the wilderness

The past few months if my life have been tough.

If you would ask me about last year, I would be gushing with amazing stories of a “romantic stage” with Jesus. It was a time of unbelievable transformation—a wooing or courtship phase where God lavished His love and blessings. The reality of His unconditional love and passion for me washed over my heart like a mighty rushing river. The growth that I experienced was unprecedented and can be marked by the “cliff dives” of faith I made as He led me through some of the biggest decisions of my life. I found myself in a place of lovesickness that facilitated an abandonment and willingness within myself to free fall from any height into His arms.

But this year…this year has been a time of wandering through the wilderness place below the “cliffs of obedience”. Here I face loneliness; where I feel like no one on earth understands who I am or what I am going through in this stage of my life. I face the anxiety of balancing His will and my effort. And I face the struggle for patience as I wait for His direction on the next step I should take in this journey. Last year I was standing on the mountain top, looking at the bright future laid out before me, knowing that I was being prepared for that time. This year I stand at the base, wishing I could see if I am getting any closer. In my heart, the goal is still the same; day by day seeking His face as he shows me the way. But the tug-o-war is between despair and hope, and everyday is a battle. I find myself longing for the euphoria of discovery and revelation I felt last year.

How do we reconcile what we KNOW with what we FEEL? Sometimes it’s impossible. But I have found that He is faithful to give us what we need when we need it. This weekend is an example.

I have been in a conference this weekend specific to the calling God has placed on my life. In the midst of the statistics and facts, there have been gems of revelation. Or should I say recollection? As the speakers have been sharing the most effective ways to reach this specific people group, they have confirmed several things that God has taught me as I have been in preparation the past couple of years. Over and over they have pinpointed specific problems in the way the church does ministry, where we have fallen short, and what it is going to take to regain the ground we have forfeited. All the while these revelations are ringing in my ears, and suddenly the changes He has asked me to allow Him to make within my heart and life are making sense! There is a glimmer of understanding and the peace of knowing that He truly does know what it best, and can see the end from the beginning. And so this time of loneliness and struggle in the wilderness suddenly becomes a little more tolerable, not just because I can see the fruits of the work He has done, but because I can once again see the Light at the end of the tunnel. And I know beyond a shadow of doubt that it has been worth it all. Just one glimpse of His providence and I am hooked and anticipating what He holds in store.