'tristmas" pt 2

So, little did I know when I wrote my last entry what this Christmas would actually hold for me and my family...

Thursday morning before Christmas I got a call from my dad, which in and of itself is a reason for me to worry. Listening to the message, I discovered that mom had intestinal flu, and they didn't think it would be a good idea for me to come home. I wasn't planning to be there until late Saturday, so I emailed him and told him that I would wait until Sunday afternoon, but I couldn't just NOT come home for Christmas. I was hoping it would be a 24 hour thing and all would be as it should by then...

Saturday I got a message from mom, she was not any better and now dad had caught the bug. According to her it was the world's worst flu, and she didn't want me near them. Also, the house was not ready, nor the food or gifts...

Now there was an issue. I live alone, over an hour from my parents, and the thought of spending Christmas Eve into Christmas morning alone for the first time in my life did not sound pleasant. I am blessed with friends who are like family, and I could spend Christmas Day with them, but the night before.... no candlelight service, no special meal, no cookies and hot chocolate by the fireplace... and waking up alone on Christmas morning... I'd like to spiritualize all of it, and say that it was an awesome opportunity to reflect on Jesus and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. While I did spend time reflecting on Jesus, and I tried to make the best of it while cooking myself a nice meal and wrapping gifts, it was still very difficult. One ray of light from the Lord came through a phone call from a friend spending his first Christmas away from home as well, and it reminded me of all of my friends overseas who would be missing their family this night. Remembering this eased the pain, and helped me realize that I wasn't truly alone. Besides that, as miserable I was, it was nothing compared to what my parents were facing. Mom said she lost 10 lbs in 4 days...

I had fun on Christmas day with my friends and truly enjoyed the relaxation of having a four day weekend from work. And I'll have Christmas with my family; it's only been postponed. I watched "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" on Christmas day and it reminded me again that Christmas comes, with or without trappings, because that's not what it's about anyway. But this experience also made me appreciate my family even more than the traditions we have in place. I know that I can live without the traditions, though it's nice to have the memories we have made over the years together. I realized that I just wanted to be with THEM, whether we had presents or food or not. I have been truly blessed.

"tristmas"

The Christmas season turns a lot people into kids again. "Tristmas" was how I pronounced Christmas in COLLEGE, not as a child. I get downright giddy when it comes to decorating and giving gifts and pulling out the Christmas music...sometimes it makes me sound like a moron. But I have always been a kid at heart. I love cartoons; Disney movies, Spongebob Squarepants, and(much to my brother's dismay) I know every Veggie Tale silly song by heart. And the music! I remember getting the Mariah Carey Christmas CD for myself the year I knew I was getting my first CD player. My college friends and I listened to that thing year 'round!

I don't remember a lot of Christmas's before 5-6th grade. I remember my first cabbage patch doll, and different gifts I got throughout the years, but the most ingrained memory is the traditional Christmas celebration in the Pierce household. We got it all mapped out early (I don't even remember how it started!) and though we have tried to deviate from "the plan" over the years, we ALWAYS came back to the family traditions. My mom brought organization to the chaos on my dad's side of the family. She went over to my grandparents' early in their relationship and it was a free-for-all around the tree...Everyone opening all their presents at once. It was over in minutes and no one knew who got what and and from whom. She started having them take turns from youngest to oldest and it stuck, there and in our own home. It gave everyone a chance to sit and share with one another and give thanks for what they were receiving.

Here is what a Christmas Eve and Christmas Day would look like in our home. (Mom always wanted the quality time to last as long as possible!) :

Christmas Eve was full of baking and wrapping and getting ready for the next day. We would go to the candlelight Christmas Eve service at our church and then come home and have a nice meal, and then hot chocolate and cookies around the fireplace. Mom NEVER put all the presents under the tree before Christmas morning. She always waited until we went to bed to fill it up so that we would be surprised in the morning. Even after we stopped believing in Santa, she would keep our presents hidden. She also does not like to tell one of us what she got for the other. Only if she needed advice or help did she reveal what she got anyone.

On Christmas morning we would wake up and go down and start with stockings. We even took turns with those, reaching in for one thing at a time, going in order of youngest to oldest. When my sister in law joined our gathering, she had problems with this in particular. I don't know how many times my brother would call her out for digging around in her stocking when it was someone else's turn. She would just get this cute obviously guilty look on her face. I think he was maybe jus jealous he wasn't the youngest in the family anymore! Once those were done we would all go and help fix breakfast. Usually it was dad's famous scrambled eggs and some amazing baked sweet creation from mom. Only after we were finished with breakfast would we start passing out the gifts. Opening one at a time prolonged our time together, and it made the magic of Christmas morning last.

As an adult now I find myself still clinging to those things. I want the same tree we had growing up (though it's the oldest and fakest fake tree ever), I want the schedule to be the same, I want my brother to be there. But things change. The old tree has been retired for a number of tiny pencil trees, we only get my brother and sister every other year now, and I don't live at home anymore. Living on my own I miss most of the decorating and baking that goes on at my parents'. But times change, don't they? QUICKLY! And not everything can stay the same. It's nice to have traditions, but it's so easy to get unyielding or legalistic, and then we miss the whole point of Christmas: which is celebrating Christ.

