the miracle of the missing mini-notebook...

I love being able to share this testimony to the power of God.

A couple of weeks ago on a Friday morning, I consciously made the decision to leave my mini-notebook computer in my room. Normally I take it everywhere I go. But on this day, I knew that the schedule was intense and I would not even have a moment to open it. So I left it lying on my bed, where I had been using it to listen to the prayer room while getting ready for class.

When I returned home around 10:30 pm, I began clearing things off of my bed so I could go to sleep. I realized that the computer was not sitting there and began looking for it. It was no where to be found, though the cord and the slipcover were still sitting there. I went downstairs, walked through the house looking around, and then asked Amy if she had seen it. It was not downstairs either. I went back to my room and looked again. It was definitely gone.

For the previous couple weeks Amy and Stan had been having the house painted; mostly outside, but the deal also included the inside foyer. That day Amy had paid them and they had packed everything up, even though they were supposed to return on Saturday for some touch up work. We quickly realized that one of the painters must have taken it, and since there was only 1 in the house that day, we knew which one.

Amy stopped payment on her check and Stan started calling and texting the two men who had been working on the house. To protect the "not-so-innocent", we will name our painters Bert and Ernie. Bert was hired for the job, and he asked his brother-in-law, Ernie, to help him out.

On that fateful Friday, Bert had been painting the foyer and hallway in front of the bedrooms. Amy gave Bert the check, and he and Ernie cleaned up all of the equipment and left. They deposited Amy's check into Ernie's bank, and Ernie went ahead and gave Bert his half, even though the check hadn't actually cleared. Ernie was the only one who returned Stan's messages, and it was quickly obvious that he knew nothing about it. He was upset that the check would not go through, especially since he had basically just paid Bert out of his own pocket. Stan told him that unless the computer was returned he would not issue a new check. So Ernie started working on my behalf to secure the computer, even though Bert hadn't even admitted taking it yet. I started praying and left it in the Lord's hands.

Monday was my day off, so I took the time to speak to a police officer and make a report of the theft. He agreed that we should continue to pursue Ernie since he was trying to be helpful and he would call him as well to encourage him to talk to Bert on my behalf. Ernie finally got a confession out of Bert when he told him that the laptop was only worth maybe $350 brand new, maybe $100 if he pawned it. He said "It' only worth $350??" and Ernie had his proof. Ernie offered to go and pick up the computer and bring it to me, because Bert had also confessed to having open warrants out for his arrest already. By 6:00 Monday evening, 3 days after the theft, Ernie was back on our doorstep with the computer in hand.

But wait! There's more!!

When I opened the computer to make sure that it was ok, there was a strange password screen on it. My password didn't work. I didn't panic because Stan is an IT Guru, and I figured he could fix it for me. So I handed Ernie the new check and thanked him for his help. A few minutes later Stan came to take a look at it, and he said that a "bios password" (I'm not sure of spelling, nor definition!) had been intentionally placed on the hard drive to keep me out of it. We had to get that information from Bert to get it open. Stan contacted Ernie and said that if he didn't get the password that he was going to cancel the second check.

When Ernie called Bert, Bert denied ever even opening the computer. There was no way, however, that it happened any other way. This is where the other half of the miracle comes into play. Ernie asked someone in their relational sphere and they happened to know that Bert used a particular password on several online accounts. Ernie let us know what it was, and it was exactly the right password! Seriously, this all happened in about 20 minutes time after I got the computer back. Basically, Bert had put the password on the computer to be hateful. Bert probably would have never given it up! It was by the Sovereign hand of God that we got the right password on the first try. I opened the computer and everything else was intact.

In my thank you note to Ernie, I let him know that I was a missionary in town for training and that the computer had been a gift to aid me in ministry. I looked up the definition of his name, and in Hebrew it means Faithful and Bold, so I shared that with him and that I believed God used him to bring justice to my circumstance. I let him know how much it meant to me that he had the courage and boldness to retrieve the computer, to look me in the eye and to apologize for something he hadn't even done. I had the opportunity speak life and encouragement into this man that I didn't even know. Stan also agreed to not pro-rate the check and allow Ernie to finish the job. Ernie was shown a measure of mercy from Stan, myself, and the police officer that is supernatural and can only happen through the grace of God.

I give God the glory for orchestrating this entire event. He heard my cry for Him to make the wrong things right, and He gave me the opportunity to testify to the goodness of His Name in the process.

where is the time going?

