This weekend holds a very important event; a reunion for camp workers who worked at Mt of Praise camp with Cheryl B. and Janette P. Over the course of about 16 years these two amazing women ran the children's ministry at this 10 day family camp. And if that's not a big enough job, they decided to have a group of 25-30 teenagers and young adults work with them. At times it was like babysitting for two different, and yet very similar, groups of kids. But to the two of them, it was all ministry. They were (and continue to be) vessels through which God changed the hearts and lives of children and young people alike. Not only were we taught how to minister to the children, we were also ministered to; and loved unconditionally by Cheryl and Janette. We were all "their kids" and they smacked us around when we needed it, and fought for our honor when we needed it. Friendships were built during those hot August days that would last a lifetime, and even this weekend after all these years, people are coming from miles around and across state lines to reminisce about the old days and fellowship together.
Camp was one of the most influential tools God used in my life to shape me into who I am today. These women were a part of that. I learned so much about Kingdom work, about myself, about the gifts God has given me...and the friendships! I am in awe of the people God placed in my life, and how connected my heart is to them. The laughter and the tears and the hard work built a bond between us, and the memories are sweet. Even now as our daily lives draw us apart, sharing one story from that time in our lives can bridge the gap and make it seem like we are still in that basement, surrounded by music and decorations, kids ministering to kids...it's the greatest feeling.
I am looking forward to seeing everyone this weekend. Hopefully it will become an annual tradition and grow as we connect with more and more faces and names from the past. I feel blessed to have had such a life altering experience.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
potpourri
Ok, YES John Massie John Massie! It HAS been forever! I will update now, I promise!
Fun and exciting times in my world these days! Ready for the Reader’s Digest version? I can’t really promise this will be short, but everyone knows I am long-winded…
First, on the Job Front: Work is going very well at Ashland. I finished my training and started taking phone orders in May (nice little pay raise included!) and time flies now with the business of processing these orders. The customer service department is really more logistical than call center as far as environment. When I take an order over the phone, I have to follow it and track it’s progress until it reaches the customer. If it isn’t in stock, I have to find stock. If it’s in a different warehouse I have to get permission to take it from that warehouse and send it on a carrier. If the price is in question I have to work with the Sales Rep. for that customer to get it straightened out. The stress comes from knowing that if we screw up an order and it doesn’t deliver on time or correctly, we could shut down a business for a day or even more, not to mention lose a customer’s patronage. So instead of taking a million calls, I take fewer calls that are projects that take days, weeks, or sometimes even months to complete. I am a detail oriented person, and I enjoy organization and problem solving. I have just never done it on this grand of a scale before! I enjoy the people and I am happy here.
Second, on the HOME Front: I GOT MY OWN PLACE!! I will have to provide some pictures once I can get someone with a digital camera in there! I love it. It’s a very comfortable 2 bedroom, it brings me about 10 minutes closer to work, and we have a pool! It’s a nice area, and I love having my own space. It’s been five years since I lived on my own, and it’s nice all of my things out of storage and in the one place! I had to pack up things from three different locations to move, and that a bit of a logistical nightmare. But thanks to AMAZING friends I was able to do it all in one weekend. God has provided so much for me, and I feel very peaceful about where I am. God has sent me money for moving, groceries, free furniture, even a beautiful mattress set…all through His faithful followers. I have been so blessed to see how it has come together. I have been in my place one month and I am LOVING it. It was like Christmas opening all those boxes that had been in storage for years...
Third, on the FAMILY front: This past weekend the family got together in my parents’ home to say goodbye to my brother and his wife. They are embarking on a journey to SRI LANKA with an organization called SAWSO . They will be working in several different facets of Tsunami relief aid, including construction of homes, community health, education/awareness of human trafficking, and job skills. They have committed to a year, however, we all believe this will open up more doors for them. They are both enablers; they want to see health and wholeness, physically and spiritually, being maintained by nationals. I can see them in project related work all over the world, and know that their hearts have been transformed by God to see the world through His eyes. Hearts such as that are not content to stay home, but need to venture out. Goodbyes are hard. But my heart rejoices with them on this amazing adventure. I can hardly contain myself when I think about what God is going to accomplish through them as they give hands and feet to the love of Jesus.
