11-11-11 theCall (A Poem)

The Holy Spirit is in this place today! I haven't written poetry in over a decade, but here it is, just pouring out of me this morning...

Today is the day: 11-11-11,

Now is the time that we cry out to Heaven.

We fast and we pray for Your mercy and grace,

We bow to our knees and we seek Your face.

Father above let Your Spirit fall,

Cover this region, cover us all.

We stand in the gap and declare there is no Other,

We repent of our sin of pursuing lesser lovers.

With humble hearts full of anticipation,

We cry out for revival to come to our Nation.

You are the God Who will make all the wrong things right.

You are the God Who dispels the darkness with Light.

Jesus, You are the King, come and make Your Name famous!

Let all of Detroit worship the Lord of the Ages!

We long for Your Presence,

We yearn for Your touch.

Transform us in this hour; You're more than enough.

As we worship You, Lord, Will You inhabit our praises?

As we kneel at Your Throne, Let Your beauty amaze us.

Today is the day: 11-11-11.

Now is the time that we cry out to heaven.

Shawna Pierce

November 11, 2011

The Seven Longings of the Human Heart

The Seven Longings of the Human Heart

Book Study on the book by Mike Bickle

March 2011

Summary:

1. The Longing to be Enjoyed by God.

We were created to be enjoyed in a personal way by our Creator.  When we believe this truth we are set free from accusation, rejection, and shame.  He doesn’t just love us, He likes us!  This revelation keeps us  running to Him and not from Him when we mess up.

2. The Longing for Fascination.

God invented the idea of pleasure.  He created us with the desire to be amazed in order to drive us to the Amazing One. Spiritual pleasure resonates at a deeper level than any other pleasure.  He wants us to experience “divine entertainment” and overcome spiritual boredom by plumbing the depths of God.

3. The Longing for Beauty.

We reflect God’s beauty, and we are moved by beauty.  We long to possess beauty, to be striking and engaging.  “We are meant to feel beautiful before God and there is something powerful about those who genuinely do.”  The Holy Spirit wants to show us what God looks like and then show us what we look like to God.   He is the Bridegroom and we are the Bride.  His beauty is transferable to humans though Jesus.

4. The Longing for Greatness.

There is something within the heart of man that yearns to be crowned with greatness.  God satisfies our longing to be great by granting us, His Bride, a position of authority surpassing even the highest ranking angels.  We will rule and reign with Him.  Our nobility is in the Kingdom of Heaven, not of this world.

5. The Longing for Intimacy Without Shame.  

God created us with a profound desire to fully know and to be known without shame.  Loneliness severely breaks and bruises us, and it is not God’s plan for us.  The Father has permitted Jesus to pour His glory out on us now in part, and in fullness in the age to come.  There is a difference between solitude and loneliness.  Worldly counterfeit intimacy is what brings shame.

6. The Longing to be Wholehearted.

You shall love the Lord your God with all of your heart is not just a command, it is a prophetic statement.  The time is coming when followers of God will follow Him with wholehearted love, not mindless ritual.  The supernatural work of the Holy Spirit empowers us to walk out full obedience.  We were created for Holy Romance; people who are in love give up a lot less frequently than those who are not in love.  It reduces burnout and reduces temptation.

7. The Longing to make a deep and lasting Impact.

We long to share things with others that change them or bring them joy and goodness.  This is not innately self-serving or a sign of weakness or vanity; it’s an expression of being created in the likeness of God.  We are very important, but only have lasting significance as we walk in obedience to God’s will for our lives.

My Perspective:

The Longing for beauty and for intimacy without shame resonate with me the most.  I have spent a lot of time and effort trying to mask my loneliness and insecurities; trying not to be that cliché single woman in her thirties, desperate for a husband.  It has not been easy living alone and being in a community of friends who are all married.  Somewhere along the line I started to believe I not worthy of love and marriage, and that being single was somehow more holy or virtuous.  I’m not sure how one can hold both opinions at the same time, but I did.  My married friends were envious of me and the freedom I had and I was envious of them with their built in best friend and house full of people.  I wouldn’t even let myself pray for a husband because I was 1) afraid that He would say no, and 2) I was afraid it was a selfish request.  If He knows the true desire of my heart, why should I have to ask Him? I’ve come to the conclusion that I am pretty messed up in this department.  I had done the Song of Songs study and had come to the deepest revelation of God’s love and affection for me than I had ever known, but still felt like longing to be pursued and for a husband and family was wrong.   Hope deferred had truly made my heart sick. (Proverbs 13:12)

The first thing that I was faced with when I arrived and started the internship was loneliness.  I was confronted with the spirit of rejection 3 times in the first week as people prayed and spoke prophetically over me.  I was actually angry and questioning God as I was facing the reality and asked the Lord, “Really? Is this what I came all the way out here for?”  I felt like there were much more important things to focus on.  But finally the 3^rd person helped me pray through and come out of agreement with this spirit of rejection.  At that point I realized that I had developed a huge “back off” sign on my forehead.  I was rejecting people; warning them away from me by my demeanor before they would have a chance to reject me.  I found it really hard to trust new people and certain types of guys and even women.  I was holding on to the hurt and rejection from past encounters and I needed to let go of them and be healed. 

The 2^nd step was confronting my thoughts on desiring a husband and family.  God encountered me through a very wise and Godly couple and showed me that I needed to be praying specifically for my future partner.  Through this encounter I realized that I had believed something about myself and about God that was not true.  He had never called me to be single, but I had projected that fear on Him due to my insecurities about being beautiful and lovable, and due to misguided words of others about being called to singleness.  He began to restore my hope in marriage and I have begun to pray for the one He will send to me. 