It's the middle of May. That means I have like 5 weeks left in Track 2. Where has the time gone?

Track 2 has been a whirlwind. The schedule has been even more intense than Track 1, but it feels completely different. Somehow I feel busier and more relaxed at the same time. It was rough to deal with the changes in our core teams and leadership, but we continue to be a family.

The past 10 days we have been honored to have a Bible Teacher from England with us. His name is David Pawson and has written more than 30 books, including a commentary called "Unlocking the Bible". I highly recommend checking him out in the archives. He is quite possibly one of the best and most clear Bible teachers I have ever heard. He did 26 messages while he was here, including 14 talks on the Uniqueness of Jesus Christ and the Glory of HisStory, as well as several messages of the End Times. Leadership completely rearranged our schedule so we would have the opportunity to attend as many of the seminars as possible and it was amazing. It helps that he is an adorable old British gentlemen that is so fun to listen to!

We have been serving in the Prophecy and Healing Rooms on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It has been an incredible blessing. I was scared to death initially and have realized in the past several weeks that God as done a mighty work in my heart and mind. I am so honored to be able to pour the encouragement, edification, and exhortation of God's heart into people's lives (I Cor. 14:3). I have been so touched as I have seen the light come on in their eyes as they realize that the Creator of the Universe has something precious to say about them. I am also serving on Tuesday nights as an assistant leader in the Pure Heart (inner healing) ministry on Tuesday nights with the current Track 1 group. The program had so much impact on me and I love now being able to see others find freedom. I have graduated from a yellow vest to a blue vest in the weekend services, which means we take turns now as the ministry team instead of ushering. We are also taking turns serving at Hope City, the inner city prayer room, as ministry teams and serving food. It is all such a privilege.

During all this time I have been going before the Lord and asking Him to clarify my next steps as I am preparing to move to Michigan. He has been so gracious to hear my questions and my desires. I had one of the best birthdays I have ever had, starting the morning with a birthday gift of revelation from God on some of the questions on my heart. He continues to speak to me through teaching, "random" conversations, homework assignments, and prayers. I am looking forward to what the Lord has in store for me and will live each day in expectancy.

a day in the life of an intern...

When I signed up for this internship I only had a skeleton of an outline, a whisper of what we were actually going to be doing here. I just knew that God was drawing; me to this place that He was giving me the desire to shed as much of "the world" as possible. I was hungering for simplicity and a deep encounter. I didn't feel like I could truly hear the Lord through the fog of my job, my activities, my busyness... I felt the need to shed it all and didn't have the discipline to do it. When people would ask me what I would be doing, it as hard to describe anything since I didn't truly know. I knew that there would be time in the prayer room and time in class. I used words like "sabbatical" and "fasted lifestyle" but I didn't really have language for what I was stepping into. I felt very strongly that it would be a place of preparation for the next step, which is missions.

So here was my schedule in Track 1:

Sunday

10:30-1:30 - Work with 4-5 year-olds in the Children's Equipping Center

2:00-6:00 - Prayer Room

Monday

Sabbath - off except for staff meetings the 4th Monday of each month

Tuesday

8:45-9:30 - Worship/ministry time as a group

9:45-11:45 - Core Teaching (Subjects like "Tools for the Prayer Room", The Gifts of the Holy Spirit, Forgiveness, Adoption, Sermon of the Mount Lifestyle, Fasting, etc.)

1:00-5:00 - Prayer Room

6:30-9:30 - Pure Heart (Inner healing and restoration through the Holy Spirit)

Wednesday

8:45-9:30 - Worship

9:45-11:45 - Core Teaching

1:00-5:00 - Prayer Room (Team 4 ushers 3-5)

6:00-8:30 - Life Group (small group meetings)

Thursday

8:45-9:30 - Worship

9:45-11:45 - Core Teaching

1:00-4:00 - Prayer Room

4:00-5:30 - Team 4 Briefing

9:00-10:00 - Prayer for Detroit at the Prayer Room (optional)

Friday

8:45-9:30 - Worship

9:45-11:45 - Revelation teaching

1:00-4:00 - Justice Prayer Room (training on Apostolic Prayers and prayer leading on the mic)

6:00-10:00 - Encountering God Service (Worship, Ministry, Preaching)