"For unto us is born this day in the city of David, a Savior Who is Christ the Lord."

thanks

I want to be truly grateful for what God has given me.

Last Sunday Pastor Steve preached on being truly grateful for all things, good and bad, roses and thorns, because all things work together for God's good. He said that the root of ingratitude is accusation. By being ungrateful we accuse God of not knowing what is best for us or how to care for His own. Putting it that way is really a revelation and it illuminates the true damage of grumbling and complaining. I don't believe there is anything wrong with being honest with God regarding our circumstances. He doesn't call us to be 'happy all the day' like the old hymn implies. I do believe that our joy and faith needs to come from a deeper place; a place that the mucky sludge of life cannot taint. When we believe in the delicate balance of our personal choices and their consequences vs. The ultimate fact that God is in control of all things, rolling with the punches comes a little easier.

I got a picture from the Lord once for a friend going through a major trauma in her life. I saw my friend and her family standing in their dining room, and this "invisible" presence was surrounding them and holding them close in one arm, while the other arm was stretched out in front of them. Their circumstances were standing before them, but everything that was being hurled at them was being filtered through the hand of the One holding on to them. What an awesome picture of what our Father does for us. The pain and the trials of this world are bound to come, but God is there, filtering everything that comes at us so that we are not faced with more than we can handle through His power. Accepting that kind of picture requires something profound--the faith to believe that the trials we face can be ultimately used for our good, and for the good of those around us. We have to reconcile ourselves with the truth that while God is all powerful and could squash every painful thing that comes our way, He allows certain things to happen because of 1) Free Will and consequences, 2) our trials make us stronger as a person and as a believer, and 3) our experiences help us relate to people around us who need to know Jesus. This is only part of the picture; a simplistic view of why "bad things happen to good people". We can never fully comprehend the big picture, the plans and mind of God. But we can believe in His inherent goodness and unconditional love and cling to the promise that all things work together for good for those who love Him.

So I want to be grateful for all the blessings God has given me this Thanksgiving and all the time...My family and friends, my job, my apartment, my church...But I also want to thank Him for the trials I face that make me stronger and that show me the glory of His power. When I come through something tough victoriously, it is a testimony to His amazing grace and faithfulness. There is nothing I would rather be than a testimony to the grace of God.

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends.

my turn to ramble

Ok, not to steal anything from Scott, but I just wanted to be random and ramble on about things that are bouncing around in my head.

Have you all heard the new group Under the Influence of Giants? All I had was a single until recently someone gave me the album. I LOVE this group. You have to check it out. I have also recently acquired The Killers new album, Sam's Town. Yum.

My friend Derek recently posted some stuff about music and asked what songs we would like to see live. I immediately went to 80's music and listed songs by some of the Big Hair Bands like Def Leopard and Guns N Roses. He commented on that, saying what about the 90's? Well, I think it's because of a couple of reasons. The 80's was when I was in junior high and high school. Music was just becoming influential, and hearing that stuff really takes you back. I also don't think that the 90's have been gone long enough for us to miss the music as much. I remember when the 80's music hit "oldies" status because we hit the 20 year mark. I don't like the term "oldies" very much! I am sure our parents didn't either when their rock and roll became dated. I am only starting to miss the 90's. The grunge era with Smashing Pumpkins and Nirvana, Soundgarden and Stone Temple Pilots. I loved that stuff, too. Mmmm, and Ben Folds Five. "Brick" is such a great song...I loved that depressed piano driven sound...

I am housesitting and dog-sitting for the Donnelly's this week. They are off in Florida enjoying the sun. It's raining here, the usual for Ohio fall weather. Taking care of Bailey is a dichotomy. He is a great dog, but I am not used to having someone to come home to and take care of. I see how independent I have become and wonder how I would ever live with someone if I got married. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to find out! But as I get older I realize how settled I have become. It's nice having someone at home happy to see me. But at the same time, what happens when I don't come home soon enough? :o) (Don't worry Scott and Cheryl, I am not neglecting your boy!) It's just been interesting considering these things.

Cool things have been happening at work. It takes me a long time to get to know people sometimes, and that means I am pretty reserved until I feel comfortable. I have noticed in the last few weeks, however, that things have changed with my coworkers. I have such a great time with them now; we spend the day laughing at stupid mistakes, bothersome sales reps, and crazy customer requests. It's such a stress reliever for me to be able to make smart comments out loud and laugh with my friends about what's going on during the day. We have decided to start going out after work every once in awhile so we can get to know each other better. It's such a blessing to actually enjoy my work and my work environment. Plus I am making new friends in the area which is always a good thing. After all the stress over the summer, it's nice to have a full team again on the phones so the work load is more tolerable.

My car, however, is not so good. I have had it in the shop every month for the past 3 months, and once over the summer. I have surpassed what I paid for it long ago. Jesus, please send me a more reliable car! He has already blessed me with a Christian mechanic who lets me make payments on the repairs and has a loaner he gives out at no charge. I am not complaining. It's just that the stress of car trouble gives me nightmares. I have noticed an empathy that has come from all the trouble I have experienced. Every time I see a car pulled over on the side of the road I immediately say a prayer for them. Sometimes if it looks like a desperate enough situation I tear up. It's really affects me. I pray that the Lord intervenes soon and helps me either be able to afford a car payment, or works a miracle in some other way.

