Joy in the Journey

true femininity

2011-11-07T16:42:00.005-05:00

One of the requirements for my internship at IHOP-KC was to attend an 8 week inner healing course based on the book "Pure Heart". Interns were not so affectionately referring to the course as "Puree My Heart" because of the intensity of the subjects it covered. The book, written by Tom and Donna Cole, covers many situations that can occur in our imperfect human lives that can cause damage to our hearts. These wounds can keep is from seeing God as He truly is, and from seeing ourselves as He truly see us. Each chapter is connected to one of the Beatitudes from the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew Chapter 5. The chapters cover wounds caused by parents, un-forgiveness, the importance of confession, true femininity and masculinity, and ultimately, the "True Self", which is our identity in Jesus.

The journey was monumental for me and the Lord really did a deep work in my heart in several areas. One of the hardest weeks for me was True Femininity. By hard, I mean that it was tough to be completely vulnerable and honest with how I was feeling, and the process was emotional. The healing, however, that God performed in my heart and mind was so amazing. I have not been the same since. I am a firm believer in this book and the process that the Coles have laid out because they facilitate allowing the Holy Spirit to come and do the deep work that transforms lives. There is so much power in operating the freedom of healing and in knowing your true identity in the Lord. Part of that healing process has been in continuing to work with Pure Heart programs. While in Kansas City, I co-led a small group for the new interns that arrived after we finished track one. And now, in Michigan, I have had the opportunity to co-lead another small group through the same program in my new church. God even stepped it up a notch and gave me the opportunity to share a devotional/testimony on True Femininity night. This is an extended version of that testimony:

Women are an equal but different expression of the image of God. Even as a woman, it has taken me quite some time to begin to understand that. The Hebrew word used for woman in the Creation story is "ezer kenegdo" (Genesis 2:18) which means powerful equal, not just a helper. We were not an afterthought in God's plan, but part of a two-fold expression of the heart of God. The first account of Creation in Genesis 1:27 says "So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created He him, male and female created He them." We can see the sacredness of the the salvation covenant between God and mankind reflected in the marriage partnership He designed for a man and a woman. We are to become "one flesh" with our mates and we are to become as "one" in our relationship with God. This act of coming together in total agreement is the same picture we see portrayed in the image of the marriage of the Bridegroom Jesus and His Bride, the Church. It takes time and hard work to come into agreement with another person and with God. Let me just say here, too, that maybe that's why it's taking Jesus so long to return? But isn't funny how after couples have been together for decades they actually begin to "look like" one another? We become what we behold (I Cor. 3:18).

The Beatitude for this chapter is "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." (Matt. 5:7) In women we find a natural tendency towards mercy, though men are to show mercy as well. Women reflect the beautiful and relational side of the Father. We we created to be nurturing and compassionate. We were created with the longing to be captivated and pursued by another. We long to know that we are the only woman in the world that our man loves, and ultimately that God loves us and pursues us unconditionally. We long to connect with others on a deep level and showing mercy is a natural response to being in a trusting and wholehearted relationship. These things are the reflection of the Father's own heart and desires. He is jealous for us and will not suffer other lovers. He longs to be in relationship with us and desires to be pursued wholeheartedly. His plan for men and women is for them to serve together as equal partners in right relationship with Him and to be a reflection of His many attributes. We were all made to love Him and be loved by Him.

When Satan approached Eve and she gave into temptation, more happened than just the first sin - the results were not just being kicked out of Eden and women acquiring pain in childbirth. The Scripture leads us to believe that Adam was standing right there while Eve was being tempted, and he did not speak up or make a stand when she ate of the fruit and shared it with him. Eve directly disobeyed God's command that had been handed down to her through Adam, and Adam did not step up into his role of spiritual head of the relationship and try to correct or protect Eve. We can see the results of this betrayal in our relationships today. The Fall did not change our roles; the Fall resulted in men backing down and women taking things into their own hands. I love the quote from this website from the Jewish commentator Rashi: "If he [Adam] is worthy, [she will be] a help [ezer]. If he is not worthy [she will be] against him [kenegdo] for strife." In our brokenness, not only do we try to do things that we were not created to do, but we also try to fill legitimate needs in illegitimate ways. The Word says that the woman would desire to rule her husband but he would continue to be expected to be the spiritual head of the relationship. (Gen. 3:16) This struggle has lasted throughout history. An insecurity in the heart of women started with Eve and carries on in women's hearts today.