Fourth, on the PHYSICAL Front: I had an episode with a kidney stone last week, and found myself in the local ER in the middle of the night. It’s not easy to rouse people from sleep at 4:30 AM, but I finally got a hold of some friends to come get me because I could not have driven myself. It really is as painful as everyone says. I am thankful however, the pain was gone by the time I left the hospital around 7:00 AM, and I have not been in pain since. I am following up with specialists to make sure everything is alright, but I am thanking God for healing me.
There is it in a nutshell, my friends. The good times are definitely out-weighing the bad, and God is blessing!
Fun and exciting times in my world these days! Ready for the Reader’s Digest version? I can’t really promise this will be short, but everyone knows I am long-winded…
First, on the Job Front: Work is going very well at Ashland. I finished my training and started taking phone orders in May (nice little pay raise included!) and time flies now with the business of processing these orders. The customer service department is really more logistical than call center as far as environment. When I take an order over the phone, I have to follow it and track it’s progress until it reaches the customer. If it isn’t in stock, I have to find stock. If it’s in a different warehouse I have to get permission to take it from that warehouse and send it on a carrier. If the price is in question I have to work with the Sales Rep. for that customer to get it straightened out. The stress comes from knowing that if we screw up an order and it doesn’t deliver on time or correctly, we could shut down a business for a day or even more, not to mention lose a customer’s patronage. So instead of taking a million calls, I take fewer calls that are projects that take days, weeks, or sometimes even months to complete. I am a detail oriented person, and I enjoy organization and problem solving. I have just never done it on this grand of a scale before! I enjoy the people and I am happy here.
Second, on the HOME Front: I GOT MY OWN PLACE!! I will have to provide some pictures once I can get someone with a digital camera in there! I love it. It’s a very comfortable 2 bedroom, it brings me about 10 minutes closer to work, and we have a pool! It’s a nice area, and I love having my own space. It’s been five years since I lived on my own, and it’s nice all of my things out of storage and in the one place! I had to pack up things from three different locations to move, and that a bit of a logistical nightmare. But thanks to AMAZING friends I was able to do it all in one weekend. God has provided so much for me, and I feel very peaceful about where I am. God has sent me money for moving, groceries, free furniture, even a beautiful mattress set…all through His faithful followers. I have been so blessed to see how it has come together. I have been in my place one month and I am LOVING it. It was like Christmas opening all those boxes that had been in storage for years...
Third, on the FAMILY front: This past weekend the family got together in my parents’ home to say goodbye to my brother and his wife. They are embarking on a journey to SRI LANKA with an organization called SAWSO . They will be working in several different facets of Tsunami relief aid, including construction of homes, community health, education/awareness of human trafficking, and job skills. They have committed to a year, however, we all believe this will open up more doors for them. They are both enablers; they want to see health and wholeness, physically and spiritually, being maintained by nationals. I can see them in project related work all over the world, and know that their hearts have been transformed by God to see the world through His eyes. Hearts such as that are not content to stay home, but need to venture out. Goodbyes are hard. But my heart rejoices with them on this amazing adventure. I can hardly contain myself when I think about what God is going to accomplish through them as they give hands and feet to the love of Jesus.
Fourth, on the PHYSICAL Front: I had an episode with a kidney stone last week, and found myself in the local ER in the middle of the night. It’s not easy to rouse people from sleep at 4:30 AM, but I finally got a hold of some friends to come get me because I could not have driven myself. It really is as painful as everyone says. I am thankful however, the pain was gone by the time I left the hospital around 7:00 AM, and I have not been in pain since. I am following up with specialists to make sure everything is alright, but I am thanking God for healing me.
There is it in a nutshell, my friends. The good times are definitely out-weighing the bad, and God is blessing!
Saturday, May 20, 2006
platform
I need to get my PRAISE ON for a moment so bear with me!
I was listening to music this week at work through my headset and came across a Kevin Max song from his new CD "Imposter" . It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was a ton of bricks from Jesus, because the dozen CD's I have at work are random uncharted downloads from the music on my laptop. I hadn't even had a chance to listen to the entire album yet and it's been months since I got it. But this moment was appointed by Jesus for me to hear these words and immediately worship Him for His providence.
