I had a fun experience this morning. I had the opportunity to be a part of a monumental moment in an old friend's life. It was a testimony to the redemptive grace of Jesus.
I have a friend from college who I used to travel and sing with all the time. We were in worship teams, college trios and quartets, and then eventually sang professionally in a trio for awhile. College opened up a whole new musical world for us; the world of Southern Gospel music. My parents were never into it much, and my friend, Scott, was trained in classical music and piano. But going to small southern Ohio Bible college meant learning the southern Ohio musical language. I have to admit that while I have never been a huge fan of Southern Gospel, I really enjoyed singing it. We were by no means "country" in style, but did have a lot of fun and met a lot of great people, including other professional gospel groups. We even spent a weekend at the National Quartet Convention one year.
Anyway, I digress...
My friend, Scott, and I have had some rough times in our lives since then. Both of us at times have really strayed from God's purpose for our lives. Our friendship suffered quite a bit as well. Recently, however, the Lord put him back in my path, and we discovered that we have both been on a pretty amazing journey, as God has led us back around to what we were created to be: completely His. It has been great catching up on old times and new chapters, and reliving the hysterical moments we have shared over the years. Scott emailed me about a week ago and told me to call him, and to be sitting down when I did, because he had something to tell me. When I called, he informed me that he had auditioned for a gospel quartet and had been asked to join them on the road! It was so overwhelming to see how God was blessing! Even after all the years he thought he had wasted, God was restoring his dreams and leading Him back into the ministry he loved. I could totally relate to that!
So this morning, I was able to go to a concert in a church local to my parents and hear Scott sing with his new buddies, The Suwannee River Boys. The five of them had fun on the platform and enjoyed each other like they had known one another for years. It was surreal almost to see my friend, someone I had been separated from for several years, standing on the platform with a group of professionals, living a dream he has had in his heart since I had known him. It was so moving.
So, now you're wondering, what in the world does her TITLE mean? How does that relate at all with what she is sharing? Well, I'll tell you. It's 2-fold. First, it's a sound byte from David Crowder's new album; an old spiritual or southern gospel song he samples at the beginning of the first song. (It's also the title of his new book!) It sounds funny, but it's pretty profound. It is the profound that truly relates to what I am sharing.
Scott and I spent a lot of time in our lives pursuing our own dreams in our own power, doing things our own way. We pursued ministry, so it all sounded like a great plan. But in our feeble hands, it crumbled. We want the bright lights and the big time ("heaven") but we weren't willing to "die" to ourselves and do it God's way. Everybody wants God's blessing, His best for our lives. But we fail to see that if we are to truly achieve what is BEST we have to give up our idea of what that BEST is. And it's not that the desires of our heart are always wrong, or that God ignores what we want in order to have His way. He gives us our desires and dreams. But we can only see a part of the picture, a tiny spec of the grand scheme of things. His dreams for us are actually so much bigger than we could ever imagine. The key is placing Him BEFORE the dream on the priority list. It's only then that we can fulfill His purpose and truly succeed. Our dreams are safer in God's hands than in our own. Sounds like a simple concept, but it's so tough to learn!
I had to praise God when I watched Scott get on that big customized bus this afternoon and head out to the next service on the schedule for tonight. It was good for my soul to see another miracle orchestrated in the life of one of His children.
Thank you, Abba.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Saturday, September 02, 2006
stress
It's so long since I have written, yet I am having a problem getting started. It seems like the stress of my job has sucked all the creative energy right out of me on most days. It's hard, really, to put into words just how stressful my job really is, and I don't want it to sound like I am complaining. It's strange because, though it is overwhelming, I do enjoy what I am doing, where I am, and whom I am doing it with. I like my boss and my co-workers, I like the company, and most of the customers I work with on a daily basis are great. I am grateful for my job, and truly feel God led me to it. But I wasn't really prepared for how consuming it was going to become.
It was a tough routine to learn, and even at almost 6 months, I definitely don't feel I have mastered it. It took 2 months of training before I was even set free to answer the phones, and still, at least once everyday, I am faced with something totally new. I have had to learn new computer programs, phone scripts, chemical names, codes and containers. I talk with dozens of our company buyers, sales representatives, and warehouse workers a day. Every order I take on the phone is a project in which I must make sure the chemical is correct, on time, priced appropriately, approved by the right people...some chemicals are Drug Enforcement Agency regulated and bound to procedures and paperwork. But at the crux of all the flurry of details and logistics is that if it's done improperly, I could (or we could) put a company out of production for a day, week, whatever and cost them a bundle. This is not good for us or them. So to sum it all up, I am in frenzied/adrenaline rush/edge of my seat mode for an entire 9 hours everyday. Even my breaks and lunch hour are consumed with thoughts of what needs to be done and who needs to be contacted and what deadlines have to met.