The 3^rd step was restoring a right perspective about the goodness of marriage and partnership and raising a family, which He started through a couple of Craig Cook’s sessions.  Further encounter and confirmation came through the “True Feminine” session of Pure Heart.  I have gone through quite a lot emotionally the past couple of weeks trying to get rid of the garbage and believe the truth about how God views me.  I need healing and to come out of agreement with what the world calls beautiful and see myself and others as He sees us.

God has called me to be a Forerunner.  Hi is placing a message inside of me that is busting at the seams to get out of me. I cannot afford a “back off” sign on my spiritual forehead or a fear of rejection that will keep me from speaking truth.  I cannot afford to judge others; appearances the way I have judged my own.  I need God’s perspective  on myself, to truly love myself and see myself as He sees me so that it’s possible to see and love others the same way  So the answer to my own question is “Yes, really.  This is what you came here for.”

I am learning that the longings in my heart are not sinful or selfish; they are part of God’s design to draw us to Him.  While we will never be fully satisfied until we see Him face to face, we can be satisfied in part here on earth if we seek His face and allow the Holy Spirit to transform our desires into the holy desires of God’s will for us.  He created the concept of unity in marriage and raising families.  It is a prophetic picture of our salvation relationship with Jesus.  He has awakened a desire in me for adoption through this whole experience as well.  Especially for crisis pregnancy situations; providing a home for babies saved from planned abortions.  Coming into agreement with how He loves me frees up my heart to receive love from others and to move more freely in the calling He has placed on my life.  It makes me more approachable and makes me more willing to approach others.  A heart free of the clutches of fear of rejection is a heart that can be used for the glory of God and the Harvest of souls.

Fast Forward: February 2013

Since moving to Michigan and pursuing the dreams of God’s heart for my life, I have seen a huge difference in my everyday life.  The healing that I received during my time at IHOP-KC from the Lord has been a gift and has led to an ongoing transformation of my soul.  There is a new found confidence that allows me to look people in the eye, to have the courage to give a ready answer for the hope that lies within me, and to testify to the goodness of His healing Hand.  The Lord has been opening doors for me to be light and to bloom where He has planted me. Situations that I would have shied away from, conversations that I would never have imagined, answers and wisdom that I could never have come to on my own, have become the norm in my life.  I have been able to embrace the fact that I am introverted but not be shy, and not to use it as a reason to isolate myself from the unknown.  I have come to trust the Spirit that lives within me to give me the words to say (and NOT to say) in any and all given situations.  He is faithful and true.  He is Healer.  And He uses weak and broke people to declare these truths.

exceedingly abundantly above and beyond...

The Martin's had an album years ago call "Dream Big".  It's a fun song.  If you're gonna dream, dream big!  God is so much bigger than that for which we give Him credit.  The verse says that He will do exceedingly abundantly above all we can ask or think.  I think about the goals and dreams I have had in my life and while some of them have been "silly", He is showing me more and more that He knows my heart.  He knows my dreams and he knows my longings and the more I fall in love with Him and His word, the more I see my dreams and longings fulfilled.  It is true that I was created to love Him and be loved by Him.  I was uniquely designed to worship Him in a way that no one else can.  As I pursue Him, the longings He placed inside of me are met in Him. At the same time, the things that He has created me to do...the specific gifts and talents that He has given me, are being drawn out in ways that I never imagined.

For example...While stuck in my 9-5 customer service job a couple of years ago, I was asked the question "If you could do anything, what would it be?"  My answer was to teach at the college level and to write. I have always wanted to write.  I have always wanted to teach.  I realized in college that elementary ed was not it, so I switched majors to Christian Ed.  I enjoyed junior high and high school more so I was a Youth Pastor for awhile.  When I spent time raising funds to go to the mission field I realized that my favorite part was educating people about the serious need for missionaries in the 10-40 window.  I was passionate about it and discovered a voice for speaking before a crowd that I didn't realize that I had.  I was beginning to understand that God given passion was the key.  When He places something on my heart I cannot keep silent.  He has placed His finger on my heart on many subjects; missions, keeping the first commandment in first place, the Song of Songs from the perspective of Jesus as  the Bridegroom, the House of Prayer movement,  inner healing, and Eschatology.

So traditionally speaking I was thinking college professor, maybe comparative religion.  I wanted to write something inspirational, but had no idea where to start.  When I left Kansas City and the IHOP-KC internship to move to Michigan, I wasn't sure what I was going to do.  All I knew for sure was that it would be through the context of the House of Prayer movement.  I was already partnering with Oasis House of Prayer in Canton once a month, but I wasn't sure if that would be permanent or if God had other plans.  I was bursting at the seams with everything He had downloaded into me during the internship.  I was looking for an outlet.

