and how the holidays sneak up on me every single year. [I am a “Chrismas Eve Shopper”; one of those insane people who waits until the last possible minute to hit the malls. It is part procrastination, part financial necessity, but it’s all true!]

I listened to some great Christmas music over the weekend (thanks Swanger!) and it felt right. So, I gathered up all my Christmas CD’s, took them to work with me today, and popped a few in periodically throughout the day. The last one I listened to today is one of my favorites—RelientK’s “Deck the Halls, Bruise Your Hand”. Before you laugh at the prospect of Christmas punk music, read the words to my favorite song on the album:

“And with Christmas wish is missed the point I could convey;
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much you’ve touched my life,
Because,
Here is where you’re finding me, in the exact same place as New Year’s Eve,
And from the lack of my persistence here, we’re less than half as close as I wanna be.

And the first time that you opened your eyes,
Did you realize that you would be my Savior?
And the first breath that left your lips…
Did you know that it would change this world forever?

And so this Christmas I’ll compare,
The things I’ve felt in prior years;
To what this Midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here.

To look back and think that this Baby would one day save me.
And the hope that, that You were born, were born so I might really live.
To look back and think that this Baby would one day save me…

And the first time that you opened your eyes,
Did you realize that you would be my Savior?
And the first breath that left your lips…
Did you know that it would change this world forever?

And I…I celebrate the day that You…You were born to die,
So I could one day pray for you to save my life…
Pray for you to save my life…
Pray for you to save my life.”

What makes it all even more wonderful is that it is written in the Ben Fold’s Five--“Brick”--90’s--melancholy--piano--style that I absolutely love. I tear up every time.

The point is, however, is in the reflection. Am I different than I was a year ago? Have I pursued Him the way I so desperately wanted to? Do I take this season for granted; getting caught up in the materialism, or do I remember the simplicity of this supernatural event that changed the world forever?

It is my prayer that I will take every opportunity to reflect on His love and sacrifice for me, and that I will continue to pursue Him in the year to come. He is so worthy of the pursuit! As we worship Jesus this Christmas season, may He give us an deeper understanding of the gift He has given us.

aslan is on the move

In honor of the upcoming December '05 premiere of CS Lewis', "The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe", on the BIG screen, I have been re-reading the Chronicles of Narnia that I enjoyed so much as a child. I never owned the set, but instead borrowed them from the library. A few months ago, however, my mom found a boxed set at yard sale and brought them home to me. I was thrilled to own them at last! So I started out in September reading them, starting with "The Magician's Nephew" this time instead of TLTW&TW. Because it tells the tale of how Narnia began, new prints of the series are being re-numbered to begin with what had been the 6th book out of seven. I am enthralled, even more today than I was when I was a kid. A pale comparison would be that of the Looney Toons. When you watch them as a child you laugh at the sight gags and the shenanigans. As you get older, you laugh at the political satire and jokes only adults can understand. These books are much like that, because beyond the fantasy and obvious correlations with Scripture are the deeper spiritual truths. I was struck by one passage in particular while reading "Prince Caspian".

The whole story leads you to a battle in the end to restore the rightful King of Narnia, Prince Caspian. There is one valiant character, Reepicheep, who is a two foot tall talking mouse. He and his 11 companions are swordsmen and intensely loyal subjects. Reepicheep is pretty mouthy, and his speech is much larger than his stature. He is, of course, over-compensating for his size and because of all of the abuse he had suffered being the brunt of cheese and mousetrap jokes. But he is endearing and very brave, and fights almost to the point of death. Aslan (all I can say for those of you who have not read the series is that he is a lion and represents the Son of God in the story line. That's a pathetically sparse explanation, but I will leave it alone to save time. SEE THE MOVIE AND THEN READ THE BOOKS-PEOPLE!) has the little girl, Lucy, apply the magic cordial to his wounds, and he comes around, but only to realize that he's lost his tail. Here is the conversation that takes place. (Forgive me for the length! It's important!)