My spiritual journey has been a long and complicated one. There have been times in my life (more than I would like to admit) when I have ignored or walked away from God wanted me to do, and even what was right. The difference between God's will and God's plan is that God's will is for us to obey Him and live by His Word and Jesus' example. God's plan is what He has created us to be and do in this life. I have walked away from both at different times in my life. But as I have told so many people, He didn't write me off. And He didn't tell me "ok, now that you've chosen the wrong path you'll now have to settle for second best." No, He continues to shape into what I was created to be, and He continues to make His dreams and plans for me a reality. And He redeems the time that was lost! He is the Author and Creator of time! I can't look that reality in the face without crying and worshipping my Jesus for Who He is and what He's done! There have been times when I look back at who I was and have asked the same questions Kevin asks in this song:
I can relate to the struggle in Kevin's heart as He wrestles with the facts of knowing that God is all knowing and all powerful, and He knows we are weak. So the question is why on earth is He coming to us when He knows we will run from Him and reject Him? Why does He place calling on our lives when He knows we aren't wise enough to handle it? We are shocked and ashamed when we mess up; isn't God? I ran for years from what He wanted me to do. Is it too late?
I believe the disciples were faced with the same revelation when they looked back and saw how they reacted in the face of adversity when Jesus was being led to His crucifixion. Why on earth did He choose fishermen; people from the "B" team, not good enough to go to rabbinical school (like Rob Bell often points out!) ? When He calls people why is it not always the smartest and the richest and those who seem to have it all together?
Some of the answers I have come to in my own journey have been heart-rending. He chooses those of us who are "weak" so that He can be strong. He doesn't want us to do things for Him in our own power, His wants things done in His Power, and He deserves the glory! His plans and dreams and methods are so much higher and so much more EFFECTIVE than anything we can dream up on our own. It's really kinda ridiculous what we come up with when you look at it from this perspective, but people who seem to have it all together too often don't have room for God's help. I remember the years of striving to do things my way and I shake my head at the futility of it! I have come to know that He is an interactive God. He doesn't hand us an idea and expect us to run with it. He gives us a picture and then waits for us to ask Him how to move forward with it. I cringe at the wasted time I think I see in my life, and then remember that He is the Redeemer and Restorer of what the "locusts have eaten". It is comforting to know that He created me and knows what is best, but it is also comforting to know that it also means He knows I am going to trip up sometimes. It doesn't surprise Him one ounce when I trip! It takes the pressure off to know that if He has called me to it, He will make it happen, through no power of my own. He asks only for my willingness to take my hands off the steering wheel. I can't tell you I always get it right, but I can tell you that when I do the results are amazing!
It was the unconditional love and acceptance that the disciples saw in Jesus face; the forgiveness for the unforgivable that He showed them that empowered them to move forward and not give into despair. It was His LOVE that inspired them to move beyond their shortcomings and dedicate their lives (and deaths) to furthering His Name. The more I know of Him, the more I want of Him. The more I see the results of His leading, the more I want to follow. I PRAISE YOU JESUS for loving me enough to never give up on me!
I was listening to music this week at work through my headset and came across a Kevin Max song from his new CD "Imposter" . It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was a ton of bricks from Jesus, because the dozen CD's I have at work are random uncharted downloads from the music on my laptop. I hadn't even had a chance to listen to the entire album yet and it's been months since I got it. But this moment was appointed by Jesus for me to hear these words and immediately worship Him for His providence.
My spiritual journey has been a long and complicated one. There have been times in my life (more than I would like to admit) when I have ignored or walked away from God wanted me to do, and even what was right. The difference between God's will and God's plan is that God's will is for us to obey Him and live by His Word and Jesus' example. God's plan is what He has created us to be and do in this life. I have walked away from both at different times in my life. But as I have told so many people, He didn't write me off. And He didn't tell me "ok, now that you've chosen the wrong path you'll now have to settle for second best." No, He continues to shape into what I was created to be, and He continues to make His dreams and plans for me a reality. And He redeems the time that was lost! He is the Author and Creator of time! I can't look that reality in the face without crying and worshipping my Jesus for Who He is and what He's done! There have been times when I look back at who I was and have asked the same questions Kevin asks in this song:
Platform By: Kevin Max
Oh My God, here I go again,
Jumping off this platform to another end.