I found myself back in a 9-5 customer service job within 30 days.  It wasn't what I had in mind when I finally moved to Michigan, but it was a financial gift from God.  Within 6 months, the Director of Oasis and the leadership team had announced a God-given vision for ministry that would be expanding the current Oasis House of Prayer to include a church plant and a school of ministry.  Soon after the birth of Desert Voice Ministries, I was asked to consider joining the servant leadership team and to help build the school of ministry.  I found myself on the Education Team helping to write and develop curriculum, and preparing to help facilitate and teach the very topics that the Lord had been imprinting on my heart.  I can't believe I am part of something so amazing!  At this is just the tip of the iceberg.  Tonight I led my first worship set with my own team in the House of Prayer.  I have been prayer leading and working on building the Hospitality aspect of the the ministry...my expectations, my attempts at making my own dreams come true, have all been blown out of the water.  God's dreams for my life; His fulfillment of every righteous longing, are exceedingly abundantly above and beyond all I could ever imagine.  As I pursue His heart, He pursues mine.  And my heart is full.  Full of joy, full of contentment, full of peace...full of confidence in who I am and Who I belong to.  So many times the works of the Lord in our lives look nothing like we expected them to look.  I say praise the Lord for that!

foresight

There is a deserted gas station outside North Baltimore, OH on route 75 that I pass every time I make the trip from Michigan to Ohio and back.  For some reason it really stands out to me.  It's a tiny nondescript building completely overgrown by nature, but what really caught my eye was the pricing sign.  Unlike the elaborate digital signs at modern gas stations, this sign is a single pole with rectangle at the top.  The price would have been in lights, but the sign is only built for .00 pricing.  There is no space for anything above .99/gallon!

While I love the thought of (and vaguely remember) gas being under a 1.00/gallon, the lack of foresight stirs up my soul. If the sign is an indication of the business planning it's no wonder the tiny station has been closed and deserted for so long that it's barely recognizable.  But the building has never been torn down.  It's still there, isolated on the opposite side of the freeway from all of the big time gas stations and fast food restaurants.  It sort of reminds me of the Disney movie Cars where all of the businesses on the old Route 66 are suffering and rundown.

Men perish for lack of vision.  This sign sparked in me the reality of how unprepared we are as a people for the end of the age.  Jesus said that He was coming back, but I believe that His people have forgotten what that means.  And honestly, I believe most of His people have either given up on seeing His second coming, or they just expect it to happen at any moment with no warning.  Jesus warns us to not be caught sleeping, so that the second coming is like a thief in the night.  But I don't believe that for those with their eyes and hearts open that His return will be anything like a thief in the night.  I have come to understand that there was a 3rd party in the parable of the 5 Wise and 5 Foolish virgins...the one outside who announced that the Bridegroom was coming!

The end of the age became a reality for me at two different moments in my life.  One moment scared me, and the other transformed me.  When I was about 14 years old I watched a 70's movie about the Rapture called "A Thief in the Night".  The movie portrayed people disappearing right and left and being caught up to be with Jesus while the rest of the world is left to face the Tribulation and all of it's horrors.  I went to the altar that night, even though I knew I was a Christian, and got "more right" with God. I was crying and scared and wanted to be ready.  That summer I definitely matured in my faith and consecrated my future to His plan.  But that view of the End Times did not transform my heart.  The fear subsided and I began to live again like it was never going to happen in my time.

When I went to IHOP-KC, however, I was faced again with the reality of the coming of Jesus to rule and reign.  For the first time in my life I began studying the Word and Revelation and it was actually making sense.  As I studied, my eschatological stance began to form.  I finally began to understand what all the terminology meant and was able to start clarifying what I believed.  My entire life I had been taught that we could not know when He was coming and that it didn't matter as long as I was "ready" to go when the Rapture occurred. I would then be caught up with Jesus, safe from the Anti-Christ and Tribulation...suffice it to say I don't believe that anymore.  Once I learned that Revelation could actually be interpreted literally and understood by the common believer, it changed my entire paradigm.  The Lord began to open my mind to His word, and began to show me signs in the Spirit about what is already happening and what is to come.  For the first time in my life I believe that I will see the return of Jesus, though I may be very old, and know in my heart that I have to be made ready and help make others ready to meet Him face to face.  He has placed the cry of the ultimate forerunner, John the Baptist, in my heart and a desire for all to know and understand what is to come.  Through His Word and by His Spirit, we will be able to discern the signs of the times, and eventually, we will be able to know when He will return (Rev 11:7-19).  Holy Spirit has lit a fire in my heart to teach Revelation and Eschatology, so that is exactly what I am preparing to do.

The enemy has kept us blind for too long.  Hope deferred has made our heart sick as a people, hoping and praying for the Lord to return for generations to the point that we now don't even look to the sky.  Lulling us to sleep is the first step in the Anti-Christ's plan for domination.  And unfortunately the belief that we will be "caught up" before all of the really bad stuff happens is only adding to the delusion.  We are a people called to intimacy with Jesus, for intimacy will sustain us in the Tribulation to come.  If we study and press in to the Father's heart, we will be able to discern the changing of the seasons and will be able to see through the lies of the Anti-Christ.  In that position we will be able to partner with Christ as the great and terrible day approaches, and for all eternity.  A lack of understanding and preparation will cause offense in the hearts of even believers and they will fall away or suffer loss.  I finally have some spiritual foresight and can understand the importance of being informed and ready to meet the challenges that are ahead.  It is my desire the help others to reach the same confidence before the Lord.

true femininity

One of the requirements for my internship at IHOP-KC was to attend an 8 week inner healing course based on the book "Pure Heart". Interns were not so affectionately referring to the course as "Puree My Heart" because of the intensity of the subjects it covered. The book, written by Tom and Donna Cole, covers many situations that can occur in our imperfect human lives that can cause damage to our hearts. These wounds can keep is from seeing God as He truly is, and from seeing ourselves as He truly see us. Each chapter is connected to one of the Beatitudes from the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew Chapter 5. The chapters cover wounds caused by parents, un-forgiveness, the importance of confession, true femininity and masculinity, and ultimately, the "True Self", which is our identity in Jesus.


