platform

I need to get my PRAISE ON for a moment so bear with me!

I was listening to music this week at work through my headset and came across a Kevin Max song from his new CD "Imposter" . It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was a ton of bricks from Jesus, because the dozen CD's I have at work are random uncharted downloads from the music on my laptop. I hadn't even had a chance to listen to the entire album yet and it's been months since I got it. But this moment was appointed by Jesus for me to hear these words and immediately worship Him for His providence.

My spiritual journey has been a long and complicated one. There have been times in my life (more than I would like to admit) when I have ignored or walked away from God wanted me to do, and even what was right. The difference between God's will and God's plan is that God's will is for us to obey Him and live by His Word and Jesus' example. God's plan is what He has created us to be and do in this life. I have walked away from both at different times in my life. But as I have told so many people, He didn't write me off. And He didn't tell me "ok, now that you've chosen the wrong path you'll now have to settle for second best." No, He continues to shape into what I was created to be, and He continues to make His dreams and plans for me a reality. And He redeems the time that was lost! He is the Author and Creator of time! I can't look that reality in the face without crying and worshipping my Jesus for Who He is and what He's done! There have been times when I look back at who I was and have asked the same questions Kevin asks in this song:

Platform By: Kevin Max

Oh My God, here I go again,
Jumping off this platform to another end.
Oh my God, see me going deep;
Won't you take these millstones from around my feet.
And it's a tragedy this state I'm in...

Why'd ya choose me when you knew I wasn't tough enough??
Why'd ya send me when you knew I would run??
Why'd ya put me in the places that I didn't want??
Why'd ya call me when you knew I'd hang up??

Oh my God, can you see through me?
Can you pierce the darkness?
God, your charity, is the only song that I cannot sing...

Why'd ya choose when you knew I wasn't wise enough??
Why'd ya send me when you knew I would run??
Why'd ya put me in the places that I didn't want??
Why'd ya call me when you knew I'd hang up??

You hold me up and pull me down and twist me around in circles
and take me out and put me back depending on the situation...
Oh my God, can I feel your hand?
I need direction and a place to land...

Why'd ya choose when you knew I wasn't tough enough?
Why'd ya send me when you knew I would run?
Why'd ya put me in the places that I didn't want?
Why'd ya call me when you knew I'd hang up?

I can relate to the struggle in Kevin's heart as He wrestles with the facts of knowing that God is all knowing and all powerful, and He knows we are weak. So the question is why on earth is He coming to us when He knows we will run from Him and reject Him? Why does He place calling on our lives when He knows we aren't wise enough to handle it? We are shocked and ashamed when we mess up; isn't God? I ran for years from what He wanted me to do. Is it too late?

I believe the disciples were faced with the same revelation when they looked back and saw how they reacted in the face of adversity when Jesus was being led to His crucifixion. Why on earth did He choose fishermen; people from the "B" team, not good enough to go to rabbinical school (like Rob Bell often points out!) ? When He calls people why is it not always the smartest and the richest and those who seem to have it all together?

Some of the answers I have come to in my own journey have been heart-rending. He chooses those of us who are "weak" so that He can be strong. He doesn't want us to do things for Him in our own power, His wants things done in His Power, and He deserves the glory! His plans and dreams and methods are so much higher and so much more EFFECTIVE than anything we can dream up on our own. It's really kinda ridiculous what we come up with when you look at it from this perspective, but people who seem to have it all together too often don't have room for God's help. I remember the years of striving to do things my way and I shake my head at the futility of it! I have come to know that He is an interactive God. He doesn't hand us an idea and expect us to run with it. He gives us a picture and then waits for us to ask Him how to move forward with it. I cringe at the wasted time I think I see in my life, and then remember that He is the Redeemer and Restorer of what the "locusts have eaten". It is comforting to know that He created me and knows what is best, but it is also comforting to know that it also means He knows I am going to trip up sometimes. It doesn't surprise Him one ounce when I trip! It takes the pressure off to know that if He has called me to it, He will make it happen, through no power of my own. He asks only for my willingness to take my hands off the steering wheel. I can't tell you I always get it right, but I can tell you that when I do the results are amazing!