Saturday

Noon-5:00 - Prayer Room

6:00-10:00 - Forerunner Christian Fellowship Church Service(Team 4 ushering every 3rd week)

Some will look at this schedule and laugh out loud at the sheer lunacy. Some will look at it and love the idea of that much time in the before the Lord. I admit, looking at the schedule in the beginning I did not know how I was going to do it all. All I knew is that I needed to jump in with both feet and fully give myself over to everything He had for me. I am so glad that I did. I wake up in the morning with worship songs on my lips and in my heart. Instead of 4 hours of TV a day I might see 4 hours in a week. I have given up secular music and secular radio. I seriously the other day forgot the name of an artist I used to love when I heard his song at the bowling alley. It took me 24 hours to remember his name. I have found so much freedom and have made so much more room for Jesus in my life. And it is God who wooed me and then gave me the grace to do it. The fog has lifted and I can hear His voice, see His Spirit move so much more clearly than before. He has also opened my eyes to the schemes of the Enemy. It has never been a matter of what is permissible for me, but what is beneficial. What am I willing to let go of to be able to walk in deeper communion with my Beloved? What voices need to be silenced in my life so I can be free to think on the things that move His heart? When I turned away from the things that I used to entertain and amuse myself I realized that the pleasures of God are far superior to what I was settling for on a daily basis. I also realized that I was being influenced negatively in my thoughts and beliefs because the voices of the world that I was listening to were severely contrary to the Truth. And there lies the entire point. It is the will of the enemy to cloud our minds with so much garbage that we live in a state of fog and delusion, unable to walk in the power of the Holy Spirit that is intended for those who bear His Image. We keep justifying and reasoning in our search for freedom from legalism and religious bondage and work ourselves right into another prison. The other ditch, as Pastor Steve would call it. I am learning that there is so much that I have been missing, and so much that He wants to say to me. In this state of voluntary weakness and fasting the things that are permissible but not beneficial, I am being qualified and brought into my true identity and purpose in Christ. I honestly do not recognize myself in the mirror any longer. And it's to God I give the glory, for setting me on the path, giving me the grace to do it, and then rewarding me with His presence.

And now, in Track 2, I will be able to see how He is going to move me in these things that I have been learning. I have been hidden in the cleft of the rock while He passes His glory by me. It is a privilege that I do not take lightly.

life siege

I am blessed by the kindness of God; that He will reveal truth to our heart in the attempt to draw us into agreement with Him, and that by agreeing with Him we are drawn into a deeper intimacy with His Son. He calls us to obey Him, gives us the grace to do so, and then rewards us for doing it. What kind of system is that? In His mercy and perfect sovereignty He has made a way for us to come into His presence and to put on the righteousness of His Son, Jesus. When He moves us in conviction it is a gift, an invitation to grow closer to Him. He corrects those whom He loves (Hebrews 12:5-6).

I am also amazed at how easily we can go astray, how often we can slip into deception. The darkness in this world is not just a result of the Fall. It is crafted and designed by the Enemy who detests us; the one who hates all those who are Image-bearers. The evil things in the world are not just part of the equation, they are schemes to keep us from entering into the New Jerusalem, to keep us from knowing and operating in our true Identity in Christ. God has chosen to partner with man and the last thing that Satan wants to see happen is a successful union between us and His Son as a pure and spotless Bride. So for those of us who are living in a relationship with Christ and working against committing visible sin, the scheme of the enemy has to be much more subtle. Our true history with God is found in our thought life.

One of the first things that God put His finger on in my life when I got to KC was the issue of abortion. I have never believed that abortion was acceptable. I believe that life begins at conception and only God has the right to make the decision on whether a fetus is viable or not. (Deut. 30:19, Psalm 139:13-16, Jeremiah 1:5) I was, however, guilty of apathy towards the fact that it was legal and there was nothing we could do about it. In that line of thought I also began to believe that possibly in some cases like rape or incest that it would be acceptable. It was hard for me to imagine the pain of going through a pregnancy and bringing a child into the world that only reminds you of the tragedy you suffered. The child would be unwanted and possibly even suffer neglect. I want to share with you what changed my mind.

Sometime in the first couple weeks of class I was listening to the Prophetic History of IHOP. It is a series of messages by Mike Bickle that share how the Lord moved him to start this ministry and how the Lord has moved over the years to bring us to this point. As I was sitting on my bed listening to the MP3 and taking notes, Mike made a comment on the issue of legalized abortion that completely rocked my world. I curled into the fetal position, shaking and crying uncontrollably and I repented before the Lord.