"It becomes you very well, Small One, " said Aslan.

"All the same," replied Reepicheep, "if anything can be done...perhaps her Majesty?" and here he bowed to Lucy.

"But what do you want with a tail?" asked Aslan.

"Sir," said the Mouse, "I can eat and sleep and die for my King without one. But a tail is the honour and glory of a Mouse."

"I have sometimes wondered, friend," said Aslan, "whether you do not think too much about your honour."

The next few lines consist of Reepicheep trying to defend his need for honor in a world that judges dignity in inches. Aslan notices something else.

"Why have your followers all drawn their swords, may I ask?" said Aslan.

"May it please your High Majesty," said the second Mouse, whose name was Peepiceek, "we are all waiting to cut off our own tails if our Chief must go without his. We will not bear the shame of wearing an honour which is denied to the High Mouse."

"Ah!" roared Aslan, "you have conquered me. You have great hearts. Not for the sake of your dignity, Reepicheep, but for the love that is between you and your people,

[WARNING WARNING WARNING! SLIGHT MOVIE SPOILER!]

and still more for the kindness your people showed me long ago when you ate away the cords that bound me on the stone table (and it was then, though you have long forgotten it, that you began to be Talking Mice), you shall have your tail again."

Here is why I am so thrilled with the passage that I highlighted in bold. It reminds me of the passage in Song of Solomon, chapter 4 verse 9 that reads "You have captured my heart, my sister, my bride." In studying SOS from the perspective of the book being a letter from Jesus to His Bride, that verse shows His great affection for us, just the way we are. In the story, Aslan knows Reepicheep well enough to know that pride sometimes gets the best of him, and he is called on it. Aslan knows his weakness. However, in his weakness, he sees the purity of his heart, and the hearts of his friends in the love that they have for one another. He is captured by the purity of Reep's motives and it draws even more affection from the great lion. He did not condone his pride issue, and in fact, continues in his final comments to disapprove. However, he shows mercy and restores his tail. I am convinced that mercy drew Reep closer to Aslan and inspired him to become more like Aslan more than the punishment he may have deserved.

And so it is with us. When we know our Lord as someone who accepts us in our weakness, who loves us unconditionally and completely, we are inspired to follow Him to the ends of the earth. It is love, not legalism, that transforms our hearts and minds and leads us to Christlikeness. In our pursuit of Him, it is the loves He gives us that sustains us, compels us, and teaches us to love others. A love like that could change the world...

celebration

We had a joyful celebration tonight. My "little" cousin, Em, turned 18 years old today. I have posted about my family before, and have mentioned how large it is. However, most live too far away to keep in touch. My mom's sister is the closest in proximity, and has been the closest family we have had growing up. I think everyone has one aunt that they are especially fond of, and Aunt Beth would be mine. She has been such a big part of my and my brother's lives. Because of this relationship, Emily is the closest cousin I have, though she is a great deal younger than I.

Em has always been great. For some reason being an only child did not have an adverse effect on her. She has, in fact, always been exceptionally mature for her age. When I was in college, my friends and I went on monthly "Girl's Night Outs". At that point, Em was about 12 or 13, and she would come along with my college friends and I out to dinner, movies, shopping... I only hope we were a positive influence!! When she was a child she used to come to visit and we would get out the box of all my old Barbie dolls with all the clothes and furniture and play with them for hours. It's been neat watching her grow up.

The past year has been very special. She has grown into such a beautiful and talented young lady, and has begun her senior year in high school. She also starting attending the church where I have been volunteering in student ministry. I have had the opportunity to watch her grow in Jesus the past few months, and just two weeks ago, got to watch her get baptized. I can't tell you how overwhelmed I felt seeing her take this step. God has blessed her with so many gifts, and I can see the potential of what is to come. I am thrilled at the prospect of how God is going to work in her life.