The journey was monumental for me and the Lord really did a deep work in my heart in several areas. One of the hardest weeks for me was True Femininity. By hard, I mean that it was tough to be completely vulnerable and honest with how I was feeling, and the process was emotional. The healing, however, that God performed in my heart and mind was so amazing. I have not been the same since. I am a firm believer in this book and the process that the Coles have laid out because they facilitate allowing the Holy Spirit to come and do the deep work that transforms lives. There is so much power in operating the freedom of healing and in knowing your true identity in the Lord. Part of that healing process has been in continuing to work with Pure Heart programs. While in Kansas City, I co-led a small group for the new interns that arrived after we finished track one. And now, in Michigan, I have had the opportunity to co-lead another small group through the same program in my new church. God even stepped it up a notch and gave me the opportunity to share a devotional/testimony on True Femininity night. This is an extended version of that testimony:

Women are an equal but different expression of the image of God. Even as a woman, it has taken me quite some time to begin to understand that. The Hebrew word used for woman in the Creation story is "ezer kenegdo" (Genesis 2:18) which means powerful equal, not just a helper. We were not an afterthought in God's plan, but part of a two-fold expression of the heart of God. The first account of Creation in Genesis 1:27 says "So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created He him, male and female created He them." We can see the sacredness of the the salvation covenant between God and mankind reflected in the marriage partnership He designed for a man and a woman. We are to become "one flesh" with our mates and we are to become as "one" in our relationship with God. This act of coming together in total agreement is the same picture we see portrayed in the image of the marriage of the Bridegroom Jesus and His Bride, the Church. It takes time and hard work to come into agreement with another person and with God. Let me just say here, too, that maybe that's why it's taking Jesus so long to return? But isn't funny how after couples have been together for decades they actually begin to "look like" one another? We become what we behold (I Cor. 3:18).

The Beatitude for this chapter is "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." (Matt. 5:7) In women we find a natural tendency towards mercy, though men are to show mercy as well. Women reflect the beautiful and relational side of the Father. We we created to be nurturing and compassionate. We were created with the longing to be captivated and pursued by another. We long to know that we are the only woman in the world that our man loves, and ultimately that God loves us and pursues us unconditionally. We long to connect with others on a deep level and showing mercy is a natural response to being in a trusting and wholehearted relationship. These things are the reflection of the Father's own heart and desires. He is jealous for us and will not suffer other lovers. He longs to be in relationship with us and desires to be pursued wholeheartedly. His plan for men and women is for them to serve together as equal partners in right relationship with Him and to be a reflection of His many attributes. We were all made to love Him and be loved by Him.

When Satan approached Eve and she gave into temptation, more happened than just the first sin - the results were not just being kicked out of Eden and women acquiring pain in childbirth. The Scripture leads us to believe that Adam was standing right there while Eve was being tempted, and he did not speak up or make a stand when she ate of the fruit and shared it with him. Eve directly disobeyed God's command that had been handed down to her through Adam, and Adam did not step up into his role of spiritual head of the relationship and try to correct or protect Eve. We can see the results of this betrayal in our relationships today. The Fall did not change our roles; the Fall resulted in men backing down and women taking things into their own hands. I love the quote from this website from the Jewish commentator Rashi: "If he [Adam] is worthy, [she will be] a help [ezer]. If he is not worthy [she will be] against him [kenegdo] for strife." In our brokenness, not only do we try to do things that we were not created to do, but we also try to fill legitimate needs in illegitimate ways. The Word says that the woman would desire to rule her husband but he would continue to be expected to be the spiritual head of the relationship. (Gen. 3:16) This struggle has lasted throughout history. An insecurity in the heart of women started with Eve and carries on in women's hearts today.

One thing that the Lord has been teaching me in the past year or so is that Satan doesn't just randomly attack us. He is not a prankster. He has a strategy and he has the advantage of not only knowing God since the Beginning, but also knowing humans and their tendencies. He hated Eve because she reflected the beauty of God and for the fact that she was given the ability to produce life. It is said that Lucifer was the most beautiful angel in heaven, and that his downfall was a desire to be worshipped. A human created to reflect the beauty of God would be like a slap in the face. He has been trying to destroy our beauty since that first day that he confronted Eve. Tom Cole points out in this chapter that the hatred of women in the world is illogical and compares it to the hatred of Jews. All throughout history we have been enslaved, abused, murdered, objectified, and at the very least, considered inferior in status or in intelligence. This is not just by happenstance; Satan has deliberately influenced our society to view woman in these ways. One example of how his schemes are designed can be seen the area of pursuit and commitment. The enemy knows that women desire to be pursued and shown faithfulness and loyalty and that these things allow her to trust and fully open up to a man. So we see men who pursue women, but it's often a game (subconsciously or otherwise) and they are seemingly incapable of commitment or fidelity. It is a lie that men cannot help but cheat. But because the lie is so prevalent we adopt it as truth instead of agreeing with the Creator about His Creation. He created men to be faithful and protect the heart of women. This scheme is two-fold in nature, because not only does this mistrust of men affect our ability to be in healthy relationships, it also skews our view of God, and can affect our ability to accept the truth of His heart for us. The insecurity and lack of trust can manifest in many different ways. Some women remain passive and live the life of a victim of whatever abuse they have endured. They are convinced that either they do not deserve better or that they would be worse off alone. Other women take a protective and defensive stance. They become the "maneaters" who are bitter and hateful; emasculating the men around them with their words and they become fiercely independent. They are determined to convince everyone (including themselves) that they don't need men and can do anything that men can do. And sometimes women completely deny their femininity. These women reject their beauty because of they way they have been abused or objectified and feel they can not trust men at all. Sometimes women will choose homosexuality over heterosexual relationships because they desire relationship but cannot trust men with their hearts. All of these emotions can carry over into our view of God and can wreak havoc on our ability to trust His love for us.