Oh my God, see me going deep;
Won't you take these millstones from around my feet.
And it's a tragedy this state I'm in...
Why'd ya choose me when you knew I wasn't tough enough??
Why'd ya send me when you knew I would run??
Why'd ya put me in the places that I didn't want??
Why'd ya call me when you knew I'd hang up??
Oh my God, can you see through me?
Can you pierce the darkness?
God, your charity, is the only song that I cannot sing...
Why'd ya choose when you knew I wasn't wise enough??
Why'd ya send me when you knew I would run??
Why'd ya put me in the places that I didn't want??
Why'd ya call me when you knew I'd hang up??
You hold me up and pull me down and twist me around in circles
and take me out and put me back depending on the situation...
Oh my God, can I feel your hand?
I need direction and a place to land...
Why'd ya choose when you knew I wasn't tough enough?
Why'd ya send me when you knew I would run?
Why'd ya put me in the places that I didn't want?
Why'd ya call me when you knew I'd hang up?
I can relate to the struggle in Kevin's heart as He wrestles with the facts of knowing that God is all knowing and all powerful, and He knows we are weak. So the question is why on earth is He coming to us when He knows we will run from Him and reject Him? Why does He place calling on our lives when He knows we aren't wise enough to handle it? We are shocked and ashamed when we mess up; isn't God? I ran for years from what He wanted me to do. Is it too late?
I believe the disciples were faced with the same revelation when they looked back and saw how they reacted in the face of adversity when Jesus was being led to His crucifixion. Why on earth did He choose fishermen; people from the "B" team, not good enough to go to rabbinical school (like Rob Bell often points out!) ? When He calls people why is it not always the smartest and the richest and those who seem to have it all together?
Some of the answers I have come to in my own journey have been heart-rending. He chooses those of us who are "weak" so that He can be strong. He doesn't want us to do things for Him in our own power, His wants things done in His Power, and He deserves the glory! His plans and dreams and methods are so much higher and so much more EFFECTIVE than anything we can dream up on our own. It's really kinda ridiculous what we come up with when you look at it from this perspective, but people who seem to have it all together too often don't have room for God's help. I remember the years of striving to do things my way and I shake my head at the futility of it! I have come to know that He is an interactive God. He doesn't hand us an idea and expect us to run with it. He gives us a picture and then waits for us to ask Him how to move forward with it. I cringe at the wasted time I think I see in my life, and then remember that He is the Redeemer and Restorer of what the "locusts have eaten". It is comforting to know that He created me and knows what is best, but it is also comforting to know that it also means He knows I am going to trip up sometimes. It doesn't surprise Him one ounce when I trip! It takes the pressure off to know that if He has called me to it, He will make it happen, through no power of my own. He asks only for my willingness to take my hands off the steering wheel. I can't tell you I always get it right, but I can tell you that when I do the results are amazing!
It was the unconditional love and acceptance that the disciples saw in Jesus face; the forgiveness for the unforgivable that He showed them that empowered them to move forward and not give into despair. It was His LOVE that inspired them to move beyond their shortcomings and dedicate their lives (and deaths) to furthering His Name. The more I know of Him, the more I want of Him. The more I see the results of His leading, the more I want to follow. I PRAISE YOU JESUS for loving me enough to never give up on me!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
time keeps on tickin' tickin' tickin...
In 45 minutes I will be 31 years old. How can THAT be possible? I should be sleeping right now. 5:40 AM will come tomorrow with all the subtlety of a speeding semi truck...and yet I can't lie down. Not yet.
Mother's Day, 1975, Columbus, Ohio...my parents were celebrating their first child; the one they were told would never be born. The one they waited 7 long years of marriage to see. The one the doctor called a "watermelon" for 9 months because he couldn't believe my mom was actually pregnant...And time kept tickin... Now, 31 years later, I wonder about who I am, where I've been...have I made the most of 31 years? Have I squeezed as much life and love out of 31 years that I possibly can? Do I have regrets? What if's?