Bob Jones is a Prophet that the Lord brought into Mike Bickle's life to help direct him in the way he should go in starting this 24/7 prayer movement. In August 1975, 2 years after Roe v. Wade, Bob received a word from the Lord to prophesy against abortion. Soon after, he was visited by a demon who told him that if he spoke out against abortion that he would kill him. Bob spoke out against abortion the next day and started hemorrhaging internally and almost died. I am really shortening the story, but this is just the background. Mike then spoke about abortion being an assignment of the enemy to kill the end-time messengers; the forerunners who will prepare the way for the Lord's return in the last days. Satan put it into Pharoah's heart to kill the first born sons of Israel to try and snuff out the God's promised deliverer, Moses. He also put it in Herod's heart to kill the male infants after he heard of Jesus' birth from the wise men, in an attempt to kill the rightful King of the Jews and Messiah. The enemy knows that the Lord is raising up a John the Baptist Generation, who will rise up from the wilderness and usher in the return of the Messiah. Abortion is not just another bad thing that we have come up with that contrary to God's heart. It is a blatant scheme of Satan to root out God's forerunner messengers, and in this day and age, aimed very specifically at the Black Community because of their destiny to bring forth worship and song in the end time generation. (Kushites mentioned in Isaiah 18:7). The truth of this revelation has moved me to draw that line in the sand. It has snapped me out of my delusion and apathy. Legalized abortion must end. We must take it seriously and we must dedicate time to pray against it politically and for God to move on the hearts of women. I no longer believe that it is acceptable in any case. I trust that the Lord of Creation can take the obedience of one's heart and heal not only the wound from the tragedy that has befallen them but also protect the life He has created. Trying to erase one tragedy or even one mistake with another one only heaps more tragedy on our head.

This is a controversial and hard issue to take a stand on. The enemy's roots run deep in the heart of man. The deception on conception is strong. But let me leave you with a few thoughts:

• Legalizing abortion did not decrease the death rate of women dying in the procedure.


• Less than 1% of abortions are done for rape or incest victims.


• Planned Parenthood was started by Margaret Sanger, and launched into black and minority communities with a Black Genocide intention.


• Our carelessness and the 4000 babies who are aborted everyday is actually decreasing the population, mostly in the African American community. 35% of abortions are done on black women and they only make up about 12% of the population. In the past 20 years, the Latino population in the US has gone from 10% to 15%. The black population has actually decreased to 11%.

Children bring prosperity and blessing and bolster the economy and increase ingenuity. God blessed the people of his covenant with descendants. The social and economic problems that we have cannot be solved with murder and are in fact only made worse. It is true that if we would save 4000 babies a day we would have a surplus of unwanted children that would fall into a broken foster care system. It is my conviction that the Church needs to step up not only in prayer, but also in fostering and adoption. God has given His Church the mandate to care for the orphaned and unfortunate ones (James 1:27). If we were all doing our part, the problems would be lessened, and God's would be glorified in the process. The truth is that the Word of the Lord will prevail. It will run swiftly. The Church will come into agreement with His heart and we will win.

On a Saturday afternoon in February over 100 people from the IHOP community went to a local Planned Parenthood location and stood on the sidewalk and prayed. We did not speak or picket, but covered our mouths with red duct tape, stood shoulder to shoulder, and prayed for a solid hour for the ending of abortion. It's called a Life Siege. It was the first time I had ever taken any kind of physical stand on the issue before. A friend who rode with me to and from the prayer meeting said it best. She said "I feel like I have driven a stake in the ground today." I have driven a stake in the ground; marked the place where I have come into agreement with the heart of God for His children and started to take action on behalf of those who do not have a voice.

a peek into the journal...

This is my journal entry from January 23rd. While sitting in the prayer room, we were praying:

Song of Solomon 1:2-3

"Let Him kiss me with the kisses of His mouth, for His kisses are better than wine. Because the fragrance of Your perfume is lovely, Your name is like the perfume that is poured out and this is why Your people love you."

and singing:

"You bring restoration to my soul. You've taken my pain and you call me by a new name, You've taken my shame, and in its place you give me joy. You give me joy!"