Today she turned 18, and it was emotional for her parents and for me. Wasn't it just last week that we were playing Barbies on the floor of my bedroom? Today she has her own car, is making plans for senior pictures and for going to college. It blows me away to see how time has passed. But Jesus has been in it, and I am so grateful for the relationship He has given us.

Here is a picture, isn't she beautiful?

punkin' mania

Well, I couldn't let this week go by without mentioning the famous Annual Pumpkin Show in Circleville. It's funny how something so "trivial" can become such major part of your life. Last year I was in Colorado the entire month of October, and missed the Show completely. I remember very well being extremely disappointed, because I know it was the first year I had missed since I was in grade school. I had Autumn buy me a stromboli from the Church of God booth and some pumpkin fudge and freeze them for me. But let me rewind a bit.

The Pumpkin Show is the 6th largest festival in the US, and in it's 99th year. Every year it is held the third week of October, and I am telling you, the entire town shuts town. Five city blocks are blocked in the very center of town and filled with booths selling pumpkin food, pumpkin crafts, and actual pumpkins of all sizes. I think this year's winning pumpkin weighed in around 951 lbs. Pumpkin growing is an art form in Pickaway county. You can eat everything from pumpkin pie to pumpkin pizza, and Lindsey's Bakery window proudly displays the 5-6 foot pumpkin pie. Last year's pumpkin pie weighed over 350 pounds and stretched 5 feet in diameter and took more than 80 pounds of cooked pumpkin, 36 pounds of sugar, 13 gallons of milk, 12 dozen eggs, three pounds of cornstarch, one pound pumpkin spice, 1 pound of salt and 30 pounds of pie dough. It's insane, but there's more.

Everyone is affected, and everyone reacts differently. Many people save vacation time, though for different reasons. Some people take vacation to get out of town, and some take vacation to be downtown every possible minute. Several women I work with took yesterday off so that they could enter their young daughters in the Little Miss Pumpkin Show contest. I have friends who spent the week in Myrtle Beach...

City kids are out of school Weds-Fri, and every local school takes a teacher in-service day on Friday, and even college Fall Breaks fall on the same weekend. The town swells to accommodate about 400,000 people before it's all said and done, which is quite a feat for a town of around 13,000 people.

So why all the hoopla about a street festival? Well, there are several reason why I love it so much. First of all, pumpkin is my favorite flavor, next to chocolate. Any festival that wants to sell me all kinds of pumpkin flavored foods is alright in my book. Second, it's about the time of year; Fall is my favorite season and October is the height of color and semi-cool weather. I say semi-cool because in Ohio, one day of the Show can be 80 degrees, and the next could be 40. You never know! I remember wearing shorts one year, and heavy coats and gloves the next.

But third, and most important, is the social aspect. Pumpkin Show is a time for everyone to "come home". I run into high school and college buddies I never see otherwise, because people come out of the woodwork for the Show. I get to see who has children, and who is home from college, etc. It's a great time. I have experienced the Show from many different aspects, from working food booths to parking cars, from living and working downtown to driving in from my parents...It's all been great times. It's a major part of my life every year. I'm thankful for such a fun tradition that enriches my life.

Time for some pumpkin fudge!

workin 9 to 5

I got a new job this month. I must EMPHASIZE the word NEW. It's new because I just got it, but it's also new because it's something I have never done before. I am working as holiday factory help for a company called Pharmart. Basically it boils down to picking, packing, and personalizing retail gift items. And it's not really 9-5, because the past week and a half I have been working 8-5 and next week I am not sure what my hours will be. I heard a rumor that eventually my shift will be 10-6, but who knows?

I really believe that God provided this job for me. When I applied for the job I was going for a temporary office position. It was neat to see how God orchestrated it; from how I heard about the opening, the interview, and the timing of when I started working. I didn't get the position I applied for because it had been filled by the time I got interviewed, so they offered me the position in the factory. (The temporary they had recently hired had broken her hand couldn't do the work.)