More questions...do I look 31? Do I act 31? I feel so immature for being "in my 30's". I have my first real job in "the big city", and yet sometimes I feel like I am playing a part in a play. The same type of feelings that washed over me when I turned 30 threaten to drown me now. I'm not doing what I envisioned myself to be doing at this stage of my life. I don't have what I thought I would have, I'm not in the place where I thought I would be. When I look back at my entry from turning 30, I realize I sound like a broken record. A year sounds like forever, but really it's just a drop in the bucket. Compared to eternity, it's barely the thought of someone dropping something in a bucket... Rob Bell once said that "time only exists between the trees". What he meant was that before the world and the tree of the "knowledge of good and evil" was created, time didn't exist. When that tree is restored in the last day, time will cease to exist again. When I look at it that way I realize that I am really allowing something temporary be the "boss of me". Who says I have to have this or be this or do this by a certain age? The important thing is to be in step with the Creator and destroyer of time. The concept of eternity tells me I have forever to become what I am intended to be, and my time here on earth is only a small part of it. This isn't the whole story, yet merely chapters of the novel. And to really nail it down, are any of these temporary things more important than intimacy with Jesus? Definitely not!
I am human, therefore there are certain things I desire to see take place in my life. We have a need for temporary things as well as eternal. But my prayer is that my priorities stay in line with what Jesus says I need and when I need them. It is only then that I find the underlying peace that comes with knowing that God is truly in control of time.
Mother's Day, 1975, Columbus, Ohio...my parents were celebrating their first child; the one they were told would never be born. The one they waited 7 long years of marriage to see. The one the doctor called a "watermelon" for 9 months because he couldn't believe my mom was actually pregnant...And time kept tickin... Now, 31 years later, I wonder about who I am, where I've been...have I made the most of 31 years? Have I squeezed as much life and love out of 31 years that I possibly can? Do I have regrets? What if's?
More questions...do I look 31? Do I act 31? I feel so immature for being "in my 30's". I have my first real job in "the big city", and yet sometimes I feel like I am playing a part in a play. The same type of feelings that washed over me when I turned 30 threaten to drown me now. I'm not doing what I envisioned myself to be doing at this stage of my life. I don't have what I thought I would have, I'm not in the place where I thought I would be. When I look back at my entry from turning 30, I realize I sound like a broken record. A year sounds like forever, but really it's just a drop in the bucket. Compared to eternity, it's barely the thought of someone dropping something in a bucket... Rob Bell once said that "time only exists between the trees". What he meant was that before the world and the tree of the "knowledge of good and evil" was created, time didn't exist. When that tree is restored in the last day, time will cease to exist again. When I look at it that way I realize that I am really allowing something temporary be the "boss of me". Who says I have to have this or be this or do this by a certain age? The important thing is to be in step with the Creator and destroyer of time. The concept of eternity tells me I have forever to become what I am intended to be, and my time here on earth is only a small part of it. This isn't the whole story, yet merely chapters of the novel. And to really nail it down, are any of these temporary things more important than intimacy with Jesus? Definitely not!
I am human, therefore there are certain things I desire to see take place in my life. We have a need for temporary things as well as eternal. But my prayer is that my priorities stay in line with what Jesus says I need and when I need them. It is only then that I find the underlying peace that comes with knowing that God is truly in control of time.
Monday, April 17, 2006
vineyard values
I spent some time on a Saturday morning not too long ago learning about my new church family. The Vineyard church I attend has a class for new attendees called Vineyard Values. Vineyard is not a denomination, but an Association of churches. They don't do formal membership, which sits well with me because of prior experience! However, they do offer a opportunity for people who desire to learn more about the church and the Vineyard movement in the form of a casual Saturday morning class. Pastor Steve led the class, and we talked about the history of the movement, it's origin and it's beliefs.I have to say that I have been in a lot of churches and a lot of "what we believe" type classes. I have not, however, cried through any of them because the Holy Spirit has moved in my heart. Until now. I felt so connected to the pastor because he came from the same church background as I did, and he has such a healthy grip on accepting the good and the bad that has come from it. I want to be in that place; seeing how God has used all things to work together for my good. But more than just relating to Pastor Steve, everything he shared about how God has moved in the Vineyard churches rang true with my heart. I consistently nodded my head because the values of the Vineyard coincided with what God has been doing in my life for the past three years. I couldn't believe how perfect the fit was, except to know that it is His Providential Hand that led me to this place.