Being in this state of mind everyday, five days a week has really taken its toll on me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. The past couple of weeks have been tough for me because I have felt overwhelmed and on the edge, like I couldn't possibley take anymore. I know I serve a God who protects and preserves, and He knows my limits. But the way I have been feeling lately has been scary. My natural reaction to stress is sleep, and I have been going to bed at night by 9:00, often earlier, and taking naps on the weekends. I just took a four hour nap today after a full nights sleep last night! It's amazing what affect the state of the mind can have on the physical body. And it's amazing how being exhausted physcially can keep me from doing the one thing I know can help feel better: spend time with Jesus.
This whole time I have been struggling I have been asking people to pray for me, yet I have not been praying for myself. I haven't been reading about Him, I haven't been singing to Him. I am too tired to go to small group; too depressed to reach out to the community of believers He has given me. It's like the worse it gets the more I withdraw and I don't understand it. I feel like no one will understand what I am going through, so I don't give anyone a chance. I feel like I should be strong enought to handle it on my own, so I don't want to mention it. And I know that this is not what God intended. This is not what Community is all about. It's deception that the enemy has been whipering in my ear, and in my weakened state I have given into it.
A friend of mine shared some Psalms with me today in an email and one of them inparticular struck me. I've read it before, but as Scripture often does, it spoke directly to my current situation.
Psalm 91:1-2
"He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in Him will I trust."
And God says to me in vs 14-15
"Because he hath set his love upon Me, therefore will I deliver him, I will set him on high; because he hath known my name. He shall call upon Me and I will answer him. I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honour him."
I see something very clearly here. First of all, my responsibility is to take refuge in Him; trust Him and love Him. His responsibility looks different. He is going to protect me, raise me up above the circumstances, HE WILL DELIVER ME. My responsibility is of the heart; to seek intimacy. His responsibilty is one of action; to provide deliverance.
And yet I tell myself I need to "handle" my own issues. I need to be strong; don't complain or grieve or show weakness or disappointment.
Actually, I need to run immediately and cower in the shadow of His wing. I need to wave the white flag and retreat. In doing so, I am doing the bravest thing imaginable.
Relinquishing control.
It was a tough routine to learn, and even at almost 6 months, I definitely don't feel I have mastered it. It took 2 months of training before I was even set free to answer the phones, and still, at least once everyday, I am faced with something totally new. I have had to learn new computer programs, phone scripts, chemical names, codes and containers. I talk with dozens of our company buyers, sales representatives, and warehouse workers a day. Every order I take on the phone is a project in which I must make sure the chemical is correct, on time, priced appropriately, approved by the right people...some chemicals are Drug Enforcement Agency regulated and bound to procedures and paperwork. But at the crux of all the flurry of details and logistics is that if it's done improperly, I could (or we could) put a company out of production for a day, week, whatever and cost them a bundle. This is not good for us or them. So to sum it all up, I am in frenzied/adrenaline rush/edge of my seat mode for an entire 9 hours everyday. Even my breaks and lunch hour are consumed with thoughts of what needs to be done and who needs to be contacted and what deadlines have to met.
Being in this state of mind everyday, five days a week has really taken its toll on me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. The past couple of weeks have been tough for me because I have felt overwhelmed and on the edge, like I couldn't possibley take anymore. I know I serve a God who protects and preserves, and He knows my limits. But the way I have been feeling lately has been scary. My natural reaction to stress is sleep, and I have been going to bed at night by 9:00, often earlier, and taking naps on the weekends. I just took a four hour nap today after a full nights sleep last night! It's amazing what affect the state of the mind can have on the physical body. And it's amazing how being exhausted physcially can keep me from doing the one thing I know can help feel better: spend time with Jesus.
This whole time I have been struggling I have been asking people to pray for me, yet I have not been praying for myself. I haven't been reading about Him, I haven't been singing to Him. I am too tired to go to small group; too depressed to reach out to the community of believers He has given me. It's like the worse it gets the more I withdraw and I don't understand it. I feel like no one will understand what I am going through, so I don't give anyone a chance. I feel like I should be strong enought to handle it on my own, so I don't want to mention it. And I know that this is not what God intended. This is not what Community is all about. It's deception that the enemy has been whipering in my ear, and in my weakened state I have given into it.
A friend of mine shared some Psalms with me today in an email and one of them inparticular struck me. I've read it before, but as Scripture often does, it spoke directly to my current situation.
Psalm 91:1-2
"He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in Him will I trust."
And God says to me in vs 14-15
"Because he hath set his love upon Me, therefore will I deliver him, I will set him on high; because he hath known my name. He shall call upon Me and I will answer him. I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honour him."
I see something very clearly here. First of all, my responsibility is to take refuge in Him; trust Him and love Him. His responsibility looks different. He is going to protect me, raise me up above the circumstances, HE WILL DELIVER ME. My responsibility is of the heart; to seek intimacy. His responsibilty is one of action; to provide deliverance.
And yet I tell myself I need to "handle" my own issues. I need to be strong; don't complain or grieve or show weakness or disappointment.
Actually, I need to run immediately and cower in the shadow of His wing. I need to wave the white flag and retreat. In doing so, I am doing the bravest thing imaginable.
Relinquishing control.
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