It has been a tough transition. I am not accustomed to working 40+ hours, nor am I used to being on my feet all day. I only get 30 minutes for lunch, and I am used to taking as much time as I want. There are tons of new people, a new organism (the "company") to get adjusted to. But the people are nice, and I am catching on to the policies and procedures. I have learned that I am great with an engraving computer. SO guess what everyone is getting for Christmas??

I am thankful for the job, no matter how tough the transition. God has proven His sovereign faithfulness once again.

pics

Here's a picture of Benner square dancing, as promised!

swing your partner

Last weekend I held a square dance as a fund-raiser. Let me just say, while it was fun, it was also a LOT of work. I guess you could consider it successful, but of course, it didn't go exactly how I envisioned it. There were, however, two major highlights that evening. 1) My brother and his wife, Mindy, surprised me by driving in from Indiana. I was so stressed out for the 72 hours before hand, that I was a bundle of emotions boiling beneath the surface. When I saw their faces, the tears just exploded. I just couldn't help it! But it was all good and I was happy to see the them.

2) The second highlight was my friend, Benner, came and brought his girlfriend. He made some noise about not dancing, but ended up dancing anyway. His girlfriend left him high and dry and refused, so he danced with the Caller's wife (cowgirl hat and all!). Now, while some of you will automatically see the humor in this and fall over laughing, some of you might not quite get it. (Some of you are probably still trying to figure out what a "Caller" is!) Benner is the lead singer in a heavy metal band, long hair and all, and not the type of person you'd expect to see square dancing with a woman in her 60's wearing a cowgirl outfit. It was hysterical. And I loved every minute of it!

Speaking of the Caller, he was a riot in and of himself. He was a very "high tech redneck" with all of his music downloaded on a laptop and hooked up to the sound equipment. He even had what I call a "Madonna microphone", which is a headset mic that we see the rockstars wear on stage. He really gets into his hobby. And that's not all. Often during the evening we were treated to his singing, as he would just start singing along with the soundtrack in the middle of a song. He never "performed" a song, but enjoyed singing a verse here and there. It made me laugh. My 17 year old cousin, however, thought it was extremely annoying. Kids today. No sense of humor! She'd probably think a genius like Danny Kaye was annoying, too...

PS: I will have to post more pictures later. My ISP is too slow!

the wilderness

The past few months if my life have been tough.

If you would ask me about last year, I would be gushing with amazing stories of a “romantic stage” with Jesus. It was a time of unbelievable transformation—a wooing or courtship phase where God lavished His love and blessings. The reality of His unconditional love and passion for me washed over my heart like a mighty rushing river. The growth that I experienced was unprecedented and can be marked by the “cliff dives” of faith I made as He led me through some of the biggest decisions of my life. I found myself in a place of lovesickness that facilitated an abandonment and willingness within myself to free fall from any height into His arms.

But this year…this year has been a time of wandering through the wilderness place below the “cliffs of obedience”. Here I face loneliness; where I feel like no one on earth understands who I am or what I am going through in this stage of my life. I face the anxiety of balancing His will and my effort. And I face the struggle for patience as I wait for His direction on the next step I should take in this journey. Last year I was standing on the mountain top, looking at the bright future laid out before me, knowing that I was being prepared for that time. This year I stand at the base, wishing I could see if I am getting any closer. In my heart, the goal is still the same; day by day seeking His face as he shows me the way. But the tug-o-war is between despair and hope, and everyday is a battle. I find myself longing for the euphoria of discovery and revelation I felt last year.

How do we reconcile what we KNOW with what we FEEL? Sometimes it’s impossible. But I have found that He is faithful to give us what we need when we need it. This weekend is an example.