"You take my mourning and turn it into dancing. You take my weeping and turn it in to laughing. You take my mourning and turn it into dancing. You take my sadness and turn it into joy. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! You make all things new!"

And then the Lord spoke to me and said:

"It may be Winter here now, but this is a time of Spring for your heart. I am going to speak things into your life; whisper things into your ear that are going to be with you until the end of the age. I will take your weeping and turn it into joy. This season is for you, beloved, to know Me like you have have never known before. Everything that I have been pouring into your heart and life for the past 35 years were for this purpose; that you would know the sound of My voice when you hear it and that you would know to come to this place. This is what I have for you, this is the beginning of the rest of your journey with Me. I will bring restoration to everything that you thought was lost, all things that are damaged will be made new. You are the apple of My eye and the love of My heart. I am Good, you do not need to fear me or the future I have for you. I have prepared you for such a time as this. Seek Me out and you will find me, in every place you look. I will give you the sight that you have asked Me for and I will send you to speak into the lives of many. Keep pressing into Me and I will place My heart in yours. You will be like a well watered garden that I can come and rest in."

Since that day God has been revealing more and more of His heart while digging deeper and deeper into mine. He has brought up things from my past and shown me specifically where He marked me as a Forerunner and how these things that He has placed in my path were for this end. He has also been faithful to gently point out the things that are standing in the way of me becoming all that He has created me to be. In these things He gives me hope that He can remove all that hinders love. He has assured me that He is preparing in me a message and that He is entrusting me with His heart for the world. I am undone by the glory of the Lord and the kindness of His heart towards me. Blessed be the Name of the Lord Most High. He is an all consuming fire.

IHOP-KC Internships

healing

A few months before I left for Kansas City, I started having pretty intense headaches every day. While I am used to tension headaches in the back of my head and neck/shoulders, these headaches were more in my face and jaw. So while I still had insurance, I decided to see the eye doctor and get a check up in case I needed new glasses. I also made an appointment with the dentist for the first time in like 18 years. (I know, it sounds totally gross and irresponsible, but I had some bad experiences with dentists as an adolescent and I have spent most of my adult life without insurance.) So I got new glasses first, but the headaches continued, so I went to the dentist. Fortunately I only had one cavity and the dentist was shocked at how healthy my mouth and teeth were. Thank the Lord for good genes! I was worried that something was wrong with my wisdom teeth, because I had never had them removed. But I did mention the headaches to the dentist, and she said that she would guess that it was due to sensitivity. My roots were exposed because my gums were recessed in some areas due to brushing too hard. She said it would bring sensitivity to temperature and sweets. This she says to the girl who has to have ice cold drinks, chews on ice, and has a major sweet tooth!

This revelation led me to do some experiments with different things to see if they brought on the pain and headaches, and it seemed to be true. So I bought some Sensydine toothpaste and tried to watch the temperature of my drinks. It didn't make too much difference. Something as simple as breathing in cold air outside caused me pain, so there was not a lot I could do to keep the headaches from happening.

I spend a lot of time in the prayer room and in worship services that are as loud as being at a rock concert. 32 hours a week to be exact. These headaches brought on by cold air or cold water, or sugar or whatever were only intensified in these worship settings. It was like my teeth were sensitive to the sound too. There were seriously certain guitar strummings and noises that set my teeth on edge like nails on a blackboard. You can imagine what this did for my focus. I started wearing ear plugs in these services, which a lot of people in this community do, for protection of my ears and to keep the noise from intensifying these headaches. The ear plugs, while helpful and a good idea for people who are consistently exposed to these decibels, made me feel even more disconnected with what was going on around me. I could still hear everything but in a muffled way that made it possible for me to totally disengage with what was going on and just read or study. Needless to say I was getting very frustrated. I knew in my heart that this was not God's will for me to come all this way to focus on Him and then not be able to focus on Him!

We spend a lot of time everyday praying for the healing of the sickness in our bodies. I sometimes struggle with asking for healing because I have the "there is always someone worse off than me" syndrome. But I have seen more people healed in the short times I have been at IHOP than I have ever seen in my whole life so I KNOW that Jesus is healing. One morning during the worship and ministry time before class, the leadership asked for anyone who needed healing in their bodies to raise their hands. I was finally done with struggling, so I raised my hands. This was the first week of February. One of my fellow interns came to pray for me. When I opened my eyes, I knew who it was and it was significant who God brought to pray with me. (I will share more about that in a minute.) So she asked me what I was praying for and I said that I have sensitive teeth that cause headaches. She asked if it hurt to even breath in through my mouth and I said yes. She prayed over me for healing for several minutes, and I felt the Lord telling me that he was going to heal me. I felt a peace. When she was finished praying for me, I looked at her and told her why God had led her to pray with me...