It was the unconditional love and acceptance that the disciples saw in Jesus face; the forgiveness for the unforgivable that He showed them that empowered them to move forward and not give into despair. It was His LOVE that inspired them to move beyond their shortcomings and dedicate their lives (and deaths) to furthering His Name. The more I know of Him, the more I want of Him. The more I see the results of His leading, the more I want to follow. I PRAISE YOU JESUS for loving me enough to never give up on me!

time keeps on tickin' tickin' tickin...

In 45 minutes I will be 31 years old. How can THAT be possible? I should be sleeping right now. 5:40 AM will come tomorrow with all the subtlety of a speeding semi truck...and yet I can't lie down. Not yet.

Mother's Day, 1975, Columbus, Ohio...my parents were celebrating their first child; the one they were told would never be born. The one they waited 7 long years of marriage to see. The one the doctor called a "watermelon" for 9 months because he couldn't believe my mom was actually pregnant...And time kept tickin... Now, 31 years later, I wonder about who I am, where I've been...have I made the most of 31 years? Have I squeezed as much life and love out of 31 years that I possibly can? Do I have regrets? What if's?

More questions...do I look 31? Do I act 31? I feel so immature for being "in my 30's". I have my first real job in "the big city", and yet sometimes I feel like I am playing a part in a play. The same type of feelings that washed over me when I turned 30 threaten to drown me now. I'm not doing what I envisioned myself to be doing at this stage of my life. I don't have what I thought I would have, I'm not in the place where I thought I would be. When I look back at my entry from turning 30, I realize I sound like a broken record. A year sounds like forever, but really it's just a drop in the bucket. Compared to eternity, it's barely the thought of someone dropping something in a bucket... Rob Bell once said that "time only exists between the trees". What he meant was that before the world and the tree of the "knowledge of good and evil" was created, time didn't exist. When that tree is restored in the last day, time will cease to exist again. When I look at it that way I realize that I am really allowing something temporary be the "boss of me". Who says I have to have this or be this or do this by a certain age? The important thing is to be in step with the Creator and destroyer of time. The concept of eternity tells me I have forever to become what I am intended to be, and my time here on earth is only a small part of it. This isn't the whole story, yet merely chapters of the novel. And to really nail it down, are any of these temporary things more important than intimacy with Jesus? Definitely not!

I am human, therefore there are certain things I desire to see take place in my life. We have a need for temporary things as well as eternal. But my prayer is that my priorities stay in line with what Jesus says I need and when I need them. It is only then that I find the underlying peace that comes with knowing that God is truly in control of time.

vineyard values

I spent some time on a Saturday morning not too long ago learning about my new church family. The Vineyard church I attend has a class for new attendees called Vineyard Values. Vineyard is not a denomination, but an Association of churches. They don't do formal membership, which sits well with me because of prior experience! However, they do offer a opportunity for people who desire to learn more about the church and the Vineyard movement in the form of a casual Saturday morning class. Pastor Steve led the class, and we talked about the history of the movement, it's origin and it's beliefs.

I have to say that I have been in a lot of churches and a lot of "what we believe" type classes. I have not, however, cried through any of them because the Holy Spirit has moved in my heart. Until now. I felt so connected to the pastor because he came from the same church background as I did, and he has such a healthy grip on accepting the good and the bad that has come from it. I want to be in that place; seeing how God has used all things to work together for my good. But more than just relating to Pastor Steve, everything he shared about how God has moved in the Vineyard churches rang true with my heart. I consistently nodded my head because the values of the Vineyard coincided with what God has been doing in my life for the past three years. I couldn't believe how perfect the fit was, except to know that it is His Providential Hand that led me to this place.

God has heard my prayers of loneliness and discontent and He has brought to this Community of Believers. I'm home.

back in the saddle again

I guess I have left ya'all hangin' on the blogfront about the job! Here's the scoop:

2 minutes into the interview - I had made a connection with the interviewing manager and could tell that this interview was going better than the last one.

40 minutes later - I was on the road back home, talking to friends on the phone and telling them how well it went and how peaceful I felt.

