stress

It's so long since I have written, yet I am having a problem getting started. It seems like the stress of my job has sucked all the creative energy right out of me on most days. It's hard, really, to put into words just how stressful my job really is, and I don't want it to sound like I am complaining. It's strange because, though it is overwhelming, I do enjoy what I am doing, where I am, and whom I am doing it with. I like my boss and my co-workers, I like the company, and most of the customers I work with on a daily basis are great. I am grateful for my job, and truly feel God led me to it. But I wasn't really prepared for how consuming it was going to become.

It was a tough routine to learn, and even at almost 6 months, I definitely don't feel I have mastered it. It took 2 months of training before I was even set free to answer the phones, and still, at least once everyday, I am faced with something totally new. I have had to learn new computer programs, phone scripts, chemical names, codes and containers. I talk with dozens of our company buyers, sales representatives, and warehouse workers a day. Every order I take on the phone is a project in which I must make sure the chemical is correct, on time, priced appropriately, approved by the right people...some chemicals are Drug Enforcement Agency regulated and bound to procedures and paperwork. But at the crux of all the flurry of details and logistics is that if it's done improperly, I could (or we could) put a company out of production for a day, week, whatever and cost them a bundle. This is not good for us or them. So to sum it all up, I am in frenzied/adrenaline rush/edge of my seat mode for an entire 9 hours everyday. Even my breaks and lunch hour are consumed with thoughts of what needs to be done and who needs to be contacted and what deadlines have to met.

Being in this state of mind everyday, five days a week has really taken its toll on me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. The past couple of weeks have been tough for me because I have felt overwhelmed and on the edge, like I couldn't possibley take anymore. I know I serve a God who protects and preserves, and He knows my limits. But the way I have been feeling lately has been scary. My natural reaction to stress is sleep, and I have been going to bed at night by 9:00, often earlier, and taking naps on the weekends. I just took a four hour nap today after a full nights sleep last night! It's amazing what affect the state of the mind can have on the physical body. And it's amazing how being exhausted physcially can keep me from doing the one thing I know can help feel better: spend time with Jesus.

This whole time I have been struggling I have been asking people to pray for me, yet I have not been praying for myself. I haven't been reading about Him, I haven't been singing to Him. I am too tired to go to small group; too depressed to reach out to the community of believers He has given me. It's like the worse it gets the more I withdraw and I don't understand it. I feel like no one will understand what I am going through, so I don't give anyone a chance. I feel like I should be strong enought to handle it on my own, so I don't want to mention it. And I know that this is not what God intended. This is not what Community is all about. It's deception that the enemy has been whipering in my ear, and in my weakened state I have given into it.

A friend of mine shared some Psalms with me today in an email and one of them inparticular struck me. I've read it before, but as Scripture often does, it spoke directly to my current situation.

Psalm 91:1-2
"He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in Him will I trust."

And God says to me in vs 14-15
"Because he hath set his love upon Me, therefore will I deliver him, I will set him on high; because he hath known my name. He shall call upon Me and I will answer him. I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honour him."

I see something very clearly here. First of all, my responsibility is to take refuge in Him; trust Him and love Him. His responsibility looks different. He is going to protect me, raise me up above the circumstances, HE WILL DELIVER ME. My responsibility is of the heart; to seek intimacy. His responsibilty is one of action; to provide deliverance.

And yet I tell myself I need to "handle" my own issues. I need to be strong; don't complain or grieve or show weakness or disappointment.

Actually, I need to run immediately and cower in the shadow of His wing. I need to wave the white flag and retreat. In doing so, I am doing the bravest thing imaginable.

Relinquishing control.