One morning early in the internship I had sat next to this same girl, Kelli, during class. During prayer time, we broke into to small groups to pray for a specific thing. About 5 of us sitting there together stood up in a circle and held hands to pray. While we were praying I felt my right hand get really hot as I was holding Kelli's hand. It was just my right hand so I knew it was significant. I heard the Lord telling me that there was healing in her hands. After we sat down and I thought about how I was going to tell her about it, the Lord even told me that she was going to say that her hands were always cold. I wanted so much to share this word of encouragement with her. But I didn't even know her! I was so afraid that I was hearing wrong or that she wouldn't receive the word that I completely chickened out and didn't tell her.

So now, here we are 2-3 weeks later and she is standing in front of me praying for MY healing. The unmistakable Sovereignty of God was staring me right in the face. So I told her what I had heard from the Lord about her and the gift of healing that was in her hands, and it was a very moving moment and a huge source of encouragement for her. I even told her "Your hands are usually always cold, aren't they?" and she said yes. I told her that the Lord had revealed that to me too. It was confirmation of her faithfulness to believe in praying for healing, and confirmation for me that I can hear the word of the Lord and that it will be received. Kelli told me that she wanted to pray for me again the next morning and I told her that would be awesome. Since I didn't have a headache right then it was not evident if the healing had taken place yet.

So I felt better that day in the prayer room, and didn't have a headache, but still noticed sensitivity and occasional pain. So Kelli prayed for me the next morning, and after she prayed she told me a story about someone else's testimony that God healed a women's sensitivity. She said that the problem with her was that her gums had receded and God grew her gums back. I laughed out loud because I had not told Kelli that this was the reason my teeth were sensitive. At that point we were both convinced that God was moving! She encouraged me to praise God with my mouth every time I brushed my teeth and just ask Him to fill my mouth with His praises and His words. I found this to be such a blessing and actually remembered to do it every time. When I shared with Kelli a couple of times about my progress she told me that ever since I had shared with her about the heat in her hands, she had noticed that her hands had been warm more often than cold.

I received more prayer about it later in the week, and God actually removed pain while I was standing in His presence and had people laying hands on me. From that night on, for about 3 weeks now, I have not had any pain at all due to sensitivity or tension, and have not had a single headache in the prayer room or evening services! If that is not enough, I fully believe that God is growing my gums back into a healthy place, because I can see a difference in them. PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW! He has defeated the Enemy who would have me distracted and incapable of hearing the Lord speak into my life! Lord, you are good and your mercies endureth forever. I am looking forward to testifying of the healing power of Jehovah Rapha, our Healer God, to my dentist when I go in for a check-up in a few months!

snow, study, snow, study....fasting?

We have had 2 snow days this week with the onslaught of between 8 and 10 inches of the wicked white stuff. Since Monday was our day off (Sabbath) that means we haven't met together for three days now. I miss my schedule and my fellow interns! I have been spending most of the time studying and working on assignments...I think I am about 2 weeks ahead of schedule now (lol). I feel blessed however, to be in a house full of people! It would have been a very lonely 3 days without my family! I am also blessed because I can tune into the Prayer Room anytime I want on the website IHOP.ORG. I highly recommend it because it provides an amazing backdrop to quiet time with the Lord and reading the Word.

The book I just finished reading is called The Rewards of Fasting by Mike Bickle and Dana Candler. This book has challenged me deeply. One of the things that drew me here in the first place was the emphasis on living a fasted lifestyle before the Lord. Hunger - spiritual, emotional, physical - is an escort to deeper things with Jesus. My views of a fasted lifestyle included trying to break free of consumerism, media addiction, and skipping a few meals in pursuit of intimacy with my Creator. While that is a good start, I have discovered that it is much more than this.

Bickle and Candler lay out what it means to live a fasted lifestyle based on the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew chapter 5.