I have been in a conference this weekend specific to the calling God has placed on my life. In the midst of the statistics and facts, there have been gems of revelation. Or should I say recollection? As the speakers have been sharing the most effective ways to reach this specific people group, they have confirmed several things that God has taught me as I have been in preparation the past couple of years. Over and over they have pinpointed specific problems in the way the church does ministry, where we have fallen short, and what it is going to take to regain the ground we have forfeited. All the while these revelations are ringing in my ears, and suddenly the changes He has asked me to allow Him to make within my heart and life are making sense! There is a glimmer of understanding and the peace of knowing that He truly does know what it best, and can see the end from the beginning. And so this time of loneliness and struggle in the wilderness suddenly becomes a little more tolerable, not just because I can see the fruits of the work He has done, but because I can once again see the Light at the end of the tunnel. And I know beyond a shadow of doubt that it has been worth it all. Just one glimpse of His providence and I am hooked and anticipating what He holds in store.

30

A few months ago I turned 30. I guess it would be considered a milestone; like 16, 18, 21, 30, the big 40 and so on. Some of the people I love most in the world celebrated the occasion with me. I had wanted to have a cookout, but about 30 minutes before the guests were to arrive, we had the “storm of the century". So we had to move everything indoors, while dad grilled on the front porch. We still had plenty of food, folks, and fun…so it was a good time!

I wasn’t sure how turning 30 years old would affect me, if at all. I did, however, have a few moments of reflection, and that reflection threatened to shift into depression. As I analyzed where I am in life, I realized that it looked nothing like I had imagined it would look. I thought about the different dreams, goals, and expectations I had as a child, teenager, and in college, and I came to the conclusion that very little in my life looked like I had hoped. I had high hopes for my calling, dreams of marriage, children, and my own home . . .you know, all the things we view as successful, and what society equates to happiness. I find myself at 30 years old still waiting for these dreams to materialize, and it seems depressing and hopeless. I’ll be painfully honest and say that I felt some pretty strong feelings of despair, disappointment, and even self-pity.

I don’t, however, feel like a failure. That may have been the next logical step in my line of thinking. It’s hard for me to look at the life I have lived, the spiritual journey I have been on, and say it’s been a waste of time. Or that it’s not what I really wanted. All the material objects and achievements in the world could not begin to compare to the joy I have found in Jesus, the lessons I have learned from the trials of my life, or the LOVE that He has shown me. It is this joy that kept me from dwelling on what I DON’T have and focus on what I DO have in Jesus. This peace that I have found gives me the faith to believe that whatever my desires are, I will have them, if they are for my good. And whatever isn’t, will melt away as I pursue the Author and Finisher of my faith.

My life is not over. I am still too young for a “mid-life crisis”! And as His dreams and ambitions continue to become mine, I know that I will find true contentment.

crisis of faith

I have been reading the blogs and email updates of my friends, and today I came across an update from some friends who are ministering in the Dominican Republic. Drew and Dana Strait are working with children, both natives of the D.R. and Haiti. They reflected a little on the suffering they have seen, and it got me thinking about the suffering going on in the world: Tsunami victims, hurricane victims, starving children, and even our own tragedies and trials. The following is a direct quote from the Straits' email update:

"Dietrich Bonhoeffer shed thoughtful light on God's character and suffering when he said, 'That is why it is good to learn early that suffering and God are not contradictions, but rather a necessary unity. For me, the idea that it is really God who suffers has always been one of the most persuasive teachings of Christianity. I believe that God is closer to suffering than to happiness, and that finding God in this way brings peace and repose and a strong, courageous heart' (Meditations On the Cross).

I was talking to another friend recently about how she had been living in sin, but living very well by the world's standards. Relationship, possessions, career...and then it all began crashing down around her, and even to the point of beginning lose her health. It struck me not how unfair these things seemed, or even that God was punishing her for her lifestyle, but how much God must LOVE her to use such drastic measures to wake her up, to bring her back to His loving arms. We have all heard the argument that atheists pose for their lack of belief: "If there is a loving God, how can He allow such suffering?" But if you look at it from the faith side, from Bonhoeffer's side, it is God who is really suffering. He is the One who is all-seeing and all-knowing; watching the children He loves destroy themselves from the inside out, and constantly settle for less than the blessings and dreams He has for us. We are living "beneath our station" of royalty and children of the King of the Universe. It is suffering that brings dependence and intimacy.