Last but not least, for those of you who love the old 80's movies like 16 candles, Breakfast Club, Karate Kid, and so many others, I have the movie for you! VH1 did an original movie spoofing all the great 80's scenarios. It's called Totally Awesome and they have been playing it everyday since Saturday. You should really check it out if you are interested...I laughed and laughed.

Peace out for now!

lost

Ok, so I felt like writing about something fun and frivolous this time...

I LOVE LOST!

I missed the premire last week, so my friends Scott and Cheryl were kind enough to download it for me on their computer. I went over to their house last night and we had a mini-LOST-athon. We watched last weeks episode and then watched the new one. Sawyer, pictured to the left, is my favorite. Everytime he calls Kate "Freckles" I melt. Sayid is a close second, pictured on the right.

For those of you who don't watch it, you're missing out. The intrigue is top notch. There is so much going on in the plot with these poor airplane crash victims that it will make your head spin. My mom has a hard time following the flashbacks in shows or movies, but I love they way they do them in LOST. You get glimpses of their lives before the crash that help you understand a little more about who they are and how their pasts intertwine. It's gets more tangled and twisted with every season, and I LOVE IT! This season revealed a huge part of the mystery of "the Others", the rivals that the crash victims have been scrapping with since they got there. Everything that has looked so much like coincidence or bad luck is fading away with each episode. Next week we get to see if Locke can still walk since the magnetic field has been blown...

No idea what I'm talking about? Jumping in this season might only be frustrating. Get the first couple seasons on DVD first to catch up. Losing interest because of all the re-runs last season? Try again! This season there will be NO reruns. They will take a break in the middle of the season instead dragging everything out for the whole year. It should be much more cohesive now.

In the first season I wondered how in the world they could make one incident last through one season, much less several. I stand amazed!

everybody wants to go to heaven...but nobody wants to die...

I had a fun experience this morning. I had the opportunity to be a part of a monumental moment in an old friend's life. It was a testimony to the redemptive grace of Jesus.

I have a friend from college who I used to travel and sing with all the time. We were in worship teams, college trios and quartets, and then eventually sang professionally in a trio for awhile. College opened up a whole new musical world for us; the world of Southern Gospel music. My parents were never into it much, and my friend, Scott, was trained in classical music and piano. But going to small southern Ohio Bible college meant learning the southern Ohio musical language. I have to admit that while I have never been a huge fan of Southern Gospel, I really enjoyed singing it. We were by no means "country" in style, but did have a lot of fun and met a lot of great people, including other professional gospel groups. We even spent a weekend at the National Quartet Convention one year.

Anyway, I digress...

My friend, Scott, and I have had some rough times in our lives since then. Both of us at times have really strayed from God's purpose for our lives. Our friendship suffered quite a bit as well. Recently, however, the Lord put him back in my path, and we discovered that we have both been on a pretty amazing journey, as God has led us back around to what we were created to be: completely His. It has been great catching up on old times and new chapters, and reliving the hysterical moments we have shared over the years. Scott emailed me about a week ago and told me to call him, and to be sitting down when I did, because he had something to tell me. When I called, he informed me that he had auditioned for a gospel quartet and had been asked to join them on the road! It was so overwhelming to see how God was blessing! Even after all the years he thought he had wasted, God was restoring his dreams and leading Him back into the ministry he loved. I could totally relate to that!

So this morning, I was able to go to a concert in a church local to my parents and hear Scott sing with his new buddies, The Suwannee River Boys. The five of them had fun on the platform and enjoyed each other like they had known one another for years. It was surreal almost to see my friend, someone I had been separated from for several years, standing on the platform with a group of professionals, living a dream he has had in his heart since I had known him. It was so moving.

So, now you're wondering, what in the world does her TITLE mean? How does that relate at all with what she is sharing? Well, I'll tell you. It's 2-fold. First, it's a sound byte from David Crowder's new album; an old spiritual or southern gospel song he samples at the beginning of the first song. (It's also the title of his new book!) It sounds funny, but it's pretty profound. It is the profound that truly relates to what I am sharing.

Scott and I spent a lot of time in our lives pursuing our own dreams in our own power, doing things our own way. We pursued ministry, so it all sounded like a great plan. But in our feeble hands, it crumbled. We want the bright lights and the big time ("heaven") but we weren't willing to "die" to ourselves and do it God's way. Everybody wants God's blessing, His best for our lives. But we fail to see that if we are to truly achieve what is BEST we have to give up our idea of what that BEST is. And it's not that the desires of our heart are always wrong, or that God ignores what we want in order to have His way. He gives us our desires and dreams. But we can only see a part of the picture, a tiny spec of the grand scheme of things. His dreams for us are actually so much bigger than we could ever imagine. The key is placing Him BEFORE the dream on the priority list. It's only then that we can fulfill His purpose and truly succeed. Our dreams are safer in God's hands than in our own. Sounds like a simple concept, but it's so tough to learn!

I had to praise God when I watched Scott get on that big customized bus this afternoon and head out to the next service on the schedule for tonight. It was good for my soul to see another miracle orchestrated in the life of one of His children.