20 minutes after I got home - I got a phone call from the hiring firm wanting to know if I could start the next morning at 8:30!

24 hours later - I was finishing my very first day as an Ashland Chemicals employee!

Isn't God amazing?

So now, two weeks into the job, things are still going very well. I enjoy the job and the people I work with. Working in a sea of cubicles, (aka a "Cube Farm") is a new experience for me. And I am positive that in a couple months, the movie "Office Space" will take on a whole new meaning! But it's exciting and I feel confident that the Lord has placed me here for a reason. I am so thankful for His faithfulness! And thank all of you for praying for me!!

brighter days (bookend to "disappointment")

Ok, ok, I'm done moping. By the end of the day Wednesday I had received a call back from the company wanting me to interview in a different area with a different manager. It was funny because the woman who called me was afraid I'd think she was crazy because she had just told me that they weren't interested. I didn't think she was crazy, I thought God was faithful. She was just the messenger of His providence.

So on Monday I have another interview, and I am pursuing a couple of other promising leads as well. All hope is not lost, though it continues to be a struggle to see that fact. Sometimes I feel just fine, and sometimes I feel as if I am teetering on the edge of despair. And the sad thing is that it is almost completely because of the money issues. I feel like I am receiving so much spiritually and I can see growth already just being a part of a church family on a regular basis again. But I have a hard time, it seems, focusing on the the importance of the journey and not just the goal. It's not easy to remain positive when bill collectors are calling everyday.

I do, however, know that He has a plan for me. And I continue to hang on to Him for dear life, knowing that there is no place safer than the palm of His hand.

disappointment

What a slap in the head. I've never not received a job I have interviewed for before. Not ever. What the heck? The disappointment is a little overwhelming right now.

"They've hired someone who better suits their needs at this time."

It's disappointment like this that makes you want to wallow in all the doubts you had about yourself in the first place. And to find out at 1:00 AM when there is nobody to talk to! Nobody to vent with . . . nobody to tell you that they are missin' out on the world's best employee. It's THEIR loss, right? And what makes it worse is that it comes after 6 or more weeks of waiting and searching and fretting over bills that are overdue. Even the platitude that God has something more suited for me doesn't make me feel one ounce better. So I sit here and blog out of frustration and disappointment. Deep-seated emotional writing is not something I have done for a long time. I used to write poems full of anguish when I was in junior high and high school. Emotion seemed to just boil over in me, and writing was my only outlet. Over the years I developed friendships that have served as sounding boards. They have helped me stay sane, and my writing has become more reserved.

But now they're all asleep.

In 8 hours or so when I wake up everything will look brighter. I will have allowed the Lord to reign in my perspective and re-establish my positive attitude. But tonight I am allowing myself to grieve and be disappointed, and to wonder:

What in the world is God doing?

peer pressure

I have been receiving a little peer pressure from my "blogging buddies" recently about lack of writing the past month. I will be honest, it's not because I haven't had time! I think I've just been in a slump lately; unhappy with some of my circumstances and feeling un-inspired.

It's not that the Lord hasn't been doing things in my life. Quite the contrary. I am loving getting to know my new church family.

There was a time (and not so long ago!) when I felt I never wanted to go to "church" again!

I have been receiving so much affirmation from the Lord through several people about the "voice" God has given me. And it's not about my singing voice this time! It's about the wisdom and truth that God has instilled in me. Often it's hard for me to speak up or pray out loud. I hear the Lord speaking to me, and yet I hesitate in sharing what He saying.

It's mostly a confidence issue. I have confidence in God, but not myself.

But lately I have been able to speak up. I have been able to contribute to prayer time out loud, been able to speak to people when I feel like the Lord has given me something to say to them. I feel like God is growing a whole new area of ministry inside of me, one that's more face to face and relational than just hiding behind a microphone. Leading worship is definitely a ministry, but sometimes I gravitate to it because of the talent God has given me. I consider it "safe". I haven't jumped into any organized ministry at the new church yet, because I want to wait on the Lord and see what He is doing. I definitely don't want to end up like I was when I left my last church: working at the church every night of the week just because I was "qualified" to do so. I want to do the things I am called to, and have the time to do them well.

