The past few months if my life have been tough.
If you would ask me about last year, I would be gushing with amazing stories of a “romantic stage” with Jesus. It was a time of unbelievable transformation—a wooing or courtship phase where God lavished His love and blessings. The reality of His unconditional love and passion for me washed over my heart like a mighty rushing river. The growth that I experienced was unprecedented and can be marked by the “cliff dives” of faith I made as He led me through some of the biggest decisions of my life. I found myself in a place of lovesickness that facilitated an abandonment and willingness within myself to free fall from any height into His arms.
But this year…this year has been a time of wandering through the wilderness place below the “cliffs of obedience”. Here I face loneliness; where I feel like no one on earth understands who I am or what I am going through in this stage of my life. I face the anxiety of balancing His will and my effort. And I face the struggle for patience as I wait for His direction on the next step I should take in this journey. Last year I was standing on the mountain top, looking at the bright future laid out before me, knowing that I was being prepared for that time. This year I stand at the base, wishing I could see if I am getting any closer. In my heart, the goal is still the same; day by day seeking His face as he shows me the way. But the tug-o-war is between despair and hope, and everyday is a battle. I find myself longing for the euphoria of discovery and revelation I felt last year.
How do we reconcile what we KNOW with what we FEEL? Sometimes it’s impossible. But I have found that He is faithful to give us what we need when we need it. This weekend is an example.
I have been in a conference this weekend specific to the calling God has placed on my life. In the midst of the statistics and facts, there have been gems of revelation. Or should I say recollection? As the speakers have been sharing the most effective ways to reach this specific people group, they have confirmed several things that God has taught me as I have been in preparation the past couple of years. Over and over they have pinpointed specific problems in the way the church does ministry, where we have fallen short, and what it is going to take to regain the ground we have forfeited. All the while these revelations are ringing in my ears, and suddenly the changes He has asked me to allow Him to make within my heart and life are making sense! There is a glimmer of understanding and the peace of knowing that He truly does know what it best, and can see the end from the beginning. And so this time of loneliness and struggle in the wilderness suddenly becomes a little more tolerable, not just because I can see the fruits of the work He has done, but because I can once again see the Light at the end of the tunnel. And I know beyond a shadow of doubt that it has been worth it all. Just one glimpse of His providence and I am hooked and anticipating what He holds in store.
A few months ago I turned 30. I guess it would be considered a milestone; like 16, 18, 21, 30, the big 40 and so on. Some of the people I love most in the world celebrated the occasion with me. I had wanted to have a cookout, but about 30 minutes before the guests were to arrive, we had the “storm of the century". So we had to move everything indoors, while dad grilled on the front porch. We still had plenty of food, folks, and fun…so it was a good time!
I wasn’t sure how turning 30 years old would affect me, if at all. I did, however, have a few moments of reflection, and that reflection threatened to shift into depression. As I analyzed where I am in life, I realized that it looked nothing like I had imagined it would look. I thought about the different dreams, goals, and expectations I had as a child, teenager, and in college, and I came to the conclusion that very little in my life looked like I had hoped. I had high hopes for my calling, dreams of marriage, children, and my own home . . .you know, all the things we view as successful, and what society equates to happiness. I find myself at 30 years old still waiting for these dreams to materialize, and it seems depressing and hopeless. I’ll be painfully honest and say that I felt some pretty strong feelings of despair, disappointment, and even self-pity.
I don’t, however, feel like a failure. That may have been the next logical step in my line of thinking. It’s hard for me to look at the life I have lived, the spiritual journey I have been on, and say it’s been a waste of time. Or that it’s not what I really wanted. All the material objects and achievements in the world could not begin to compare to the joy I have found in Jesus, the lessons I have learned from the trials of my life, or the LOVE that He has shown me. It is this joy that kept me from dwelling on what I DON’T have and focus on what I DO have in Jesus. This peace that I have found gives me the faith to believe that whatever my desires are, I will have them, if they are for my good. And whatever isn’t, will melt away as I pursue the Author and Finisher of my faith.
My life is not over. I am still too young for a “mid-life crisis”! And as His dreams and ambitions continue to become mine, I know that I will find true contentment.
I have been reading the blogs and email updates of my friends, and today I came across an update from some friends who are ministering in the Dominican Republic. Drew and Dana Strait are working with children, both natives of the D.R. and Haiti. They reflected a little on the suffering they have seen, and it got me thinking about the suffering going on in the world: Tsunami victims, hurricane victims, starving children, and even our own tragedies and trials. The following is a direct quote from the Straits' email update:"Dietrich Bonhoeffer shed thoughtful light on God's character and suffering when he said, 'That is why it is good to learn early that suffering and God are not contradictions, but rather a necessary unity. For me, the idea that it is really God who suffers has always been one of the most persuasive teachings of Christianity. I believe that God is closer to suffering than to happiness, and that finding God in this way brings peace and repose and a strong, courageous heart' (Meditations On the Cross).I was talking to another friend recently about how she had been living in sin, but living very well by the world's standards. Relationship, possessions, career...and then it all began crashing down around her, and even to the point of beginning lose her health. It struck me not how unfair these things seemed, or even that God was punishing her for her lifestyle, but how much God must LOVE her to use such drastic measures to wake her up, to bring her back to His loving arms. We have all heard the argument that atheists pose for their lack of belief: "If there is a loving God, how can He allow such suffering?" But if you look at it from the faith side, from Bonhoeffer's side, it is God who is really suffering. He is the One who is all-seeing and all-knowing; watching the children He loves destroy themselves from the inside out, and constantly settle for less than the blessings and dreams He has for us. We are living "beneath our station" of royalty and children of the King of the Universe. It is suffering that brings dependence and intimacy. The Word talks a lot about suffering:"Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. 'Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how.'" Matthew 16:24"I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it." Phil. 3:10Aye, and there's the rub! In order to experience the power of resurrection we have to taste the bitterness of death. Death to self, death to idols, death to success the "World's way". And that's where 
WE THE WORLD have the problem. Some people look at the southern States and think, "What in the world have we done to deserve this? Why is God allowing such a thing?" I am in by no means saying that it is not a tragedy, because it is. People have died without salvation, and it is devastating. Children are orphaned and lost and starving and it's heartbreaking. But if God is "closer to suffering than happiness", can we look through the eyes of FAITH and wonder, is this God's way of getting closer to us? Is this His way of drawing us into intimacy? Can we think this way and not be offended at the way God has moved? Will this make us walk away or give us "peace and repose and a courageous heart"? Can we forsake all that is 'SAFE' for what is truly GOD?I pray for the kind of faith that trusts God's sovereignty, even in the face of suffering, no matter what the cost. And I pray for the kind of wisdom that reminds that this world is only a shadow in comparison to an eternity with Jesus.