The Word talks a lot about suffering:

"Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. 'Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how.'" Matthew 16:24

"I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it." Phil. 3:10

Aye, and there's the rub! In order to experience the power of resurrection we have to taste the bitterness of death. Death to self, death to idols, death to success the "World's way". And that's where WE THE WORLD have the problem. Some people look at the southern States and think, "What in the world have we done to deserve this? Why is God allowing such a thing?" I am in by no means saying that it is not a tragedy, because it is. People have died without salvation, and it is devastating. Children are orphaned and lost and starving and it's heartbreaking.

But if God is "closer to suffering than happiness", can we look through the eyes of FAITH and wonder, is this God's way of getting closer to us? Is this His way of drawing us into intimacy? Can we think this way and not be offended at the way God has moved? Will this make us walk away or give us "peace and repose and a courageous heart"? Can we forsake all that is 'SAFE' for what is truly GOD?

I pray for the kind of faith that trusts God's sovereignty, even in the face of suffering, no matter what the cost. And I pray for the kind of wisdom that reminds that this world is only a shadow in comparison to an eternity with Jesus.

the fam

Labor Day has come and gone. For most people I think it is just a fun 3 day weekend, but for me growing up, it was time for the FAMILY REUNION!! Every year my mom's side of the family meets at the old "homestead" in southern Ohio (that's O-HI-UH where my family is from!) for what we affectionately call a "Homecoming". Some spend the whole weekend camping close by, some come Sunday night and stay in a nearby hotel and meet around a camp fire and share testimonies. Most come on Monday, just in time for the huge spread of homemade food across the make-shift tables of saw horses and plywood. I usually choose the hotel route...

Let me try to paint you a little more vivid picture. My great grandparents lived on the farm where we meet, which is named "Busy Bee". (We have no idea why!) My great grandfather moved here from West Virginia, and he chose southern Ohio, I think, because it's not much different! Anyway, my great grandmother was his THIRD wife. His first two wives had passed away, the first wife giving him 6 children, the second dying of an illness before she could have any kids. His third wife, my great grandma, was around the same age as his oldest children when he married her. She had TWELVE children, one of which was my grandma Joy, whom I am named after. With a base of 18 kids, can you imagine the amount of first cousins my mom has?? And the amount of people who might be at our family reunion?

The above picture was taken last year at the reunion. It is a picture of my Great Aunt Hope, one of the "original twelve", as we call them. She is on the back of one of her nephew's motorcycles. Aunt Hope is in her 80's, and in the past few years, unfortunately, has started growing senile. This is a cute picture to most, but to those of us who know her, it's a miracle. It's highly unlikely that if she were altogether herself that she would have ever taken a ride on the back of that motorcycle!! It's bittersweet because on one hand it is good to see she is having fun, but on the other, she had to wait until she was in her 80's and losing her memory to lose some of her inhibitions to do so. There are only 4 of the original twelve left now. My grandmother died in 1978. I was only three and don't even remember her. But she and her siblings left quite a legacy of service for Jesus, and I meet people all the time who knew them and were impacted by them. While I know they weren't perfect, it's neat to see the lives that Jesus touched through them. Gives me hope that He will be able to use me.