God has heard my prayers of loneliness and discontent and He has brought to this Community of Believers. I'm home.
Monday, March 27, 2006
back in the saddle again
I guess I have left ya'all hangin' on the blogfront about the job! Here's the scoop:
2 minutes into the interview - I had made a connection with the interviewing manager and could tell that this interview was going better than the last one.
40 minutes later - I was on the road back home, talking to friends on the phone and telling them how well it went and how peaceful I felt.
20 minutes after I got home - I got a phone call from the hiring firm wanting to know if I could start the next morning at 8:30!
24 hours later - I was finishing my very first day as an Ashland Chemicals employee!
Isn't God amazing?
So now, two weeks into the job, things are still going very well. I enjoy the job and the people I work with. Working in a sea of cubicles, (aka a "Cube Farm") is a new experience for me. And I am positive that in a couple months, the movie "Office Space" will take on a whole new meaning! But it's exciting and I feel confident that the Lord has placed me here for a reason. I am so thankful for His faithfulness! And thank all of you for praying for me!!
2 minutes into the interview - I had made a connection with the interviewing manager and could tell that this interview was going better than the last one.
40 minutes later - I was on the road back home, talking to friends on the phone and telling them how well it went and how peaceful I felt.
20 minutes after I got home - I got a phone call from the hiring firm wanting to know if I could start the next morning at 8:30!
24 hours later - I was finishing my very first day as an Ashland Chemicals employee!
Isn't God amazing?
So now, two weeks into the job, things are still going very well. I enjoy the job and the people I work with. Working in a sea of cubicles, (aka a "Cube Farm") is a new experience for me. And I am positive that in a couple months, the movie "Office Space" will take on a whole new meaning! But it's exciting and I feel confident that the Lord has placed me here for a reason. I am so thankful for His faithfulness! And thank all of you for praying for me!!
Friday, March 10, 2006
brighter days (bookend to "disappointment")
Ok, ok, I'm done moping. By the end of the day Wednesday I had received a call back from the company wanting me to interview in a different area with a different manager. It was funny because the woman who called me was afraid I'd think she was crazy because she had just told me that they weren't interested. I didn't think she was crazy, I thought God was faithful. She was just the messenger of His providence.
So on Monday I have another interview, and I am pursuing a couple of other promising leads as well. All hope is not lost, though it continues to be a struggle to see that fact. Sometimes I feel just fine, and sometimes I feel as if I am teetering on the edge of despair. And the sad thing is that it is almost completely because of the money issues. I feel like I am receiving so much spiritually and I can see growth already just being a part of a church family on a regular basis again. But I have a hard time, it seems, focusing on the the importance of the journey and not just the goal. It's not easy to remain positive when bill collectors are calling everyday.
I do, however, know that He has a plan for me. And I continue to hang on to Him for dear life, knowing that there is no place safer than the palm of His hand.
So on Monday I have another interview, and I am pursuing a couple of other promising leads as well. All hope is not lost, though it continues to be a struggle to see that fact. Sometimes I feel just fine, and sometimes I feel as if I am teetering on the edge of despair. And the sad thing is that it is almost completely because of the money issues. I feel like I am receiving so much spiritually and I can see growth already just being a part of a church family on a regular basis again. But I have a hard time, it seems, focusing on the the importance of the journey and not just the goal. It's not easy to remain positive when bill collectors are calling everyday.
I do, however, know that He has a plan for me. And I continue to hang on to Him for dear life, knowing that there is no place safer than the palm of His hand.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
disappointment
What a slap in the head. I've never not received a job I have interviewed for before. Not ever. What the heck? The disappointment is a little overwhelming right now.
"They've hired someone who better suits their needs at this time."
