In 45 minutes I will be 31 years old. How can THAT be possible? I should be sleeping right now. 5:40 AM will come tomorrow with all the subtlety of a speeding semi truck...and yet I can't lie down. Not yet.
Mother's Day, 1975, Columbus, Ohio...my parents were celebrating their first child; the one they were told would never be born. The one they waited 7 long years of marriage to see. The one the doctor called a "watermelon" for 9 months because he couldn't believe my mom was actually pregnant...And time kept tickin... Now, 31 years later, I wonder about who I am, where I've been...have I made the most of 31 years? Have I squeezed as much life and love out of 31 years that I possibly can? Do I have regrets? What if's?
More questions...do I look 31? Do I act 31? I feel so immature for being "in my 30's". I have my first real job in "the big city", and yet sometimes I feel like I am playing a part in a play. The same type of feelings that washed over me when I turned 30 threaten to drown me now. I'm not doing what I envisioned myself to be doing at this stage of my life. I don't have what I thought I would have, I'm not in the place where I thought I would be. When I look back at my entry from turning 30, I realize I sound like a broken record. A year sounds like forever, but really it's just a drop in the bucket. Compared to eternity, it's barely the thought of someone dropping something in a bucket... Rob Bell once said that "time only exists between the trees". What he meant was that before the world and the tree of the "knowledge of good and evil" was created, time didn't exist. When that tree is restored in the last day, time will cease to exist again. When I look at it that way I realize that I am really allowing something temporary be the "boss of me". Who says I have to have this or be this or do this by a certain age? The important thing is to be in step with the Creator and destroyer of time. The concept of eternity tells me I have forever to become what I am intended to be, and my time here on earth is only a small part of it. This isn't the whole story, yet merely chapters of the novel. And to really nail it down, are any of these temporary things more important than intimacy with Jesus? Definitely not!
I am human, therefore there are certain things I desire to see take place in my life. We have a need for temporary things as well as eternal. But my prayer is that my priorities stay in line with what Jesus says I need and when I need them. It is only then that I find the underlying peace that comes with knowing that God is truly in control of time.
4 comments:
Happy Birthday, Shawna. Thanks for sharing this...I think we all have these thoughts around our birthdays, especially as the number keeps going up. Enjoy your day!
Happy 31st Birthday SHNEW!
I SUCK! I can't believe that I talked to you on the phone, and didn't even say a word about it! (hangs head in shame)
Thanks for all you do (A laptop?!?!?!? AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!)
Love ya, and we'll have to celebrate when I come out there...
-A
Happy Birthday Beautiful!
I don't know the whys, but I know in inceasing ways that the God of the universe is the God of the details. He has great love and great plans! You are His beloved. He created you in His image. I know those sound like cliches but the knowledge of those things brings peace and healing when I question my identity in light of my accomplishments (or lack thereof).
On the journey...
Happy birthday, my friend! I'm asking myself some of these and similiar questions as I reflect on yet another upcoming birthday. It seems the best and brightest were born in May 1975, it was a good year! I'm trying to find a balance between looking back and looking ahead, between questioning and trusting. And hardest of all, just BEing and enjoying the moment that God gives with each breath.
Onwards and looking upwards!
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