I didn't get to go to Busy Bee this year and see my family. With the astronomical gas prices and my own mother's health, it just wasn't practical. I talked to one of my first cousins and she said numbers were down in general. That's too bad. I hope that my generation will be able and willing to keep the tradition going. Someday I'd like to be the octogenarian great aunt riding on the back of a Harley...

goodbyes

One of things I have mentioned learning about is how to say healthy goodbyes. You might be thinking "how can a goodbye could be healthy or un-healthy in normal life?", but in my line of work, it makes a difference. I am not saying goodbye 'until tomorrow', I am learning to say goodbye with the possibility of it being for good. So what does a healthy goodbye entail? What makes it healthy? I am by no means on expert on this because I still struggle with the whole business! My emotions are on such a rollercoaster sometimes that one of two things happen: either they spill out in tears or roll over the people I love in frustrated anger. You would think I could get a grip, but the last couple of years have been rather tough to process. Very few people truly understand what I am going through, and the ones who REALLY understand are spread out all over the world doing the Lord's work. So in saying goodbye someone, it's difficult to say what I really want to say.

For example, my girl, Autumn, just left for college. You'd think by the wave of emotions rolling though me that she was my younger sister, or my own daughter or something. Truth is we have become so close in the past year that it really IS like that. Her family is as much a part of my life as my own. And her brother, Jonathan, left for college the week before...above is a picture of them over the summer. There have been a lot of goodbyes in the past few weeks as friends and students I have worked with are moving away to school. I had to write Jonathan and Autumn letters because I really couldn't get my feelings past the lump in my throat. But that is an example of the first step to a healthy goodbye--actually finding a way to SAY IT. I know some would rather just skip it. But that only leads to regret. I want the people I love to know how they impacted my life. And not just when I am saying goodbye; all throughout the relationship. So even if I have to write letters to every person I know to get my true feelings out, I am willing to do that.

A healthy goodbye paves the road for a healthy re-aquaintance in the future. When you walk away from someone's life for a long period of time, everything changes. Time doesn't stand still in order for you to pick up where you left off. So the place where you left off should be a positive one so new common ground is easier to plow. Lord, give me the strength to reign in my emotions so I can show people how I truly feel about them; not just when I say goodbye, but every day I have left with them.

me? a mentor??

Aren't these the most beautiful little girls you have ever seen? (From the left to right, we have Liz, Rachel, and Autumn.) Ok, so they're not so little; two of them start college this fall, and one is engaged to be married. These girls are from the student ministry I have been working with for the past 3 or 4 years. More specifically, they have been my small group, or "cell" group, and eventually the four of us formed an accountability group. Needless to say, I am really close to these girls. I have been a part of their lives since they were in junior high!

It's an amazing responsibility to be placed in a mentoring position. I must say that I learned as much from them as they might have learned from me. The time I have spent with them over the years has been a BLAST. These are the silliest and most hilarious girls of all time. There have been tough times--times I wish I could protect them from the storms of life, or from making poor choices. I had to learn, however, that they belonged to God, not me. I can only hope that the example I lived before them had a positive impact and that Jesus was reflected. I often wonder why He uses me for ministry such as this, and then I remember the "resumes" of the disciples and the apostles, and everyone else He has used throughout history. Then I don't feel quite so bad. It's not that I am able, but that I am willing to be used by God. It has become another confirmation that "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called". It's another step in the journey, preparing me for the future.

Because these beautiful ladies are moving on and moving out, our relationship will never be the same. It makes me sad. But I thank God for the bond that has been created, for it's the type of bond that will stand the test of time.

welcome to another world

Recently I had the opportunity to visit the U.K. for some training. They really had to twist my arm to get me to go, but I finally relented. Yea right! I was stoked! I spent 8 days in southern England, and in a word, it was BRILLIANT! The climate, the people, the fresh fish for dinner. . . a friend of mine, Swanger, asked if I would consider living there? In a heart beat, my friends! I don't feel bad at all for praying that God will send me to the U.K. someday. I just wish I had a chance to see more of the country, but they had us pretty busy in training.