One thing that the Lord has been teaching me in the past year or so is that Satan doesn't just randomly attack us. He is not a prankster. He has a strategy and he has the advantage of not only knowing God since the Beginning, but also knowing humans and their tendencies. He hated Eve because she reflected the beauty of God and for the fact that she was given the ability to produce life. It is said that Lucifer was the most beautiful angel in heaven, and that his downfall was a desire to be worshipped. A human created to reflect the beauty of God would be like a slap in the face. He has been trying to destroy our beauty since that first day that he confronted Eve. Tom Cole points out in this chapter that the hatred of women in the world is illogical and compares it to the hatred of Jews. All throughout history we have been enslaved, abused, murdered, objectified, and at the very least, considered inferior in status or in intelligence. This is not just by happenstance; Satan has deliberately influenced our society to view woman in these ways. One example of how his schemes are designed can be seen the area of pursuit and commitment. The enemy knows that women desire to be pursued and shown faithfulness and loyalty and that these things allow her to trust and fully open up to a man. So we see men who pursue women, but it's often a game (subconsciously or otherwise) and they are seemingly incapable of commitment or fidelity. It is a lie that men cannot help but cheat. But because the lie is so prevalent we adopt it as truth instead of agreeing with the Creator about His Creation. He created men to be faithful and protect the heart of women. This scheme is two-fold in nature, because not only does this mistrust of men affect our ability to be in healthy relationships, it also skews our view of God, and can affect our ability to accept the truth of His heart for us. The insecurity and lack of trust can manifest in many different ways. Some women remain passive and live the life of a victim of whatever abuse they have endured. They are convinced that either they do not deserve better or that they would be worse off alone. Other women take a protective and defensive stance. They become the "maneaters" who are bitter and hateful; emasculating the men around them with their words and they become fiercely independent. They are determined to convince everyone (including themselves) that they don't need men and can do anything that men can do. And sometimes women completely deny their femininity. These women reject their beauty because of they way they have been abused or objectified and feel they can not trust men at all. Sometimes women will choose homosexuality over heterosexual relationships because they desire relationship but cannot trust men with their hearts. All of these emotions can carry over into our view of God and can wreak havoc on our ability to trust His love for us.

The feminist movement had some positive outcome but is also a source of deception. Pursuing equality outside of God's definition and standard has led to legalized abortion, gender confusion and the breakdown of the nuclear family. There is a constant struggle within us as we long for the things that have hurt us because of the fallen state of humanity. We try to live without them but we were meant for them. The enemy wants us to remain in this state of disconnect. The last thing he wants is for us to operate as we were created to operate, individually or as a team. He does not want us to relate to each other as God intended, and he does not want us to raise functional families that are pleasing to the Lord. There is strength and power and beauty in how we were intended to work together and compliment one another. The reflection of the Creator is incomplete without our partnership. The enemy is actively and intentionally destroying the hearts of men and women by whispering lies into their ears. And I, like so many others, have been buying into them.

I had gathered much insecurity unto myself over the years due to rejection and deception. I believed the lies about what the world called beautiful. When the hurtful jabs came at me at different times in my life, I came to believe that I was not beautiful. I compartmentalized inner and outer beauty and resigned myself to having to settle for the "inner beauty" as if that somehow made me incomplete. As I began dealing with the issues raised in this book, I began to realize that though I had some revelation of God's love and acceptance of me, I had no faith in those around me and felt the need to protect myself. I had placed the perceived importance of being married or in a relationship as the measuring stick for my own worth. I walked away from a relationship not long after I graduated from college because I knew that the Lord was not in it. I told the Lord that I never wanted to be distracted from Him in that way again. I didn't want to play the dating game; I wanted Him to bring the right man into my life. But as the years went by, I started to lose hope and hold a grudge against the Lord because I assumed He was calling me to be single. Ultimately I believed that I was not worthy of love or pursuit. I lost hope because my hope and identity were in the wrong place. As the Lord very gently began to reveal to me the true state of my heart, He showed me three things.