Thank you, Abba.

stress

It's so long since I have written, yet I am having a problem getting started. It seems like the stress of my job has sucked all the creative energy right out of me on most days. It's hard, really, to put into words just how stressful my job really is, and I don't want it to sound like I am complaining. It's strange because, though it is overwhelming, I do enjoy what I am doing, where I am, and whom I am doing it with. I like my boss and my co-workers, I like the company, and most of the customers I work with on a daily basis are great. I am grateful for my job, and truly feel God led me to it. But I wasn't really prepared for how consuming it was going to become.

It was a tough routine to learn, and even at almost 6 months, I definitely don't feel I have mastered it. It took 2 months of training before I was even set free to answer the phones, and still, at least once everyday, I am faced with something totally new. I have had to learn new computer programs, phone scripts, chemical names, codes and containers. I talk with dozens of our company buyers, sales representatives, and warehouse workers a day. Every order I take on the phone is a project in which I must make sure the chemical is correct, on time, priced appropriately, approved by the right people...some chemicals are Drug Enforcement Agency regulated and bound to procedures and paperwork. But at the crux of all the flurry of details and logistics is that if it's done improperly, I could (or we could) put a company out of production for a day, week, whatever and cost them a bundle. This is not good for us or them. So to sum it all up, I am in frenzied/adrenaline rush/edge of my seat mode for an entire 9 hours everyday. Even my breaks and lunch hour are consumed with thoughts of what needs to be done and who needs to be contacted and what deadlines have to met.

Being in this state of mind everyday, five days a week has really taken its toll on me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. The past couple of weeks have been tough for me because I have felt overwhelmed and on the edge, like I couldn't possibley take anymore. I know I serve a God who protects and preserves, and He knows my limits. But the way I have been feeling lately has been scary. My natural reaction to stress is sleep, and I have been going to bed at night by 9:00, often earlier, and taking naps on the weekends. I just took a four hour nap today after a full nights sleep last night! It's amazing what affect the state of the mind can have on the physical body. And it's amazing how being exhausted physcially can keep me from doing the one thing I know can help feel better: spend time with Jesus.

This whole time I have been struggling I have been asking people to pray for me, yet I have not been praying for myself. I haven't been reading about Him, I haven't been singing to Him. I am too tired to go to small group; too depressed to reach out to the community of believers He has given me. It's like the worse it gets the more I withdraw and I don't understand it. I feel like no one will understand what I am going through, so I don't give anyone a chance. I feel like I should be strong enought to handle it on my own, so I don't want to mention it. And I know that this is not what God intended. This is not what Community is all about. It's deception that the enemy has been whipering in my ear, and in my weakened state I have given into it.

A friend of mine shared some Psalms with me today in an email and one of them inparticular struck me. I've read it before, but as Scripture often does, it spoke directly to my current situation.

Psalm 91:1-2
"He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in Him will I trust."

And God says to me in vs 14-15
"Because he hath set his love upon Me, therefore will I deliver him, I will set him on high; because he hath known my name. He shall call upon Me and I will answer him. I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honour him."

I see something very clearly here. First of all, my responsibility is to take refuge in Him; trust Him and love Him. His responsibility looks different. He is going to protect me, raise me up above the circumstances, HE WILL DELIVER ME. My responsibility is of the heart; to seek intimacy. His responsibilty is one of action; to provide deliverance.

And yet I tell myself I need to "handle" my own issues. I need to be strong; don't complain or grieve or show weakness or disappointment.

Actually, I need to run immediately and cower in the shadow of His wing. I need to wave the white flag and retreat. In doing so, I am doing the bravest thing imaginable.

Relinquishing control.

camp

This weekend holds a very important event; a reunion for camp workers who worked at Mt of Praise camp with Cheryl B. and Janette P. Over the course of about 16 years these two amazing women ran the children's ministry at this 10 day family camp. And if that's not a big enough job, they decided to have a group of 25-30 teenagers and young adults work with them. At times it was like babysitting for two different, and yet very similar, groups of kids. But to the two of them, it was all ministry. They were (and continue to be) vessels through which God changed the hearts and lives of children and young people alike. Not only were we taught how to minister to the children, we were also ministered to; and loved unconditionally by Cheryl and Janette. We were all "their kids" and they smacked us around when we needed it, and fought for our honor when we needed it. Friendships were built during those hot August days that would last a lifetime, and even this weekend after all these years, people are coming from miles around and across state lines to reminisce about the old days and fellowship together.

Camp was one of the most influential tools God used in my life to shape me into who I am today. These women were a part of that. I learned so much about Kingdom work, about myself, about the gifts God has given me...and the friendships! I am in awe of the people God placed in my life, and how connected my heart is to them. The laughter and the tears and the hard work built a bond between us, and the memories are sweet. Even now as our daily lives draw us apart, sharing one story from that time in our lives can bridge the gap and make it seem like we are still in that basement, surrounded by music and decorations, kids ministering to kids...it's the greatest feeling.

I am looking forward to seeing everyone this weekend. Hopefully it will become an annual tradition and grow as we connect with more and more faces and names from the past. I feel blessed to have had such a life altering experience.

potpourri

Ok, YES John Massie John Massie! It HAS been forever! I will update now, I promise!