Labor Day has come and gone. For most people I think it is just a fun 3 day weekend, but for me growing up, it was time for the FAMILY REUNION!! Every year my mom's side of the family meets at the old "homestead" in southern Ohio (that's O-HI-UH where my family is from!) for what we affectionately call a "Homecoming". Some spend the whole weekend camping close by, some come Sunday night and stay in a nearby hotel and meet around a camp fire and share testimonies. Most come on Monday, just in time for the huge spread of homemade food across the make-shift tables of saw horses and plywood. I usually choose the hotel route...
Let me try to paint you a little more vivid picture. My great grandparents lived on the farm where we meet, which is named "Busy Bee". (We have no idea why!) My great grandfather moved here from West Virginia, and he chose southern Ohio, I think, because it's not much different! Anyway, my great grandmother was his THIRD wife. His first two wives had passed away, the first wife giving him 6 children, the second dying of an illness before she could have any kids. His third wife, my great grandma, was around the same age as his oldest children when he married her. She had TWELVE children, one of which was my grandma Joy, whom I am named after. With a base of 18 kids, can you imagine the amount of first cousins my mom has?? And the amount of people who might be at our family reunion?
The above picture was taken last year at the reunion. It is a picture of my Great Aunt Hope, one of the "original twelve", as we call them. She is on the back of one of her nephew's motorcycles. Aunt Hope is in her 80's, and in the past few years, unfortunately, has started growing senile. This is a cute picture to most, but to those of us who know her, it's a miracle. It's highly unlikely that if she were altogether herself that she would have ever taken a ride on the back of that motorcycle!! It's bittersweet because on one hand it is good to see she is having fun, but on the other, she had to wait until she was in her 80's and losing her memory to lose some of her inhibitions to do so. There are only 4 of the original twelve left now. My grandmother died in 1978. I was only three and don't even remember her. But she and her siblings left quite a legacy of service for Jesus, and I meet people all the time who knew them and were impacted by them. While I know they weren't perfect, it's neat to see the lives that Jesus touched through them. Gives me hope that He will be able to use me.
I didn't get to go to Busy Bee this year and see my family. With the astronomical gas prices and my own mother's health, it just wasn't practical. I talked to one of my first cousins and she said numbers were down in general. That's too bad. I hope that my generation will be able and willing to keep the tradition going. Someday I'd like to be the octogenarian great aunt riding on the back of a Harley...
One of things I have mentioned learning about is how to say healthy goodbyes. You might be thinking "how can a goodbye could be healthy or un-healthy in normal life?", but in my line of work, it makes a difference. I am not saying goodbye 'until tomorrow', I am learning to say goodbye with the possibility of it being for good. So what does a healthy goodbye entail? What makes it healthy? I am by no means on expert on this because I still struggle with the whole business! My emotions are on such a rollercoaster sometimes that one of two things happen: either they spill out in tears or roll over the people I love in frustrated anger. You would think I could get a grip, but the last couple of years have been rather tough to process. Very few people truly understand what I am going through, and the ones who REALLY understand are spread out all over the world doing the Lord's work. So in saying goodbye someone, it's difficult to say what I really want to say.
For example, my girl, Autumn, just left for college. You'd think by the wave of emotions rolling though me that she was my younger sister, or my own daughter or something. Truth is we have become so close in the past year that it really IS like that. Her family is as much a part of my life as my own. And her brother, Jonathan, left for college the week before...above is a picture of them over the summer. There have been a lot of goodbyes in the past few weeks as friends and students I have worked with are moving away to school. I had to write Jonathan and Autumn letters because I really couldn't get my feelings past the lump in my throat. But that is an example of the first step to a healthy goodbye--actually finding a way to SAY IT. I know some would rather just skip it. But that only leads to regret. I want the people I love to know how they impacted my life. And not just when I am saying goodbye; all throughout the relationship. So even if I have to write letters to every person I know to get my true feelings out, I am willing to do that.
A healthy goodbye paves the road for a healthy re-aquaintance in the future. When you walk away from someone's life for a long period of time, everything changes. Time doesn't stand still in order for you to pick up where you left off. So the place where you left off should be a positive one so new common ground is easier to plow. Lord, give me the strength to reign in my emotions so I can show people how I truly feel about them; not just when I say goodbye, but every day I have left with them.
The past few months if my life have been tough.