I trust God to show me how to do that.

Another cool thing that the Lord has been doing is taking care of me in this transition and job search. Living with friends while broke and looking for work is not an easy position to be in, trust me. Sunday before last, the Associate Pastor's wife prayed with me after church. She sensed a heavy heart and a burden on my shoulders, and said that the Lord wanted to remove them from me. Within two days I had received a call-back for a second interview, the next day a friend of mine gave me an unexpected gift of money, and still more friends took me out and got shoes for me to wear to my interview. It was such an overwhelming flood of blessings, and it reminded me that God was still in control and looking out for His beloved.

One thing I love about God is the patience He shows in reminding my heart of the those things I already know in my head.

end of the spear

It's exciting to me that the Christian faith is being displayed on the "big screen" for all the world to see. First, The Chronicles of Narnia, and now, End of the Spear. (If you haven't seen Narnia, shame on you. GO NOW before it leaves the theaters!)

Growing up in church camp, we heard the story of the five missionary men who were speared to death in Ecuador, South America in the 1950's. They had been in the Amazon Basin with their families, and attempting to reach the violent tribe of the Waodani. The men flew into their village area and were attempting to communicate with the people in sparse, broken, Waodani phrases, and something went terribly wrong. All five of them were speared to death. Though they were armed with guns, they did not retaliate. The sacrifice of love didn't stop there, however. Rachel Saint, one of the men's sister, and one of the wives went back into the tribe and lived among the killers, leading the entire tribe to Jesus Christ and stopping the cycle of violence. It's an amazing story, and I hope I haven't ruined it for those of you who are not familiar with the story. Even knowing this much can not prepare you for the reality portrayed in this movie. The Gospel message is loud and clear.

Here are few things that I appreciated about this portrayal of Nate Saint, Jim Elliott, and the others:

-Even though it is set in the 50's, the missionaries were "real people". They laughed and played, loved-on their kids, got together to fellowship and dance and have a good time. Their love for Jesus and His purpose was evident, which made their love for the Waodani tribe more believable.

-The movie shows the thought patterns and struggles, and honest emotions of the tribe. Considering that some of the men who killed these missionaries are still alive, the film makers could use their "real life" stories and memories to portray what happened and why they attacked. It's not just all from the perspective of the missionaries, making the native people look like savages. It is true they were killers, and caught in a vicious cycle of revenge killing, but the deception of the Enemy is evident.

-This movie is not about sainthood or martyrdom. Their martyrdom is valid, but the story is about the miracle of how the love of God can transform a heart and life so completely that it is no longer recognizable. It is proof that loving God and loving others really does bring peace. This is the model He tried to give us with the Commandments in His Word -- a picture of how He would treat us, how to love unconditionally and place others above our own selfish desires. Ideally when this model is followed, there is peace. I believe that the harder people try to push God out of the picture, separate Him from "the State", compartmentalize Him in the world, the further we get from true peace. End of the Spear is an example of what it means to do things "God's way" and the success that comes from it.

I hope you'll see this movie. Not because the Christian groups want you to help make it a success at the box office, but because it will change you life. May the Lord strengthen your resolve, and establish a foundation of Love in your heart that will change the world.

this is the great adventure

Seems like the New Year celebrations for the past few years have brought with them huge changes in my life. New Year's Eve was never exciting in my house; it wasn't until I was a teenager and could go to youth group all-nighters that I really began celebrating them. As the years went on and I celebrated several different ways with the ever-changing groups of people in my life, it became about partying and not about a new chapter. Not partying in a BAD way, but mostly a chance to get together and hang out with friends. It's not a negative thing to hang out with friends, but the focus has changed to something deeper. Every year opens a new chapter in this great adventure with God, and He reveals Himself and His plans in new and exciting ways.

Last year I found myself walking away from the "safe and familiar" church and organizations that had been a part of my life forever. I took a huge leap of faith when Jesus asked me to follow Him, and growth and experience that came with this obedience was unprecedented. It hasn't been easy, and sometimes it has been downright grueling, yet there is a peace that passes all understanding that lies just beneath the surface. It's part of the paradox I have often mentioned; the journey of tribulation and jubilation that IS my existence.