Fun and exciting times in my world these days! Ready for the Reader’s Digest version? I can’t really promise this will be short, but everyone knows I am long-winded…

First, on the Job Front: Work is going very well at Ashland. I finished my training and started taking phone orders in May (nice little pay raise included!) and time flies now with the business of processing these orders. The customer service department is really more logistical than call center as far as environment. When I take an order over the phone, I have to follow it and track it’s progress until it reaches the customer. If it isn’t in stock, I have to find stock. If it’s in a different warehouse I have to get permission to take it from that warehouse and send it on a carrier. If the price is in question I have to work with the Sales Rep. for that customer to get it straightened out. The stress comes from knowing that if we screw up an order and it doesn’t deliver on time or correctly, we could shut down a business for a day or even more, not to mention lose a customer’s patronage. So instead of taking a million calls, I take fewer calls that are projects that take days, weeks, or sometimes even months to complete. I am a detail oriented person, and I enjoy organization and problem solving. I have just never done it on this grand of a scale before! I enjoy the people and I am happy here.

Second, on the HOME Front: I GOT MY OWN PLACE!! I will have to provide some pictures once I can get someone with a digital camera in there! I love it. It’s a very comfortable 2 bedroom, it brings me about 10 minutes closer to work, and we have a pool! It’s a nice area, and I love having my own space. It’s been five years since I lived on my own, and it’s nice all of my things out of storage and in the one place! I had to pack up things from three different locations to move, and that a bit of a logistical nightmare. But thanks to AMAZING friends I was able to do it all in one weekend. God has provided so much for me, and I feel very peaceful about where I am. God has sent me money for moving, groceries, free furniture, even a beautiful mattress set…all through His faithful followers. I have been so blessed to see how it has come together. I have been in my place one month and I am LOVING it. It was like Christmas opening all those boxes that had been in storage for years...

Third, on the FAMILY front: This past weekend the family got together in my parents’ home to say goodbye to my brother and his wife. They are embarking on a journey to SRI LANKA with an organization called SAWSO . They will be working in several different facets of Tsunami relief aid, including construction of homes, community health, education/awareness of human trafficking, and job skills. They have committed to a year, however, we all believe this will open up more doors for them. They are both enablers; they want to see health and wholeness, physically and spiritually, being maintained by nationals. I can see them in project related work all over the world, and know that their hearts have been transformed by God to see the world through His eyes. Hearts such as that are not content to stay home, but need to venture out. Goodbyes are hard. But my heart rejoices with them on this amazing adventure. I can hardly contain myself when I think about what God is going to accomplish through them as they give hands and feet to the love of Jesus.

Fourth, on the PHYSICAL Front: I had an episode with a kidney stone last week, and found myself in the local ER in the middle of the night. It’s not easy to rouse people from sleep at 4:30 AM, but I finally got a hold of some friends to come get me because I could not have driven myself. It really is as painful as everyone says. I am thankful however, the pain was gone by the time I left the hospital around 7:00 AM, and I have not been in pain since. I am following up with specialists to make sure everything is alright, but I am thanking God for healing me.

There is it in a nutshell, my friends. The good times are definitely out-weighing the bad, and God is blessing!

platform

I need to get my PRAISE ON for a moment so bear with me!

I was listening to music this week at work through my headset and came across a Kevin Max song from his new CD "Imposter" . It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was a ton of bricks from Jesus, because the dozen CD's I have at work are random uncharted downloads from the music on my laptop. I hadn't even had a chance to listen to the entire album yet and it's been months since I got it. But this moment was appointed by Jesus for me to hear these words and immediately worship Him for His providence.

My spiritual journey has been a long and complicated one. There have been times in my life (more than I would like to admit) when I have ignored or walked away from God wanted me to do, and even what was right. The difference between God's will and God's plan is that God's will is for us to obey Him and live by His Word and Jesus' example. God's plan is what He has created us to be and do in this life. I have walked away from both at different times in my life. But as I have told so many people, He didn't write me off. And He didn't tell me "ok, now that you've chosen the wrong path you'll now have to settle for second best." No, He continues to shape into what I was created to be, and He continues to make His dreams and plans for me a reality. And He redeems the time that was lost! He is the Author and Creator of time! I can't look that reality in the face without crying and worshipping my Jesus for Who He is and what He's done! There have been times when I look back at who I was and have asked the same questions Kevin asks in this song:

Platform By: Kevin Max

Oh My God, here I go again,
Jumping off this platform to another end.
Oh my God, see me going deep;
Won't you take these millstones from around my feet.
And it's a tragedy this state I'm in...

Why'd ya choose me when you knew I wasn't tough enough??
Why'd ya send me when you knew I would run??
Why'd ya put me in the places that I didn't want??
Why'd ya call me when you knew I'd hang up??

Oh my God, can you see through me?
Can you pierce the darkness?
God, your charity, is the only song that I cannot sing...

Why'd ya choose when you knew I wasn't wise enough??
Why'd ya send me when you knew I would run??
Why'd ya put me in the places that I didn't want??
Why'd ya call me when you knew I'd hang up??

You hold me up and pull me down and twist me around in circles
and take me out and put me back depending on the situation...
Oh my God, can I feel your hand?
I need direction and a place to land...