It's disappointment like this that makes you want to wallow in all the doubts you had about yourself in the first place. And to find out at 1:00 AM when there is nobody to talk to! Nobody to vent with . . . nobody to tell you that they are missin' out on the world's best employee. It's THEIR loss, right? And what makes it worse is that it comes after 6 or more weeks of waiting and searching and fretting over bills that are overdue. Even the platitude that God has something more suited for me doesn't make me feel one ounce better. So I sit here and blog out of frustration and disappointment. Deep-seated emotional writing is not something I have done for a long time. I used to write poems full of anguish when I was in junior high and high school. Emotion seemed to just boil over in me, and writing was my only outlet. Over the years I developed friendships that have served as sounding boards. They have helped me stay sane, and my writing has become more reserved.
But now they're all asleep.
In 8 hours or so when I wake up everything will look brighter. I will have allowed the Lord to reign in my perspective and re-establish my positive attitude. But tonight I am allowing myself to grieve and be disappointed, and to wonder:
What in the world is God doing?
"They've hired someone who better suits their needs at this time."
It's disappointment like this that makes you want to wallow in all the doubts you had about yourself in the first place. And to find out at 1:00 AM when there is nobody to talk to! Nobody to vent with . . . nobody to tell you that they are missin' out on the world's best employee. It's THEIR loss, right? And what makes it worse is that it comes after 6 or more weeks of waiting and searching and fretting over bills that are overdue. Even the platitude that God has something more suited for me doesn't make me feel one ounce better. So I sit here and blog out of frustration and disappointment. Deep-seated emotional writing is not something I have done for a long time. I used to write poems full of anguish when I was in junior high and high school. Emotion seemed to just boil over in me, and writing was my only outlet. Over the years I developed friendships that have served as sounding boards. They have helped me stay sane, and my writing has become more reserved.
But now they're all asleep.
In 8 hours or so when I wake up everything will look brighter. I will have allowed the Lord to reign in my perspective and re-establish my positive attitude. But tonight I am allowing myself to grieve and be disappointed, and to wonder:
What in the world is God doing?
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
peer pressure
I have been receiving a little peer pressure from my "blogging buddies" recently about lack of writing the past month. I will be honest, it's not because I haven't had time! I think I've just been in a slump lately; unhappy with some of my circumstances and feeling un-inspired.
It's not that the Lord hasn't been doing things in my life. Quite the contrary. I am loving getting to know my new church family.
There was a time (and not so long ago!) when I felt I never wanted to go to "church" again!
I have been receiving so much affirmation from the Lord through several people about the "voice" God has given me. And it's not about my singing voice this time! It's about the wisdom and truth that God has instilled in me. Often it's hard for me to speak up or pray out loud. I hear the Lord speaking to me, and yet I hesitate in sharing what He saying.
It's mostly a confidence issue. I have confidence in God, but not myself.
But lately I have been able to speak up. I have been able to contribute to prayer time out loud, been able to speak to people when I feel like the Lord has given me something to say to them. I feel like God is growing a whole new area of ministry inside of me, one that's more face to face and relational than just hiding behind a microphone. Leading worship is definitely a ministry, but sometimes I gravitate to it because of the talent God has given me. I consider it "safe". I haven't jumped into any organized ministry at the new church yet, because I want to wait on the Lord and see what He is doing. I definitely don't want to end up like I was when I left my last church: working at the church every night of the week just because I was "qualified" to do so. I want to do the things I am called to, and have the time to do them well.
I trust God to show me how to do that.
Another cool thing that the Lord has been doing is taking care of me in this transition and job search. Living with friends while broke and looking for work is not an easy position to be in, trust me. Sunday before last, the Associate Pastor's wife prayed with me after church. She sensed a heavy heart and a burden on my shoulders, and said that the Lord wanted to remove them from me. Within two days I had received a call-back for a second interview, the next day a friend of mine gave me an unexpected gift of money, and still more friends took me out and got shoes for me to wear to my interview. It was such an overwhelming flood of blessings, and it reminded me that God was still in control and looking out for His beloved.
One thing I love about God is the patience He shows in reminding my heart of the those things I already know in my head.
It's not that the Lord hasn't been doing things in my life. Quite the contrary. I am loving getting to know my new church family.
There was a time (and not so long ago!) when I felt I never wanted to go to "church" again!