The feminist movement had some positive outcome but is also a source of deception. Pursuing equality outside of God's definition and standard has led to legalized abortion, gender confusion and the breakdown of the nuclear family. There is a constant struggle within us as we long for the things that have hurt us because of the fallen state of humanity. We try to live without them but we were meant for them. The enemy wants us to remain in this state of disconnect. The last thing he wants is for us to operate as we were created to operate, individually or as a team. He does not want us to relate to each other as God intended, and he does not want us to raise functional families that are pleasing to the Lord. There is strength and power and beauty in how we were intended to work together and compliment one another. The reflection of the Creator is incomplete without our partnership. The enemy is actively and intentionally destroying the hearts of men and women by whispering lies into their ears. And I, like so many others, have been buying into them.

I had gathered much insecurity unto myself over the years due to rejection and deception. I believed the lies about what the world called beautiful. When the hurtful jabs came at me at different times in my life, I came to believe that I was not beautiful. I compartmentalized inner and outer beauty and resigned myself to having to settle for the "inner beauty" as if that somehow made me incomplete. As I began dealing with the issues raised in this book, I began to realize that though I had some revelation of God's love and acceptance of me, I had no faith in those around me and felt the need to protect myself. I had placed the perceived importance of being married or in a relationship as the measuring stick for my own worth. I walked away from a relationship not long after I graduated from college because I knew that the Lord was not in it. I told the Lord that I never wanted to be distracted from Him in that way again. I didn't want to play the dating game; I wanted Him to bring the right man into my life. But as the years went by, I started to lose hope and hold a grudge against the Lord because I assumed He was calling me to be single. Ultimately I believed that I was not worthy of love or pursuit. I lost hope because my hope and identity were in the wrong place. As the Lord very gently began to reveal to me the true state of my heart, He showed me three things.

• First, He showed me that internally I was holding others to the same superficial worldly definition of beauty that had caused me so much pain. This was an excruciating revelation.



• Second, He showed me that I was holding my singleness against Him. I was assuming that because I wasn't married yet that He was calling me to be single and that was not the desire of my heart. The reality was that He wasn't calling me to be single. He was actually honoring my request to not be distracted in my relationship with Him and asking me to wait on Him. He was not saying "no", he was saying "not yet".



• And third, He showed me that I was protecting myself from rejection by inwardly judging or rejecting others first. Basically I had become somewhat unapproachable because I had this huge back off sign on my forehead in the spiritual realm. I was using what was initially a noble request (to not lose focus on the Lord) as a shield to protect myself from rejection. I was allowing myself to be intimidated by certain types of men and women that reminded me of people who had hurt me in the past. My self-hatred was being projected in my countenance and was affecting how I related to others.

The Lord brought me to these painful revelations because He wants me to change my definition of beauty. He wants me to accept the Truth that how HE see me is truly the only measure of my worth. He loves me way too much to allow me to continue in the mindset that I am unlovable. Through this process He has delivered me from a spirit of rejection; a tool that the enemy was using to hold me back and keep me from walking in the confidence of my true identity in Christ. I am finally beginning to understand what true beauty looks like. He has brought healing to those wounds from the past and has given me new confidence as the King's daughter as described in Psalm 45:9-17. I am one whose beauty is desired by the King and it brings honor Him. One of the transformations I saw in myself during that time may seem small, but I share it as a part of my testimony because it is pretty significant to me. I used to struggle with being photographed. I was very critical and particular about pictures being posted on Facebook and n albums because I just didn't like what I saw. I noticed after several weeks that when viewing photos of myself that I felt very differently about what I was seeing. There was a difference in the countenance of my face and the depth of my smile because of the healing I was experiencing. But the most amazing difference was that I didn't hate what I saw in those pictures anymore. My heart has actually started to come into agreement with the fact that I am beautiful in the sight of the Lord. What He says about me is the only thing that truly matters.

So women of God, I urge you to embrace the Word of the Lord about your femininity.

"Behold you are all fair, my love! Behold you are fair!" Song of Songs 1:15

"You have ravished His heart with one look of your eyes!" Song of Songs 4:9

"The King greatly desires your beauty!" Psalm 45:11

I believe that we need to pray actively and intentionally for revelation and stand in our authority as Believers to take back our identity. We need to pray for the Truth to overcome the deception and the Light to overcome the darkness. Women were created to reflect the beauty of the Lord in all of His mercy, compassion and loving kindness. We were created in God's image, and He makes everything glorious. Rise, Daughters of Zion; be confident in the One who love you without condition and let your beauty shine forth! This is a part of our worship and testimony before the Throne.

re-entry

"I'm just happy to hear that I am not crazy!"