Why'd ya choose when you knew I wasn't tough enough?
Why'd ya send me when you knew I would run?
Why'd ya put me in the places that I didn't want?
Why'd ya call me when you knew I'd hang up?

I can relate to the struggle in Kevin's heart as He wrestles with the facts of knowing that God is all knowing and all powerful, and He knows we are weak. So the question is why on earth is He coming to us when He knows we will run from Him and reject Him? Why does He place calling on our lives when He knows we aren't wise enough to handle it? We are shocked and ashamed when we mess up; isn't God? I ran for years from what He wanted me to do. Is it too late?

I believe the disciples were faced with the same revelation when they looked back and saw how they reacted in the face of adversity when Jesus was being led to His crucifixion. Why on earth did He choose fishermen; people from the "B" team, not good enough to go to rabbinical school (like Rob Bell often points out!) ? When He calls people why is it not always the smartest and the richest and those who seem to have it all together?

Some of the answers I have come to in my own journey have been heart-rending. He chooses those of us who are "weak" so that He can be strong. He doesn't want us to do things for Him in our own power, His wants things done in His Power, and He deserves the glory! His plans and dreams and methods are so much higher and so much more EFFECTIVE than anything we can dream up on our own. It's really kinda ridiculous what we come up with when you look at it from this perspective, but people who seem to have it all together too often don't have room for God's help. I remember the years of striving to do things my way and I shake my head at the futility of it! I have come to know that He is an interactive God. He doesn't hand us an idea and expect us to run with it. He gives us a picture and then waits for us to ask Him how to move forward with it. I cringe at the wasted time I think I see in my life, and then remember that He is the Redeemer and Restorer of what the "locusts have eaten". It is comforting to know that He created me and knows what is best, but it is also comforting to know that it also means He knows I am going to trip up sometimes. It doesn't surprise Him one ounce when I trip! It takes the pressure off to know that if He has called me to it, He will make it happen, through no power of my own. He asks only for my willingness to take my hands off the steering wheel. I can't tell you I always get it right, but I can tell you that when I do the results are amazing!

It was the unconditional love and acceptance that the disciples saw in Jesus face; the forgiveness for the unforgivable that He showed them that empowered them to move forward and not give into despair. It was His LOVE that inspired them to move beyond their shortcomings and dedicate their lives (and deaths) to furthering His Name. The more I know of Him, the more I want of Him. The more I see the results of His leading, the more I want to follow. I PRAISE YOU JESUS for loving me enough to never give up on me!

time keeps on tickin' tickin' tickin...

In 45 minutes I will be 31 years old. How can THAT be possible? I should be sleeping right now. 5:40 AM will come tomorrow with all the subtlety of a speeding semi truck...and yet I can't lie down. Not yet.

Mother's Day, 1975, Columbus, Ohio...my parents were celebrating their first child; the one they were told would never be born. The one they waited 7 long years of marriage to see. The one the doctor called a "watermelon" for 9 months because he couldn't believe my mom was actually pregnant...And time kept tickin... Now, 31 years later, I wonder about who I am, where I've been...have I made the most of 31 years? Have I squeezed as much life and love out of 31 years that I possibly can? Do I have regrets? What if's?

More questions...do I look 31? Do I act 31? I feel so immature for being "in my 30's". I have my first real job in "the big city", and yet sometimes I feel like I am playing a part in a play. The same type of feelings that washed over me when I turned 30 threaten to drown me now. I'm not doing what I envisioned myself to be doing at this stage of my life. I don't have what I thought I would have, I'm not in the place where I thought I would be. When I look back at my entry from turning 30, I realize I sound like a broken record. A year sounds like forever, but really it's just a drop in the bucket. Compared to eternity, it's barely the thought of someone dropping something in a bucket... Rob Bell once said that "time only exists between the trees". What he meant was that before the world and the tree of the "knowledge of good and evil" was created, time didn't exist. When that tree is restored in the last day, time will cease to exist again. When I look at it that way I realize that I am really allowing something temporary be the "boss of me". Who says I have to have this or be this or do this by a certain age? The important thing is to be in step with the Creator and destroyer of time. The concept of eternity tells me I have forever to become what I am intended to be, and my time here on earth is only a small part of it. This isn't the whole story, yet merely chapters of the novel. And to really nail it down, are any of these temporary things more important than intimacy with Jesus? Definitely not!

I am human, therefore there are certain things I desire to see take place in my life. We have a need for temporary things as well as eternal. But my prayer is that my priorities stay in line with what Jesus says I need and when I need them. It is only then that I find the underlying peace that comes with knowing that God is truly in control of time.

vineyard values

I spent some time on a Saturday morning not too long ago learning about my new church family. The Vineyard church I attend has a class for new attendees called Vineyard Values. Vineyard is not a denomination, but an Association of churches. They don't do formal membership, which sits well with me because of prior experience! However, they do offer a opportunity for people who desire to learn more about the church and the Vineyard movement in the form of a casual Saturday morning class. Pastor Steve led the class, and we talked about the history of the movement, it's origin and it's beliefs.

