I was listening to music this week at work through my headset and came across a Kevin Max song from his new CD "Imposter" . It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was a ton of bricks from Jesus, because the dozen CD's I have at work are random uncharted downloads from the music on my laptop. I hadn't even had a chance to listen to the entire album yet and it's been months since I got it. But this moment was appointed by Jesus for me to hear these words and immediately worship Him for His providence.
My spiritual journey has been a long and complicated one. There have been times in my life (more than I would like to admit) when I have ignored or walked away from God wanted me to do, and even what was right. The difference between God's will and God's plan is that God's will is for us to obey Him and live by His Word and Jesus' example. God's plan is what He has created us to be and do in this life. I have walked away from both at different times in my life. But as I have told so many people, He didn't write me off. And He didn't tell me "ok, now that you've chosen the wrong path you'll now have to settle for second best." No, He continues to shape into what I was created to be, and He continues to make His dreams and plans for me a reality. And He redeems the time that was lost! He is the Author and Creator of time! I can't look that reality in the face without crying and worshipping my Jesus for Who He is and what He's done! There have been times when I look back at who I was and have asked the same questions Kevin asks in this song:
Platform By: Kevin Max
Oh My God, here I go again,
Jumping off this platform to another end.
Oh my God, see me going deep;
Won't you take these millstones from around my feet.
And it's a tragedy this state I'm in...
Why'd ya choose me when you knew I wasn't tough enough??
Why'd ya send me when you knew I would run??
Why'd ya put me in the places that I didn't want??
Why'd ya call me when you knew I'd hang up??
Oh my God, can you see through me?
Can you pierce the darkness?
God, your charity, is the only song that I cannot sing...
Why'd ya choose when you knew I wasn't wise enough??
Why'd ya send me when you knew I would run??
Why'd ya put me in the places that I didn't want??
Why'd ya call me when you knew I'd hang up??
You hold me up and pull me down and twist me around in circles
and take me out and put me back depending on the situation...
Oh my God, can I feel your hand?
I need direction and a place to land...
Why'd ya choose when you knew I wasn't tough enough?
Why'd ya send me when you knew I would run?
Why'd ya put me in the places that I didn't want?
Why'd ya call me when you knew I'd hang up?
I can relate to the struggle in Kevin's heart as He wrestles with the facts of knowing that God is all knowing and all powerful, and He knows we are weak. So the question is why on earth is He coming to us when He knows we will run from Him and reject Him? Why does He place calling on our lives when He knows we aren't wise enough to handle it? We are shocked and ashamed when we mess up; isn't God? I ran for years from what He wanted me to do. Is it too late?
I believe the disciples were faced with the same revelation when they looked back and saw how they reacted in the face of adversity when Jesus was being led to His crucifixion. Why on earth did He choose fishermen; people from the "B" team, not good enough to go to rabbinical school (like Rob Bell often points out!) ? When He calls people why is it not always the smartest and the richest and those who seem to have it all together?
Some of the answers I have come to in my own journey have been heart-rending. He chooses those of us who are "weak" so that He can be strong. He doesn't want us to do things for Him in our own power, His wants things done in His Power, and He deserves the glory! His plans and dreams and methods are so much higher and so much more EFFECTIVE than anything we can dream up on our own. It's really kinda ridiculous what we come up with when you look at it from this perspective, but people who seem to have it all together too often don't have room for God's help. I remember the years of striving to do things my way and I shake my head at the futility of it! I have come to know that He is an interactive God. He doesn't hand us an idea and expect us to run with it. He gives us a picture and then waits for us to ask Him how to move forward with it. I cringe at the wasted time I think I see in my life, and then remember that He is the Redeemer and Restorer of what the "locusts have eaten". It is comforting to know that He created me and knows what is best, but it is also comforting to know that it also means He knows I am going to trip up sometimes. It doesn't surprise Him one ounce when I trip! It takes the pressure off to know that if He has called me to it, He will make it happen, through no power of my own. He asks only for my willingness to take my hands off the steering wheel. I can't tell you I always get it right, but I can tell you that when I do the results are amazing!
It was the unconditional love and acceptance that the disciples saw in Jesus face; the forgiveness for the unforgivable that He showed them that empowered them to move forward and not give into despair. It was His LOVE that inspired them to move beyond their shortcomings and dedicate their lives (and deaths) to furthering His Name. The more I know of Him, the more I want of Him. The more I see the results of His leading, the more I want to follow. I PRAISE YOU JESUS for loving me enough to never give up on me!