I had the privilege to lead our very last small group meeting of the internship. It was providential because the day before, God had given me a message to share and the timing was perfect. After I had written my last post, a friend had sent me an email and totally identified what I was really feeling: Panic. Through the leading of the Holy Spirit, she reminded me that this 6 month experience was like a cross cultural trip, and should be treated as such as far as re-entry into my home and relationships. I have been forever changed by the experience that the Lord has brought me through at IHOP-KC. And at the same time, all of my family and friends have also moved on with their lives, going through their owns changes and journeys. These two things colliding can sometimes cause a bit of a reverse culture shock. Not only am I concerned about integrating the knowledge and changes into my life back home, but I was concerned about translating back into the lives of those whom I love.

My friend sent me several articles, reminding of my previous cross cultural training. It was exactly what I needed to hear, and the revelation burned on my heart. I needed to share this with my fellow interns. We hadn't covered the concept in our closing sessions. It was true that a lot of interns were staying in KC to join staff, but many were not. And even though many were joining staff, at some point they would be going home to raise a team of supporters. The very next morning, I was given the opportunity to take charge of the last small group meeting.

I put together a short exhortation of the main points of the articles. I wanted to bring awareness and offer tips on how to navigate through the emotions that would rise. When I finished and prayed for my team, one of the girls exclaimed "I am just happy to know I am not crazy!" She had left mid-internship to spend a weekend with her family at her brother's graduation. She did not understand the unsettled feelings she was experiencing and the trouble she was having relating to people. Because I shared the truth that had been revealed to me, someone else was also touched and given language for the emotions she was experiencing. Not everyone will have the same type of struggle, but being aware of the possibility is half the battle! Given this information we can pray more specifically and have the tools to combat the attack of the enemy. Spiritual warfare will definitely be in our future. We will have to resist the enemy who will try to steal the seeds that have been planted. If we understand that the emotions we will face are normal, it will be easier to stand strong and rely on the Lord to walk us through it. We do not want to compromise what we have learned for the sake of getting along with everyone. We want to integrate the truth into our lives and trust that the Lord will help us to maintain relationship in the process. After the positive response I got from the team that night, I put together an email with links to the articles and sent them to as many of my fellow interns as possible. My core leaders also said that they would be using the information in pastoring future interns in their closing connection meetings. Thank you God!

Not only did God send the right message at the right time, but in His abundant grace He went a step further. A group of friends have formed a "re-entry team" on my behalf. They have scanned the concepts of re-entry and committed to praying for me during the transition (which could take 6-12 months), as well as being there for me when I need to talk or cry or vent or tell stories that only I think are funny. By having a team of people around me who are aware of the season I am in, the transition will be even smoother. Even in my new found awareness, I can't possibly know the range of emotions or obstacles I might face. But the Lord of Hosts know all things and He is making a way for me. He is the Good Shepherd and I lack nothing. He is not only interested in bringing wisdom and revelation into my life, He is interested in protecting the seeds that He has planted so that they can be nurtured and brought to fruition.

diligence

"If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us; like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." - CS Lewis

The entries in my journal for the past three weeks have had a common theme: a deep desire to remain diligent. Living here at IHOP the past 6 months has been like a true oasis and a breath of fresh air. It has been water for my thirsty soul. The discipline of the program and the Holy Spirit have given me the boundaries necessary to stay on track. I now find that I am afraid of being left to my own devices, so to speak, and the barrage of distractions that await me. I feel exhausted really for the first time since I got here and have felt myself wanting to pull away from many things. I have had a tough time certain days staying engaged in the program and sticking to my commitment to the fasted lifestyle. I don't want to go back to the way that I was; settling for lesser things, wasting my time on frivolous pursuits. Even in this place I don't feel like I have my personal life structured or disciplined enough.

The truth is that I have come a long way. Sanctification is a life long process. My own twisted sense of perfectionism wants the work to be complete. I no longer want to struggle with all of the issues that have been brought to the surface and revealed to me through His kindness and gentle mercy. But what has really happened in the past 6 months is that while I have been set free of so many things, ultimately the point is awareness. The Father has made me aware of the snares of the enemy and given me the grace to stand against him in my authority as a believer. Temptations never cease, they just get more subtle. The Father has given me confidence in my identity in Him and in the calling He has placed on my heart. It is with these tools that I will be able to continue to stand and walk in obedience. It is by continuing to behold Him as in a mirror with unveiled face that I will become more and more like Him. He will complete the work He has begun in me. So in my voluntary weakness, though I get frustrated and doubtful, and see the lack that still exists in my soul, I will say "Jesus, I trust your leadership." I will rest in His promise that His strength will be made perfect in my weakness. And I will pray:

"God help me. I want to be intentional about how I spend my time. I want to stay in the Word. I want to give myself to prayer. I want to stay connected intimately to Your heart. I do not want to be dull with the things of this world. I want to be fascinated by You. I have tasted and I have seen and I cannot go back to the way things were. I want to be a bright and shining lamp, one who is on fire for You. I want to glorify Your Name and make Your Name known every where I go. I want to serve You, and serve Your children whom You love. I want to do things that matter and that last unto the Day of Your appearing. I want to walk in the fullness of Your plan for my life. I want to operate in the fullness of my identity in You. Strengthen my weak heart. Anoint my weak words. Bless my weak attempts. I cannot accomplish one of these things without You. I choose to walk in weakness before you so that Your strength can be made perfect in me and that You will be glorified. Lead me. All power and authority has been given unto You, Jesus. Amen."

Although this is the final week of Intro to IHOP and the program is almost complete, I am still a work in progress. This is only the beginning of the next chapter in my journey. It is my hope that with each turn of the page of my story the Lord will be glorified more and more.

"I want to be well pleasing to You on the Day that I stand before You. I want to be well pleasing to You, so I make it my aim in all I do."

the miracle of the missing mini-notebook...