I have to say that I have been in a lot of churches and a lot of "what we believe" type classes. I have not, however, cried through any of them because the Holy Spirit has moved in my heart. Until now. I felt so connected to the pastor because he came from the same church background as I did, and he has such a healthy grip on accepting the good and the bad that has come from it. I want to be in that place; seeing how God has used all things to work together for my good. But more than just relating to Pastor Steve, everything he shared about how God has moved in the Vineyard churches rang true with my heart. I consistently nodded my head because the values of the Vineyard coincided with what God has been doing in my life for the past three years. I couldn't believe how perfect the fit was, except to know that it is His Providential Hand that led me to this place.

God has heard my prayers of loneliness and discontent and He has brought to this Community of Believers. I'm home.

back in the saddle again

I guess I have left ya'all hangin' on the blogfront about the job! Here's the scoop:

2 minutes into the interview - I had made a connection with the interviewing manager and could tell that this interview was going better than the last one.

40 minutes later - I was on the road back home, talking to friends on the phone and telling them how well it went and how peaceful I felt.

20 minutes after I got home - I got a phone call from the hiring firm wanting to know if I could start the next morning at 8:30!

24 hours later - I was finishing my very first day as an Ashland Chemicals employee!

Isn't God amazing?

So now, two weeks into the job, things are still going very well. I enjoy the job and the people I work with. Working in a sea of cubicles, (aka a "Cube Farm") is a new experience for me. And I am positive that in a couple months, the movie "Office Space" will take on a whole new meaning! But it's exciting and I feel confident that the Lord has placed me here for a reason. I am so thankful for His faithfulness! And thank all of you for praying for me!!

brighter days (bookend to "disappointment")

Ok, ok, I'm done moping. By the end of the day Wednesday I had received a call back from the company wanting me to interview in a different area with a different manager. It was funny because the woman who called me was afraid I'd think she was crazy because she had just told me that they weren't interested. I didn't think she was crazy, I thought God was faithful. She was just the messenger of His providence.

So on Monday I have another interview, and I am pursuing a couple of other promising leads as well. All hope is not lost, though it continues to be a struggle to see that fact. Sometimes I feel just fine, and sometimes I feel as if I am teetering on the edge of despair. And the sad thing is that it is almost completely because of the money issues. I feel like I am receiving so much spiritually and I can see growth already just being a part of a church family on a regular basis again. But I have a hard time, it seems, focusing on the the importance of the journey and not just the goal. It's not easy to remain positive when bill collectors are calling everyday.

I do, however, know that He has a plan for me. And I continue to hang on to Him for dear life, knowing that there is no place safer than the palm of His hand.

disappointment

What a slap in the head. I've never not received a job I have interviewed for before. Not ever. What the heck? The disappointment is a little overwhelming right now.

"They've hired someone who better suits their needs at this time."

It's disappointment like this that makes you want to wallow in all the doubts you had about yourself in the first place. And to find out at 1:00 AM when there is nobody to talk to! Nobody to vent with . . . nobody to tell you that they are missin' out on the world's best employee. It's THEIR loss, right? And what makes it worse is that it comes after 6 or more weeks of waiting and searching and fretting over bills that are overdue. Even the platitude that God has something more suited for me doesn't make me feel one ounce better. So I sit here and blog out of frustration and disappointment. Deep-seated emotional writing is not something I have done for a long time. I used to write poems full of anguish when I was in junior high and high school. Emotion seemed to just boil over in me, and writing was my only outlet. Over the years I developed friendships that have served as sounding boards. They have helped me stay sane, and my writing has become more reserved.

But now they're all asleep.

In 8 hours or so when I wake up everything will look brighter. I will have allowed the Lord to reign in my perspective and re-establish my positive attitude. But tonight I am allowing myself to grieve and be disappointed, and to wonder:

What in the world is God doing?

peer pressure

I have been receiving a little peer pressure from my "blogging buddies" recently about lack of writing the past month. I will be honest, it's not because I haven't had time! I think I've just been in a slump lately; unhappy with some of my circumstances and feeling un-inspired.

It's not that the Lord hasn't been doing things in my life. Quite the contrary. I am loving getting to know my new church family.

There was a time (and not so long ago!) when I felt I never wanted to go to "church" again!

I have been receiving so much affirmation from the Lord through several people about the "voice" God has given me. And it's not about my singing voice this time! It's about the wisdom and truth that God has instilled in me. Often it's hard for me to speak up or pray out loud. I hear the Lord speaking to me, and yet I hesitate in sharing what He saying.

It's mostly a confidence issue. I have confidence in God, but not myself.

But lately I have been able to speak up. I have been able to contribute to prayer time out loud, been able to speak to people when I feel like the Lord has given me something to say to them. I feel like God is growing a whole new area of ministry inside of me, one that's more face to face and relational than just hiding behind a microphone. Leading worship is definitely a ministry, but sometimes I gravitate to it because of the talent God has given me. I consider it "safe". I haven't jumped into any organized ministry at the new church yet, because I want to wait on the Lord and see what He is doing. I definitely don't want to end up like I was when I left my last church: working at the church every night of the week just because I was "qualified" to do so. I want to do the things I am called to, and have the time to do them well.

I trust God to show me how to do that.