And now, this New Year, the Lord is asking me yet again to trust His ways. We know that His ways are not man's ways, and the reconciling of such truth is not always an easy task. But it comes easier when we realize that while God is not always "safe", He is always Good. His Word promises that ALL things work together for good for those that love Him (Romans 8:28). When that truth is at the core of my being, I can trust Him and rest and in His hands, regardless of the chaos of circumstances swirling around me.

So as I stand on the edge of the unknown and face 2006, there is the slightest fraction of apprehension at the thought of moving in a new direction. But more than that there is EXCITEMENT and ANTICIPATION at the thought of this great adventure in which I am moving. God's word to me this New Year is "DREAM BIG, quit settling for less when I want you to have more!" I feel that He is telling me that I don't have to live like a penniless martyr in a temporary job or living situation in order to be ready to go when He tells me to go. It's ok to want stability and a home of my own, and even something as trivial as a "scrapbooking room". So I am moving towards the sound of His voice, pressing in to feel His heartbeat, and basking in the affection He has for me. As I run through the field of flowers and laugh at the whimsy of His love, I am impassioned to run higher up and further in so I can experience more of what He has for me. My only thought is to know Him more; to seek His face and not just His hand.

Make me what I was created to be, Lord, and let me know you.

in honor of swanger

Today is one of my best friend's birthday. He has entered the 30's decade, and with more grace than I did, I must say. It's scary to say goodbye to the 20's, but Swanger is handling it very well. So in honor of his birthday, I want to give a shout out to him for being a pretty darn amazing friend.

We met over 15 years ago at church camp. (It seems like the most important people in my life are from "church camp". I'll have to write about that later.) We had some good times over the years, but a real connection started one cold February MANY years later, when I visited Michigan to see someone else, and spent some time with him at his parent's home. I don't know how to describe in words what made the difference. Swanger has this way of looking into your heart and soul. Conversations are rarely surface or superficial. He wants to know what makes you tick. Because authentic relationships are important to me, this quality attracted me like a moth to a flame. I remember spilling out some of the most painful circumstances in my life to him while sitting on the living room couch. (Right after a impromptu sing-a-long at the piano!) The tide of our acquaintance turned at this point toward deeper friendship.

Even more time passed, and more church camp, (even now as adults!), and the bond grew stronger. Several Ohio friends starting visiting Michigan with me, and Swanger became a regular part of our lives. The miles starting racking up, back and forth, on all of our vehicles. God was doing something in our hearts that was making it necessary to see one another, no matter what the cost. We were having fun together, laughing like it was our job, and enjoying and worshipping God together...but God had even bigger plans.

This foundation of friendship became a building block that God used to draw us closer to Him. Swanger and I, and several others, were on a spiritual journey: Each of us asking the Lord our own private questions and petitioning to know Him more. God began to speak to Swanger, who then in turn began to speak to us, and the entire experience revolutionized our relationship with Jesus forever. We had no idea what God had in mind when He drew us all together, but I look back now in utter amazement at the beauty of God's plan. We were able to share with one another in total trust and love the things God was doing, and had the opportunity to share in and praise His goodness. It is a experience we will be able to share forever.

On a lighter note, here is a list of things I am thankful that Swanger shared with me:

1. WILL FERRELL'S BEST OF SNL DVD. Goulet! By far the funniest SNL DVD of all time!
2. LaShish, garlic breath and all!
3. Misty Edwards, the IHOP Diva (I will never forget the impact of the first time we all listened to this CD in Kelly's van)
4. Jason Upton's music. Especially "Fly"...remember getting knocked on our faces during that song?
5. The tour of the Upper Pennisula Fall of '03. Amazing beauty.
6. Our elvish friend, Jen Lombardo and her fiery Furnace.
7. Your amazing gift of leading worship. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your team.
8. Two words: FAMOUS DAVE'S!
9. Hours of cell phone conversations starting with laughter and ending with prayers and prophecy.
10. For loving me with the unconditional love of the Father.

Thanks, my friend, for allowing yourself to be used by God to enrich my life. I can't imagine my life without you.

Happy 30th Birthday, Aaron.