First, He showed me that internally I was holding others to the same superficial worldly definition of beauty that had caused me so much pain. This was an excruciating revelation.

Second, He showed me that I was holding my singleness against Him. I was assuming that because I wasn't married yet that He was calling me to be single and that was not the desire of my heart. The reality was that He wasn't calling me to be single. He was actually honoring my request to not be distracted in my relationship with Him and asking me to wait on Him. He was not saying "no", he was saying "not yet".

And third, He showed me that I was protecting myself from rejection by inwardly judging or rejecting others first. Basically I had become somewhat unapproachable because I had this huge back off sign on my forehead in the spiritual realm. I was using what was initially a noble request (to not lose focus on the Lord) as a shield to protect myself from rejection. I was allowing myself to be intimidated by certain types of men and women that reminded me of people who had hurt me in the past. My self-hatred was being projected in my countenance and was affecting how I related to others.

The Lord brought me to these painful revelations because He wants me to change my definition of beauty. He wants me to accept the Truth that how HE see me is truly the only measure of my worth. He loves me way too much to allow me to continue in the mindset that I am unlovable. Through this process He has delivered me from a spirit of rejection; a tool that the enemy was using to hold me back and keep me from walking in the confidence of my true identity in Christ. I am finally beginning to understand what true beauty looks like. He has brought healing to those wounds from the past and has given me new confidence as the King's daughter as described in Psalm 45:9-17. I am one whose beauty is desired by the King and it brings honor Him. One of the transformations I saw in myself during that time may seem small, but I share it as a part of my testimony because it is pretty significant to me. I used to struggle with being photographed. I was very critical and particular about pictures being posted on Facebook and n albums because I just didn't like what I saw. I noticed after several weeks that when viewing photos of myself that I felt very differently about what I was seeing. There was a difference in the countenance of my face and the depth of my smile because of the healing I was experiencing. But the most amazing difference was that I didn't hate what I saw in those pictures anymore. My heart has actually started to come into agreement with the fact that I am beautiful in the sight of the Lord. What He says about me is the only thing that truly matters.

So women of God, I urge you to embrace the Word of the Lord about your femininity.

"Behold you are all fair, my love! Behold you are fair!" Song of Songs 1:15

"You have ravished His heart with one look of your eyes!" Song of Songs 4:9

"The King greatly desires your beauty!" Psalm 45:11

I believe that we need to pray actively and intentionally for revelation and stand in our authority as Believers to take back our identity. We need to pray for the Truth to overcome the deception and the Light to overcome the darkness. Women were created to reflect the beauty of the Lord in all of His mercy, compassion and loving kindness. We were created in God's image, and He makes everything glorious. Rise, Daughters of Zion; be confident in the One who love you without condition and let your beauty shine forth! This is a part of our worship and testimony before the Throne.