Another cool thing that the Lord has been doing is taking care of me in this transition and job search. Living with friends while broke and looking for work is not an easy position to be in, trust me. Sunday before last, the Associate Pastor's wife prayed with me after church. She sensed a heavy heart and a burden on my shoulders, and said that the Lord wanted to remove them from me. Within two days I had received a call-back for a second interview, the next day a friend of mine gave me an unexpected gift of money, and still more friends took me out and got shoes for me to wear to my interview. It was such an overwhelming flood of blessings, and it reminded me that God was still in control and looking out for His beloved.

One thing I love about God is the patience He shows in reminding my heart of the those things I already know in my head.

end of the spear

It's exciting to me that the Christian faith is being displayed on the "big screen" for all the world to see. First, The Chronicles of Narnia, and now, End of the Spear. (If you haven't seen Narnia, shame on you. GO NOW before it leaves the theaters!)

Growing up in church camp, we heard the story of the five missionary men who were speared to death in Ecuador, South America in the 1950's. They had been in the Amazon Basin with their families, and attempting to reach the violent tribe of the Waodani. The men flew into their village area and were attempting to communicate with the people in sparse, broken, Waodani phrases, and something went terribly wrong. All five of them were speared to death. Though they were armed with guns, they did not retaliate. The sacrifice of love didn't stop there, however. Rachel Saint, one of the men's sister, and one of the wives went back into the tribe and lived among the killers, leading the entire tribe to Jesus Christ and stopping the cycle of violence. It's an amazing story, and I hope I haven't ruined it for those of you who are not familiar with the story. Even knowing this much can not prepare you for the reality portrayed in this movie. The Gospel message is loud and clear.

Here are few things that I appreciated about this portrayal of Nate Saint, Jim Elliott, and the others:

-Even though it is set in the 50's, the missionaries were "real people". They laughed and played, loved-on their kids, got together to fellowship and dance and have a good time. Their love for Jesus and His purpose was evident, which made their love for the Waodani tribe more believable.

-The movie shows the thought patterns and struggles, and honest emotions of the tribe. Considering that some of the men who killed these missionaries are still alive, the film makers could use their "real life" stories and memories to portray what happened and why they attacked. It's not just all from the perspective of the missionaries, making the native people look like savages. It is true they were killers, and caught in a vicious cycle of revenge killing, but the deception of the Enemy is evident.

-This movie is not about sainthood or martyrdom. Their martyrdom is valid, but the story is about the miracle of how the love of God can transform a heart and life so completely that it is no longer recognizable. It is proof that loving God and loving others really does bring peace. This is the model He tried to give us with the Commandments in His Word -- a picture of how He would treat us, how to love unconditionally and place others above our own selfish desires. Ideally when this model is followed, there is peace. I believe that the harder people try to push God out of the picture, separate Him from "the State", compartmentalize Him in the world, the further we get from true peace. End of the Spear is an example of what it means to do things "God's way" and the success that comes from it.

I hope you'll see this movie. Not because the Christian groups want you to help make it a success at the box office, but because it will change you life. May the Lord strengthen your resolve, and establish a foundation of Love in your heart that will change the world.

this is the great adventure

Seems like the New Year celebrations for the past few years have brought with them huge changes in my life. New Year's Eve was never exciting in my house; it wasn't until I was a teenager and could go to youth group all-nighters that I really began celebrating them. As the years went on and I celebrated several different ways with the ever-changing groups of people in my life, it became about partying and not about a new chapter. Not partying in a BAD way, but mostly a chance to get together and hang out with friends. It's not a negative thing to hang out with friends, but the focus has changed to something deeper. Every year opens a new chapter in this great adventure with God, and He reveals Himself and His plans in new and exciting ways.

Last year I found myself walking away from the "safe and familiar" church and organizations that had been a part of my life forever. I took a huge leap of faith when Jesus asked me to follow Him, and growth and experience that came with this obedience was unprecedented. It hasn't been easy, and sometimes it has been downright grueling, yet there is a peace that passes all understanding that lies just beneath the surface. It's part of the paradox I have often mentioned; the journey of tribulation and jubilation that IS my existence.

And now, this New Year, the Lord is asking me yet again to trust His ways. We know that His ways are not man's ways, and the reconciling of such truth is not always an easy task. But it comes easier when we realize that while God is not always "safe", He is always Good. His Word promises that ALL things work together for good for those that love Him (Romans 8:28). When that truth is at the core of my being, I can trust Him and rest and in His hands, regardless of the chaos of circumstances swirling around me.

So as I stand on the edge of the unknown and face 2006, there is the slightest fraction of apprehension at the thought of moving in a new direction. But more than that there is EXCITEMENT and ANTICIPATION at the thought of this great adventure in which I am moving. God's word to me this New Year is "DREAM BIG, quit settling for less when I want you to have more!" I feel that He is telling me that I don't have to live like a penniless martyr in a temporary job or living situation in order to be ready to go when He tells me to go. It's ok to want stability and a home of my own, and even something as trivial as a "scrapbooking room". So I am moving towards the sound of His voice, pressing in to feel His heartbeat, and basking in the affection He has for me. As I run through the field of flowers and laugh at the whimsy of His love, I am impassioned to run higher up and further in so I can experience more of what He has for me. My only thought is to know Him more; to seek His face and not just His hand.

Make me what I was created to be, Lord, and let me know you.