I have been receiving so much affirmation from the Lord through several people about the "voice" God has given me. And it's not about my singing voice this time! It's about the wisdom and truth that God has instilled in me. Often it's hard for me to speak up or pray out loud. I hear the Lord speaking to me, and yet I hesitate in sharing what He saying.
It's mostly a confidence issue. I have confidence in God, but not myself.
But lately I have been able to speak up. I have been able to contribute to prayer time out loud, been able to speak to people when I feel like the Lord has given me something to say to them. I feel like God is growing a whole new area of ministry inside of me, one that's more face to face and relational than just hiding behind a microphone. Leading worship is definitely a ministry, but sometimes I gravitate to it because of the talent God has given me. I consider it "safe". I haven't jumped into any organized ministry at the new church yet, because I want to wait on the Lord and see what He is doing. I definitely don't want to end up like I was when I left my last church: working at the church every night of the week just because I was "qualified" to do so. I want to do the things I am called to, and have the time to do them well.
I trust God to show me how to do that.
Another cool thing that the Lord has been doing is taking care of me in this transition and job search. Living with friends while broke and looking for work is not an easy position to be in, trust me. Sunday before last, the Associate Pastor's wife prayed with me after church. She sensed a heavy heart and a burden on my shoulders, and said that the Lord wanted to remove them from me. Within two days I had received a call-back for a second interview, the next day a friend of mine gave me an unexpected gift of money, and still more friends took me out and got shoes for me to wear to my interview. It was such an overwhelming flood of blessings, and it reminded me that God was still in control and looking out for His beloved.
One thing I love about God is the patience He shows in reminding my heart of the those things I already know in my head.
Monday, January 23, 2006
end of the spear
It's exciting to me that the Christian faith is being displayed on the "big screen" for all the world to see. First, The Chronicles of Narnia, and now, End of the Spear. (If you haven't seen Narnia, shame on you. GO NOW before it leaves the theaters!)
Growing up in church camp, we heard the story of the five missionary men who were speared to death in Ecuador, South America in the 1950's. They had been in the Amazon Basin with their families, and attempting to reach the violent tribe of the Waodani. The men flew into their village area and were attempting to communicate with the people in sparse, broken, Waodani phrases, and something went terribly wrong. All five of them were speared to death. Though they were armed with guns, they did not retaliate. The sacrifice of love didn't stop there, however. Rachel Saint, one of the men's sister, and one of the wives went back into the tribe and lived among the killers, leading the entire tribe to Jesus Christ and stopping the cycle of violence. It's an amazing story, and I hope I haven't ruined it for those of you who are not familiar with the story. Even knowing this much can not prepare you for the reality portrayed in this movie. The Gospel message is loud and clear.
Here are few things that I appreciated about this portrayal of Nate Saint, Jim Elliott, and the others:
-Even though it is set in the 50's, the missionaries were "real people". They laughed and played, loved-on their kids, got together to fellowship and dance and have a good time. Their love for Jesus and His purpose was evident, which made their love for the Waodani tribe more believable.
-The movie shows the thought patterns and struggles, and honest emotions of the tribe. Considering that some of the men who killed these missionaries are still alive, the film makers could use their "real life" stories and memories to portray what happened and why they attacked. It's not just all from the perspective of the missionaries, making the native people look like savages. It is true they were killers, and caught in a vicious cycle of revenge killing, but the deception of the Enemy is evident.
-This movie is not about sainthood or martyrdom. Their martyrdom is valid, but the story is about the miracle of how the love of God can transform a heart and life so completely that it is no longer recognizable. It is proof that loving God and loving others really does bring peace. This is the model He tried to give us with the Commandments in His Word -- a picture of how He would treat us, how to love unconditionally and place others above our own selfish desires. Ideally when this model is followed, there is peace. I believe that the harder people try to push God out of the picture, separate Him from "the State", compartmentalize Him in the world, the further we get from true peace. End of the Spear is an example of what it means to do things "God's way" and the success that comes from it.
I hope you'll see this movie. Not because the Christian groups want you to help make it a success at the box office, but because it will change you life. May the Lord strengthen your resolve, and establish a foundation of Love in your heart that will change the world.
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