re-entry

2011-07-10T16:40:00.005-04:00

"I'm just happy to hear that I am not crazy!"
I had the privilege to lead our very last small group meeting of the internship. It was providential because the day before, God had given me a message to share and the timing was perfect. After I had written my last post, a friend had sent me an email and totally identified what I was really feeling: Panic. Through the leading of the Holy Spirit, she reminded me that this 6 month experience was like a cross cultural trip, and should be treated as such as far as re-entry into my home and relationships. I have been forever changed by the experience that the Lord has brought me through at IHOP-KC. And at the same time, all of my family and friends have also moved on with their lives, going through their owns changes and journeys. These two things colliding can sometimes cause a bit of a reverse culture shock. Not only am I concerned about integrating the knowledge and changes into my life back home, but I was concerned about translating back into the lives of those whom I love.
My friend sent me several articles, reminding of my previous cross cultural training. It was exactly what I needed to hear, and the revelation burned on my heart. I needed to share this with my fellow interns. We hadn't covered the concept in our closing sessions. It was true that a lot of interns were staying in KC to join staff, but many were not. And even though many were joining staff, at some point they would be going home to raise a team of supporters. The very next morning, I was given the opportunity to take charge of the last small group meeting.
I put together a short exhortation of the main points of the articles. I wanted to bring awareness and offer tips on how to navigate through the emotions that would rise. When I finished and prayed for my team, one of the girls exclaimed "I am just happy to know I am not crazy!" She had left mid-internship to spend a weekend with her family at her brother's graduation. She did not understand the unsettled feelings she was experiencing and the trouble she was having relating to people. Because I shared the truth that had been revealed to me, someone else was also touched and given language for the emotions she was experiencing. Not everyone will have the same type of struggle, but being aware of the possibility is half the battle! Given this information we can pray more specifically and have the tools to combat the attack of the enemy. Spiritual warfare will definitely be in our future. We will have to resist the enemy who will try to steal the seeds that have been planted. If we understand that the emotions we will face are normal, it will be easier to stand strong and rely on the Lord to walk us through it. We do not want to compromise what we have learned for the sake of getting along with everyone. We want to integrate the truth into our lives and trust that the Lord will help us to maintain relationship in the process. After the positive response I got from the team that night, I put together an email with links to the articles and sent them to as many of my fellow interns as possible. My core leaders also said that they would be using the information in pastoring future interns in their closing connection meetings. Thank you God!
Not only did God send the right message at the right time, but in His abundant grace He went a step further. A group of friends have formed a "re-entry team" on my behalf. They have scanned the concepts of re-entry and committed to praying for me during the transition (which could take 6-12 months), as well as being there for me when I need to talk or cry or vent or tell stories that only I think are funny. By having a team of people around me who are aware of the season I am in, the transition will be even smoother. Even in my new found awareness, I can't possibly know the range of emotions or obstacles I might face. But the Lord of Hosts know all things and He is making a way for me. He is the Good Shepherd and I lack nothing. He is not only interested in bringing wisdom and revelation into my life, He is interested in protecting the seeds that He has planted so that they can be nurtured and brought to fruition.

diligence

2011-06-21T14:49:00.005-04:00

"If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us; like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." - CS Lewis

The entries in my journal for the past three weeks have had a common theme: a deep desire to remain diligent. Living here at IHOP the past 6 months has been like a true oasis and a breath of fresh air. It has been water for my thirsty soul. The discipline of the program and the Holy Spirit have given me the boundaries necessary to stay on track. I now find that I am afraid of being left to my own devices, so to speak, and the barrage of distractions that await me. I feel exhausted really for the first time since I got here and have felt myself wanting to pull away from many things. I have had a tough time certain days staying engaged in the program and sticking to my commitment to the fasted lifestyle. I don't want to go back to the way that I was; settling for lesser things, wasting my time on frivolous pursuits. Even in this place I don't feel like I have my personal life structured or disciplined enough.
The truth is that I have come a long way. Sanctification is a life long process. My own twisted sense of perfectionism wants the work to be complete. I no longer want to struggle with all of the issues that have been brought to the surface and revealed to me through His kindness and gentle mercy. But what has really happened in the past 6 months is that while I have been set free of so many things, ultimately the point is awareness. The Father has made me aware of the snares of the enemy and given me the grace to stand against him in my authority as a believer. Temptations never cease, they just get more subtle. The Father has given me confidence in my identity in Him and in the calling He has placed on my heart. It is with these tools that I will be able to continue to stand and walk in obedience. It is by continuing to behold Him as in a mirror with unveiled face that I will become more and more like Him. He will complete the work He has begun in me. So in my voluntary weakness, though I get frustrated and doubtful, and see the lack that still exists in my soul, I will say "Jesus, I trust your leadership." I will rest in His promise that His strength will be made perfect in my weakness. And I will pray:
"God help me. I want to be intentional about how I spend my time. I want to stay in the Word. I want to give myself to prayer. I want to stay connected intimately to Your heart. I do not want to be dull with the things of this world. I want to be fascinated by You. I have tasted and I have seen and I cannot go back to the way things were. I want to be a bright and shining lamp, one who is on fire for You. I want to glorify Your Name and make Your Name known every where I go. I want to serve You, and serve Your children whom You love. I want to do things that matter and that last unto the Day of Your appearing. I want to walk in the fullness of Your plan for my life. I want to operate in the fullness of my identity in You. Strengthen my weak heart. Anoint my weak words. Bless my weak attempts. I cannot accomplish one of these things without You. I choose to walk in weakness before you so that Your strength can be made perfect in me and that You will be glorified. Lead me. All power and authority has been given unto You, Jesus. Amen."
Although this is the final week of Intro to IHOP and the program is almost complete, I am still a work in progress. This is only the beginning of the next chapter in my journey. It is my hope that with each turn of the page of my story the Lord will be glorified more and more.
"I want to be well pleasing to You on the Day that I stand before You. I want to be well pleasing to You, so I make it my aim in all I do."