"What is this lifestyle? Jesus defined it as embracing godly attitudes (Matt. 5), as we give ourselves to prayer and the Word of God, with fasting, giving, and serving others Matt. 6)....What does this lifestyle look like in our day to day existence, and just how do we walk in voluntary weakness so that God's power my be perfected in our lives? There are five types of 'fasting' described in the Sermon on the Mount We fast food, time, energy, money and words (Matt. 6:1-18) ....By giving, we fast our money and financial strength. In serving and prayer, we are fasting our time and energy. Blessing our enemies requires that we fast our words and reputation. In giving up food, we are fasting our physical and emotional strength."

This is only a very brief synopsis of the heart of this message. There is more to chew on than I can possibly blog. But I can share some of things that are on my heart after having finished reading the book today. First of all, this is completely contradictory to our society. "Going without" is not a phrase most Americans are familiar with at all. And before I get too self-righteous about being a Christian (in the world but not OF the world, right?) I have to place myself in the same category as everyone else. Comfort is king. Food is a god. Media is is paramount. All of these things while being good gifts from a good Father, have been placed on a much higher shelf than they should be.

And let's talk about food for a minute...it's all we think about. During church we are trying to decide where we're going to lunch. At work we are trying to decide what new or favorite restaurants we are going to go to over the weekend. We need chocolate to get through a stressful day at work, alcohol to shake off a bad week, comfort food while we grieve, party food while we celebrate....the whole concept of live to eat vs. eat to live has really hit home in this moment. Fasting food is a Biblical principle that most of us choose to ignore or have never been taught to adhere to...the thought of denying ourselves anything is foreign to us. Let's be honest, the thought of giving up food a couple of days a week makes us angry! The tragic thing is that we are missing a key component to intimacy with Jesus and the empowerment of the Holy Spirit in our lives. In our weakness He is made strong in our lives, but we don't really want to test that theory, not for real. I am preaching to myself here!

Media and entertainment has lured us into a virtually comatose state. I always have music or TV on somewhere. How can I hear the Lord over all that? I give to financially my church and to great causes, but do I ever really give until it hurts? A woman in the inner city testified last week that she had $10 in her pocket and $750 in bills due that week. She was at church and met someone going to a mission field of some sort. She felt the Lord nudging her to give the last $10 she had to this person. With a prayer, she obeyed. The following morning someone in her church handed her a check for $750 and said that the Lord had told them that she needed it. THAT is the kind of miracle and blessing we are missing out on when we don't live a fasted lifestyle before the Lord, sacrificing what we have for the glory of His Kingdom. And let's not even talk right now about "fasting our words and reputation" which means not saying anything negative about our "enemies" and not defending or promoting ourselves. The Lord wants to reveal Himself and the mysteries and secrets of His heart to His children, but we aren't listening. We're too busy self-medicating with all of these things to hear His voice.

All that being said, this cannot be entered into in a religious or legalistic manner. Living a fasted lifestyle before the Lord is not a formula for self-righteousness or blessing. It needs to be entered into with a heart of lovesickness for more of Jesus, our Bridegroom. Our only motivation should be to see Him more clearly and to love Him more dearly. Just because I read this book and have been made aware of some things in my life that need some adjustment, doesn't mean that I know how to do this. It will only be by the grace and mercy of God that I can make the changes necessary to place myself at His feet like Mary of Bethany.

(If some of this sounded harsh, I apologize. Trust me, the harshness was me kicking myself. It is not indicative of how the Lord is dealing with me. He has shown nothing but loving kindness to me in my shortcomings.)

And so I pray, Lord, I will not be content until my heart is burning with revelation so that I may live differently.

revelation

We open every morning with worship and prayer before our core teaching session begins. First of all, this is not your typical singing worship songs and prayer. This is prophetic worship and ministry time. People get words of prophecy, healing and deliverance every time we go before the Lord in worship. This is the best part of the day.

Yesterday morning we were singing and praying and one of the directors had a word from the Lord about a woman in the internship who had a specific calling, she had dedicated her life to ministry at about the age of 13-14 at church camp...um yeah, that was me. I raised my hand and people sitting around me came to pray for me, and the director prayed over me. Two women praying over me heard from the Lord that there was a spirit of rejection on me. I agreed and we prayed through that and I was delivered from that bondage. It was the most amazing feeling of relief. The director had been praying over me as well, encouraging me that I had not missed it, that I had been faithful and God was still preparing me to fulfill that destiny.

