The journey was monumental for me and the Lord really did a deep work in my heart in several areas. One of the hardest weeks for me was True Femininity. By hard, I mean that it was tough to be completely vulnerable and honest with how I was feeling, and the process was emotional. The healing, however, that God performed in my heart and mind was so amazing. I have not been the same since. I am a firm believer in this book and the process that the Coles have laid out because they facilitate allowing the Holy Spirit to come and do the deep work that transforms lives. There is so much power in operating the freedom of healing and in knowing your true identity in the Lord. Part of that healing process has been in continuing to work with Pure Heart programs. While in Kansas City, I co-led a small group for the new interns that arrived after we finished track one. And now, in Michigan, I have had the opportunity to co-lead another small group through the same program in my new church. God even stepped it up a notch and gave me the opportunity to share a devotional/testimony on True Femininity night. This is an extended version of that testimony:
Women are an equal but different expression of the image of God. Even as a woman, it has taken me quite some time to begin to understand that. The Hebrew word used for woman in the Creation story is "ezer kenegdo" (Genesis 2:18) which means powerful equal, not just a helper. We were not an afterthought in God's plan, but part of a two-fold expression of the heart of God. The first account of Creation in Genesis 1:27 says "So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created He him, male and female created He them." We can see the sacredness of the the salvation covenant between God and mankind reflected in the marriage partnership He designed for a man and a woman. We are to become "one flesh" with our mates and we are to become as "one" in our relationship with God. This act of coming together in total agreement is the same picture we see portrayed in the image of the marriage of the Bridegroom Jesus and His Bride, the Church. It takes time and hard work to come into agreement with another person and with God. Let me just say here, too, that maybe that's why it's taking Jesus so long to return? But isn't funny how after couples have been together for decades they actually begin to "look like" one another? We become what we behold (I Cor. 3:18).
The Beatitude for this chapter is "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." (Matt. 5:7) In women we find a natural tendency towards mercy, though men are to show mercy as well. Women reflect the beautiful and relational side of the Father. We we created to be nurturing and compassionate. We were created with the longing to be captivated and pursued by another. We long to know that we are the only woman in the world that our man loves, and ultimately that God loves us and pursues us unconditionally. We long to connect with others on a deep level and showing mercy is a natural response to being in a trusting and wholehearted relationship. These things are the reflection of the Father's own heart and desires. He is jealous for us and will not suffer other lovers. He longs to be in relationship with us and desires to be pursued wholeheartedly. His plan for men and women is for them to serve together as equal partners in right relationship with Him and to be a reflection of His many attributes. We were all made to love Him and be loved by Him.
When Satan approached Eve and she gave into temptation, more happened than just the first sin - the results were not just being kicked out of Eden and women acquiring pain in childbirth. The Scripture leads us to believe that Adam was standing right there while Eve was being tempted, and he did not speak up or make a stand when she ate of the fruit and shared it with him. Eve directly disobeyed God's command that had been handed down to her through Adam, and Adam did not step up into his role of spiritual head of the relationship and try to correct or protect Eve. We can see the results of this betrayal in our relationships today. The Fall did not change our roles; the Fall resulted in men backing down and women taking things into their own hands. I love the quote from this website from the Jewish commentator Rashi: "If he [Adam] is worthy, [she will be] a help [ezer]. If he is not worthy [she will be] against him [kenegdo] for strife." In our brokenness, not only do we try to do things that we were not created to do, but we also try to fill legitimate needs in illegitimate ways. The Word says that the woman would desire to rule her husband but he would continue to be expected to be the spiritual head of the relationship. (Gen. 3:16) This struggle has lasted throughout history. An insecurity in the heart of women started with Eve and carries on in women's hearts today.
One thing that the Lord has been teaching me in the past year or so is that Satan doesn't just randomly attack us. He is not a prankster. He has a strategy and he has the advantage of not only knowing God since the Beginning, but also knowing humans and their tendencies. He hated Eve because she reflected the beauty of God and for the fact that she was given the ability to produce life. It is said that Lucifer was the most beautiful angel in heaven, and that his downfall was a desire to be worshipped. A human created to reflect the beauty of God would be like a slap in the face. He has been trying to destroy our beauty since that first day that he confronted Eve. Tom Cole points out in this chapter that the hatred of women in the world is illogical and compares it to the hatred of Jews. All throughout history we have been enslaved, abused, murdered, objectified, and at the very least, considered inferior in status or in intelligence. This is not just by happenstance; Satan has deliberately influenced our society to view woman in these ways. One example of how his schemes are designed can be seen the area of pursuit and commitment. The enemy knows that women desire to be pursued and shown faithfulness and loyalty and that these things allow her to trust and fully open up to a man. So we see men who pursue women, but it's often a game (subconsciously or otherwise) and they are seemingly incapable of commitment or fidelity. It is a lie that men cannot help but cheat. But because the lie is so prevalent we adopt it as truth instead of agreeing with the Creator about His Creation. He created men to be faithful and protect the heart of women. This scheme is two-fold in nature, because not only does this mistrust of men affect our ability to be in healthy relationships, it also skews our view of God, and can affect our ability to accept the truth of His heart for us. The insecurity and lack of trust can manifest in many different ways. Some women remain passive and live the life of a victim of whatever abuse they have endured. They are convinced that either they do not deserve better or that they would be worse off alone. Other women take a protective and defensive stance. They become the "maneaters" who are bitter and hateful; emasculating the men around them with their words and they become fiercely independent. They are determined to convince everyone (including themselves) that they don't need men and can do anything that men can do. And sometimes women completely deny their femininity. These women reject their beauty because of they way they have been abused or objectified and feel they can not trust men at all. Sometimes women will choose homosexuality over heterosexual relationships because they desire relationship but cannot trust men with their hearts. All of these emotions can carry over into our view of God and can wreak havoc on our ability to trust His love for us.