I included this picture because it's one of my favorites. It's the view out the window of my Bed & Breakfast. I was so excited to get all of my film developed--all six rolls! :) It has yet to cease to amaze me how God is blessing me on this journey. To be able to meet His people all over the country, and now THE WORLD, is a blessing I truly underestimated. We had the opportunity to look at so many different cultures and it is beautiful how everyone is so different. It shows the majesty of God and His creativity to see such huge differences and yet still have the common thread of Christ's love to hold us together. I also chose this picture because it signifies how my worldview is changing . . . with every person I meet and every place I go, my eyes are being opened to how grand the plan of God truly is. He also shows me the great span of His Hand -- it has to be huge for all of us to fit in the palm of it! :)


Into British stuff? Try this link, smash hits, and listen to the online radio station. It's brilliant!

Look out for those PROJECTILES!

If I had to narrow down all the training I have had in the past couple of years, it would be with two words SELF-AWARENESS. I have learned about my personality and how I relate to other people, leadership, and my God. I have learned about how my past may affect my future, how I might react in a crisis situation, how to travel alone, and how say goodbye in a healthy way that won't leave loose ends. I have been scrutinized by others, which can be very uncomfortable! I have listened to what other people think of me and tried to take things constructively. I have cried, and laughed, and cried some more. But in all of this I feel that God is preparing me for the Calling He has placed on my life. In one of my training settings I was presented with the De-motivators website where I found the poster shown to the right. It sums up perfectly what I have been trying to accomplish in the past couple years of becoming more "self-aware". When armed with a better understanding of who I am in Christ, there will be fewer surprises (or PROJECTILES!) that can threaten to bring a raging storm on my life and ministry. It is said that the number one reason why people leave my ministry is an inability to get along with their teammates, and not too far down on the list are personal problems that only intensify as the huge changes and transitions come along. The changes are unavoidable, but the awareness is up to us! It's not easy sometimes, but God has been right there in the middle of it; showing me where I need to allow Him to tweak things, and encouraging me in the places where I have been successful. Sometimes I have had to throw up my hands and say "Just start all over, Lord!" But He is faithful. And I trust Him for my preparation, regardless of how painful it might be!

i CHOOSE joy--or did joy CHOOSE me?

Webster describes 'joy' as "a very glad feeling; happiness; delight". The Christian hymn speaks of "joy unspeakable and full of glory". According to paid advertisements, "JOY" can be found in a sink full of dirty dishes. But how do we as followers of Christ define joy?

I have found in my short 30 years that definitions differ from person to person, and often become relative to circumstances. But the joy we search for, even crave, cannot be found in circumstances, and certainly not in a sink of dirty dishes! As our journeys in Christ continue on we are often taught that Christ's joy should be unshakable, even foundational, and has little to do with whether we are "happy or delighted". His joy comes from knowing the end of the story. It's like the southern gospel tune, "I read the back of the book, and WE WIN!" We find in strength in knowing Who is in control of the storms around us, and can therefore say we have found true joy.

But what about when that storm hits? How about that unexpected detour in our journey that leads us to a place we never imagined? When we are standing alone, soaked to the bone in life's reality, can we still say there is joy? Can we peer through the darkness and thank God we're facing this trial or even tragedy?

Looking back, I can mark my life by the storms that have raged. I'd like to say that I have learned a lesson or some deep spiritual truth from every one of them. But, while the Lord has certainly provided revelations over time that have shaped my life, there are still questions in the back of my mind. But a decision was made long ago -- a crisis of faith -- and it has kept me from completely cracking under the pressure. I have chosen joy -- I trust that all things work together for good because I love the Lord Jesus Christ and I know He sees the end from the beginning. But Joy has also chosen me -- it is by his grace that joy is cultivated within me. I have chosen the seed, but He supplies the growth by His grace.

And so I have chosen to create this blog in order to share my journey; the experiences, the blessings, the miracles, the lessons and the TRIALS that come on this path that God has chosen for me. It is my prayer that I will honor Him and that He will use my life to touch others.