I love being able to share this testimony to the power of God.

A couple of weeks ago on a Friday morning, I consciously made the decision to leave my mini-notebook computer in my room. Normally I take it everywhere I go. But on this day, I knew that the schedule was intense and I would not even have a moment to open it. So I left it lying on my bed, where I had been using it to listen to the prayer room while getting ready for class.

When I returned home around 10:30 pm, I began clearing things off of my bed so I could go to sleep. I realized that the computer was not sitting there and began looking for it. It was no where to be found, though the cord and the slipcover were still sitting there. I went downstairs, walked through the house looking around, and then asked Amy if she had seen it. It was not downstairs either. I went back to my room and looked again. It was definitely gone.

For the previous couple weeks Amy and Stan had been having the house painted; mostly outside, but the deal also included the inside foyer. That day Amy had paid them and they had packed everything up, even though they were supposed to return on Saturday for some touch up work. We quickly realized that one of the painters must have taken it, and since there was only 1 in the house that day, we knew which one.

Amy stopped payment on her check and Stan started calling and texting the two men who had been working on the house. To protect the "not-so-innocent", we will name our painters Bert and Ernie. Bert was hired for the job, and he asked his brother-in-law, Ernie, to help him out.

On that fateful Friday, Bert had been painting the foyer and hallway in front of the bedrooms. Amy gave Bert the check, and he and Ernie cleaned up all of the equipment and left. They deposited Amy's check into Ernie's bank, and Ernie went ahead and gave Bert his half, even though the check hadn't actually cleared. Ernie was the only one who returned Stan's messages, and it was quickly obvious that he knew nothing about it. He was upset that the check would not go through, especially since he had basically just paid Bert out of his own pocket. Stan told him that unless the computer was returned he would not issue a new check. So Ernie started working on my behalf to secure the computer, even though Bert hadn't even admitted taking it yet. I started praying and left it in the Lord's hands.

Monday was my day off, so I took the time to speak to a police officer and make a report of the theft. He agreed that we should continue to pursue Ernie since he was trying to be helpful and he would call him as well to encourage him to talk to Bert on my behalf. Ernie finally got a confession out of Bert when he told him that the laptop was only worth maybe $350 brand new, maybe $100 if he pawned it. He said "It' only worth $350??" and Ernie had his proof. Ernie offered to go and pick up the computer and bring it to me, because Bert had also confessed to having open warrants out for his arrest already. By 6:00 Monday evening, 3 days after the theft, Ernie was back on our doorstep with the computer in hand.

But wait! There's more!!

When I opened the computer to make sure that it was ok, there was a strange password screen on it. My password didn't work. I didn't panic because Stan is an IT Guru, and I figured he could fix it for me. So I handed Ernie the new check and thanked him for his help. A few minutes later Stan came to take a look at it, and he said that a "bios password" (I'm not sure of spelling, nor definition!) had been intentionally placed on the hard drive to keep me out of it. We had to get that information from Bert to get it open. Stan contacted Ernie and said that if he didn't get the password that he was going to cancel the second check.

When Ernie called Bert, Bert denied ever even opening the computer. There was no way, however, that it happened any other way. This is where the other half of the miracle comes into play. Ernie asked someone in their relational sphere and they happened to know that Bert used a particular password on several online accounts. Ernie let us know what it was, and it was exactly the right password! Seriously, this all happened in about 20 minutes time after I got the computer back. Basically, Bert had put the password on the computer to be hateful. Bert probably would have never given it up! It was by the Sovereign hand of God that we got the right password on the first try. I opened the computer and everything else was intact.

In my thank you note to Ernie, I let him know that I was a missionary in town for training and that the computer had been a gift to aid me in ministry. I looked up the definition of his name, and in Hebrew it means Faithful and Bold, so I shared that with him and that I believed God used him to bring justice to my circumstance. I let him know how much it meant to me that he had the courage and boldness to retrieve the computer, to look me in the eye and to apologize for something he hadn't even done. I had the opportunity speak life and encouragement into this man that I didn't even know. Stan also agreed to not pro-rate the check and allow Ernie to finish the job. Ernie was shown a measure of mercy from Stan, myself, and the police officer that is supernatural and can only happen through the grace of God.

I give God the glory for orchestrating this entire event. He heard my cry for Him to make the wrong things right, and He gave me the opportunity to testify to the goodness of His Name in the process.

where is the time going?

It's the middle of May. That means I have like 5 weeks left in Track 2. Where has the time gone?

Track 2 has been a whirlwind. The schedule has been even more intense than Track 1, but it feels completely different. Somehow I feel busier and more relaxed at the same time. It was rough to deal with the changes in our core teams and leadership, but we continue to be a family.

The past 10 days we have been honored to have a Bible Teacher from England with us. His name is David Pawson and has written more than 30 books, including a commentary called "Unlocking the Bible". I highly recommend checking him out in the archives. He is quite possibly one of the best and most clear Bible teachers I have ever heard. He did 26 messages while he was here, including 14 talks on the Uniqueness of Jesus Christ and the Glory of HisStory, as well as several messages of the End Times. Leadership completely rearranged our schedule so we would have the opportunity to attend as many of the seminars as possible and it was amazing. It helps that he is an adorable old British gentlemen that is so fun to listen to!