After the core teaching time, we were asked to fill out some paperwork for a program calling Pure Heart. It is an inner healing and purity covenant course we will be starting in February. On the form there was a checklist of things we were to mark if we were (or ever had been) struggling with them. One of the issues was suicidal thoughts. I had struggled for a short time with suicidal thoughts when I was freshman in high school. It hit me that it was August before my freshman year that I was at campmeeting and consecrated my future to God and felt the call to missions, and it was that first semester in high school that I was struggling with depression and dealing with suicidal thoughts until about Christmas time. The enemy had an assignment against my life! I had never made this connection before that I can remember. God had specific plans for my life and the enemy was trying to destroy them.

This means several things to me. It first of all means that God delivered me out of this trap. Through a faithful friend who reached out for help for me by contacting my youth pastor, and through the ministry of the Holy Spirit directly to my heart, the Lord looked out for me and did not allow me to be overcome.

Next it means that I was not only worth fighting against, I was worth fighting for. The enemy felt that I was significant enough to bother trying to trap. But more importantly, this thing that God has called me to is important enough for Him to bring to completion. I have been hearing a lot from Him while I have been here about my worth, my place in the Kingdom, the importance of fulfilling my destiny in Christ...and going back to this place of discovery when I was only 14 years old has allowed me to see that I haven't missed it. He knitted me together in my mother's womb and has been molding me and shaping me to be a Forerunner ever since. This is the place where it all starts to come together, where I find the boldness and freedom and intimacy that I need to walk out my destiny in Jesus Christ. I am in awe because I am not worthy in my own rite, but only because of the blood of the Lamb. I am honored to have a part to play in His Kingdom. And I am grateful to have another insight into how He has been working all things together for my good.

week one: it's new day, it's a new dawn, and I'm feelin'...good...

I want to chronicle my time in Kansas City so badly but I don't even know where to begin or how to process everthing that's already happened.... I haven't even been here a full week yet, but I was packing this time last Sunday. I had to say a LOT of goodbyes. All of my previous missionary training came in handy in that respect; I learned the importance of saying good-bye and taking the time to do it right. Leaving, even if its only for a little while, is hard enough to process without having unfinished business left behind. Little things have a tendency to blow up into major things in a new "culture" or setting. It was important to me to make sure that my friends and family knew how much I loved and appreciated them before I left. God has used so many people in my life to help shape me and make me who I am today. He used His faithful to speak into my life and help me overcome the obstacles along the way. For that I am grateful. I have an amazing support system at home and it is by Divine design.

I left Monday January 10 for Lee's Summit, Missouri. I drove about 8 hours before I hit the snow storm that was moving my direction. I stopped outside St Louis for the night to avoid the snow. About five inches fell that night while I was sleeping. When I got back on to I70 the roads had been cleared, but there were cars and trucks abandoned in the ditches and medians pretty much the entire way to Kansas City. Thank the Lord for his protection and for His Spirit who guided me to stop for the night.

Tuesday I made it to my cousin's home round 1:30 PM. Amy and her husband Stan live near KC in Lee's Summit. I have found that it is literally 12-15 minutes from everywhere I need to be. I am so thankful for their willingness to adopt me into their home and family. It is so nice to be with extended family since I am so far from home. I have been having fun getting to know her children TJ, Joella, and Garrett, and even their pets, Cash, Fanny and Pancake. Amy and I were able to spend a couple of days together shopping and running errands and having lunch together before the Internship officially started on Friday 1/14.

The internship...I have never in my life been so overwhelmed by the presence of God. The clarity of Him drawing me to this place is staggering. I am so full up right now with praise and adoration for the work of His hand that I can hardly bear it. In three short days I have already learned so much about my identity in Christ...all I want is more. More of Him, more of His Word, more of His presence and power in my life...THIS is what I was created for. Everything this world has to offer pales in comparison to true intimacy with Him. I have only yet had a taste of what He wants to do in my life when I look at how He worked to bring me here. I can not wait to see what I will look like in 12 weeks. And speaking of 12 weeks, there is a track 2 in this internship that is another 12 weeks. I am already praying that God will make it possible for me to stay the full 6 months. I have no doubt that if it's His will that He will make it happen. The financial miracles I have seen and have been hearing about from my fellow interns have been astounding.

This is just the tip of the iceberg...I promise to post more later as I process through the things I have been hearing from the Lord and as we dive in on Tuesday into our full schedule.