The feminist movement had some positive outcome but is also a source of deception. Pursuing equality outside of God's definition and standard has led to legalized abortion, gender confusion and the breakdown of the nuclear family. There is a constant struggle within us as we long for the things that have hurt us because of the fallen state of humanity. We try to live without them but we were meant for them. The enemy wants us to remain in this state of disconnect. The last thing he wants is for us to operate as we were created to operate, individually or as a team. He does not want us to relate to each other as God intended, and he does not want us to raise functional families that are pleasing to the Lord. There is strength and power and beauty in how we were intended to work together and compliment one another. The reflection of the Creator is incomplete without our partnership. The enemy is actively and intentionally destroying the hearts of men and women by whispering lies into their ears. And I, like so many others, have been buying into them.
I had gathered much insecurity unto myself over the years due to rejection and deception. I believed the lies about what the world called beautiful. When the hurtful jabs came at me at different times in my life, I came to believe that I was not beautiful. I compartmentalized inner and outer beauty and resigned myself to having to settle for the "inner beauty" as if that somehow made me incomplete. As I began dealing with the issues raised in this book, I began to realize that though I had some revelation of God's love and acceptance of me, I had no faith in those around me and felt the need to protect myself. I had placed the perceived importance of being married or in a relationship as the measuring stick for my own worth. I walked away from a relationship not long after I graduated from college because I knew that the Lord was not in it. I told the Lord that I never wanted to be distracted from Him in that way again. I didn't want to play the dating game; I wanted Him to bring the right man into my life. But as the years went by, I started to lose hope and hold a grudge against the Lord because I assumed He was calling me to be single. Ultimately I believed that I was not worthy of love or pursuit. I lost hope because my hope and identity were in the wrong place. As the Lord very gently began to reveal to me the true state of my heart, He showed me three things.
- First, He showed me that internally I was holding others to the same superficial worldly definition of beauty that had caused me so much pain. This was an excruciating revelation.
- Second, He showed me that I was holding my singleness against Him. I was assuming that because I wasn't married yet that He was calling me to be single and that was not the desire of my heart. The reality was that He wasn't calling me to be single. He was actually honoring my request to not be distracted in my relationship with Him and asking me to wait on Him. He was not saying "no", he was saying "not yet".
- And third, He showed me that I was protecting myself from rejection by inwardly judging or rejecting others first. Basically I had become somewhat unapproachable because I had this huge back off sign on my forehead in the spiritual realm. I was using what was initially a noble request (to not lose focus on the Lord) as a shield to protect myself from rejection. I was allowing myself to be intimidated by certain types of men and women that reminded me of people who had hurt me in the past. My self-hatred was being projected in my countenance and was affecting how I related to others.
The Lord brought me to these painful revelations because He wants me to change my definition of beauty. He wants me to accept the Truth that how HE see me is truly the only measure of my worth. He loves me way too much to allow me to continue in the mindset that I am unlovable. Through this process He has delivered me from a spirit of rejection; a tool that the enemy was using to hold me back and keep me from walking in the confidence of my true identity in Christ. I am finally beginning to understand what true beauty looks like. He has brought healing to those wounds from the past and has given me new confidence as the King's daughter as described in Psalm 45:9-17. I am one whose beauty is desired by the King and it brings honor Him. One of the transformations I saw in myself during that time may seem small, but I share it as a part of my testimony because it is pretty significant to me. I used to struggle with being photographed. I was very critical and particular about pictures being posted on Facebook and n albums because I just didn't like what I saw. I noticed after several weeks that when viewing photos of myself that I felt very differently about what I was seeing. There was a difference in the countenance of my face and the depth of my smile because of the healing I was experiencing. But the most amazing difference was that I didn't hate what I saw in those pictures anymore. My heart has actually started to come into agreement with the fact that I am beautiful in the sight of the Lord. What He says about me is the only thing that truly matters.
So women of God, I urge you to embrace the Word of the Lord about your femininity.
"Behold you are all fair, my love! Behold you are fair!" Song of Songs 1:15
"You have ravished His heart with one look of your eyes!" Song of Songs 4:9
"The King greatly desires your beauty!" Psalm 45:11
I believe that we need to pray actively and intentionally for revelation and stand in our authority as Believers to take back our identity. We need to pray for the Truth to overcome the deception and the Light to overcome the darkness. Women were created to reflect the beauty of the Lord in all of His mercy, compassion and loving kindness. We were created in God's image, and He makes everything glorious. Rise, Daughters of Zion; be confident in the One who love you without condition and let your beauty shine forth! This is a part of our worship and testimony before the Throne.
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