We have been serving in the Prophecy and Healing Rooms on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It has been an incredible blessing. I was scared to death initially and have realized in the past several weeks that God as done a mighty work in my heart and mind. I am so honored to be able to pour the encouragement, edification, and exhortation of God's heart into people's lives (I Cor. 14:3). I have been so touched as I have seen the light come on in their eyes as they realize that the Creator of the Universe has something precious to say about them. I am also serving on Tuesday nights as an assistant leader in the Pure Heart (inner healing) ministry on Tuesday nights with the current Track 1 group. The program had so much impact on me and I love now being able to see others find freedom. I have graduated from a yellow vest to a blue vest in the weekend services, which means we take turns now as the ministry team instead of ushering. We are also taking turns serving at Hope City, the inner city prayer room, as ministry teams and serving food. It is all such a privilege.

During all this time I have been going before the Lord and asking Him to clarify my next steps as I am preparing to move to Michigan. He has been so gracious to hear my questions and my desires. I had one of the best birthdays I have ever had, starting the morning with a birthday gift of revelation from God on some of the questions on my heart. He continues to speak to me through teaching, "random" conversations, homework assignments, and prayers. I am looking forward to what the Lord has in store for me and will live each day in expectancy.

a day in the life of an intern...

When I signed up for this internship I only had a skeleton of an outline, a whisper of what we were actually going to be doing here. I just knew that God was drawing; me to this place that He was giving me the desire to shed as much of "the world" as possible. I was hungering for simplicity and a deep encounter. I didn't feel like I could truly hear the Lord through the fog of my job, my activities, my busyness... I felt the need to shed it all and didn't have the discipline to do it. When people would ask me what I would be doing, it as hard to describe anything since I didn't truly know. I knew that there would be time in the prayer room and time in class. I used words like "sabbatical" and "fasted lifestyle" but I didn't really have language for what I was stepping into. I felt very strongly that it would be a place of preparation for the next step, which is missions.

So here was my schedule in Track 1:

Sunday

10:30-1:30 - Work with 4-5 year-olds in the Children's Equipping Center

2:00-6:00 - Prayer Room

Monday

Sabbath - off except for staff meetings the 4th Monday of each month

Tuesday

8:45-9:30 - Worship/ministry time as a group

9:45-11:45 - Core Teaching (Subjects like "Tools for the Prayer Room", The Gifts of the Holy Spirit, Forgiveness, Adoption, Sermon of the Mount Lifestyle, Fasting, etc.)

1:00-5:00 - Prayer Room

6:30-9:30 - Pure Heart (Inner healing and restoration through the Holy Spirit)

Wednesday

8:45-9:30 - Worship

9:45-11:45 - Core Teaching

1:00-5:00 - Prayer Room (Team 4 ushers 3-5)

6:00-8:30 - Life Group (small group meetings)

Thursday

8:45-9:30 - Worship

9:45-11:45 - Core Teaching

1:00-4:00 - Prayer Room

4:00-5:30 - Team 4 Briefing

9:00-10:00 - Prayer for Detroit at the Prayer Room (optional)

Friday

8:45-9:30 - Worship

9:45-11:45 - Revelation teaching

1:00-4:00 - Justice Prayer Room (training on Apostolic Prayers and prayer leading on the mic)

6:00-10:00 - Encountering God Service (Worship, Ministry, Preaching)

Saturday

Noon-5:00 - Prayer Room

6:00-10:00 - Forerunner Christian Fellowship Church Service(Team 4 ushering every 3rd week)

Some will look at this schedule and laugh out loud at the sheer lunacy. Some will look at it and love the idea of that much time in the before the Lord. I admit, looking at the schedule in the beginning I did not know how I was going to do it all. All I knew is that I needed to jump in with both feet and fully give myself over to everything He had for me. I am so glad that I did. I wake up in the morning with worship songs on my lips and in my heart. Instead of 4 hours of TV a day I might see 4 hours in a week. I have given up secular music and secular radio. I seriously the other day forgot the name of an artist I used to love when I heard his song at the bowling alley. It took me 24 hours to remember his name. I have found so much freedom and have made so much more room for Jesus in my life. And it is God who wooed me and then gave me the grace to do it. The fog has lifted and I can hear His voice, see His Spirit move so much more clearly than before. He has also opened my eyes to the schemes of the Enemy. It has never been a matter of what is permissible for me, but what is beneficial. What am I willing to let go of to be able to walk in deeper communion with my Beloved? What voices need to be silenced in my life so I can be free to think on the things that move His heart? When I turned away from the things that I used to entertain and amuse myself I realized that the pleasures of God are far superior to what I was settling for on a daily basis. I also realized that I was being influenced negatively in my thoughts and beliefs because the voices of the world that I was listening to were severely contrary to the Truth. And there lies the entire point. It is the will of the enemy to cloud our minds with so much garbage that we live in a state of fog and delusion, unable to walk in the power of the Holy Spirit that is intended for those who bear His Image. We keep justifying and reasoning in our search for freedom from legalism and religious bondage and work ourselves right into another prison. The other ditch, as Pastor Steve would call it. I am learning that there is so much that I have been missing, and so much that He wants to say to me. In this state of voluntary weakness and fasting the things that are permissible but not beneficial, I am being qualified and brought into my true identity and purpose in Christ. I honestly do not recognize myself in the mirror any longer. And it's to God I give the glory, for setting me on the path, giving me the grace to do it, and then rewarding me with His presence.

And now, in Track 2, I will be able to see how He is going to move me in these things that I have been learning. I have been hidden in the cleft of the rock while He passes His glory by me. It is a privilege that I do not take lightly.