the miracle of the missing mini-notebook...

2011-05-27T13:47:00.003-04:00

I love being able to share this testimony to the power of God.

A couple of weeks ago on a Friday morning, I consciously made the decision to leave my mini-notebook computer in my room. Normally I take it everywhere I go. But on this day, I knew that the schedule was intense and I would not even have a moment to open it. So I left it lying on my bed, where I had been using it to listen to the prayer room while getting ready for class.

When I returned home around 10:30 pm, I began clearing things off of my bed so I could go to sleep. I realized that the computer was not sitting there and began looking for it. It was no where to be found, though the cord and the slipcover were still sitting there. I went downstairs, walked through the house looking around, and then asked Amy if she had seen it. It was not downstairs either. I went back to my room and looked again. It was definitely gone.

For the previous couple weeks Amy and Stan had been having the house painted; mostly outside, but the deal also included the inside foyer. That day Amy had paid them and they had packed everything up, even though they were supposed to return on Saturday for some touch up work. We quickly realized that one of the painters must have taken it, and since there was only 1 in the house that day, we knew which one.

Amy stopped payment on her check and Stan started calling and texting the two men who had been working on the house. To protect the "not-so-innocent", we will name our painters Bert and Ernie. Bert was hired for the job, and he asked his brother-in-law, Ernie, to help him out.

On that fateful Friday, Bert had been painting the foyer and hallway in front of the bedrooms. Amy gave Bert the check, and he and Ernie cleaned up all of the equipment and left. They deposited Amy's check into Ernie's bank, and Ernie went ahead and gave Bert his half, even though the check hadn't actually cleared. Ernie was the only one who returned Stan's messages, and it was quickly obvious that he knew nothing about it. He was upset that the check would not go through, especially since he had basically just paid Bert out of his own pocket. Stan told him that unless the computer was returned he would not issue a new check. So Ernie started working on my behalf to secure the computer, even though Bert hadn't even admitted taking it yet. I started praying and left it in the Lord's hands.

Monday was my day off, so I took the time to speak to a police officer and make a report of the theft. He agreed that we should continue to pursue Ernie since he was trying to be helpful and he would call him as well to encourage him to talk to Bert on my behalf. Ernie finally got a confession out of Bert when he told him that the laptop was only worth maybe $350 brand new, maybe $100 if he pawned it. He said "It' only worth $350??" and Ernie had his proof. Ernie offered to go and pick up the computer and bring it to me, because Bert had also confessed to having open warrants out for his arrest already. By 6:00 Monday evening, 3 days after the theft, Ernie was back on our doorstep with the computer in hand.

But wait! There's more!!

When I opened the computer to make sure that it was ok, there was a strange password screen on it. My password didn't work. I didn't panic because Stan is an IT Guru, and I figured he could fix it for me. So I handed Ernie the new check and thanked him for his help. A few minutes later Stan came to take a look at it, and he said that a "bios password" (I'm not sure of spelling, nor definition!) had been intentionally placed on the hard drive to keep me out of it. We had to get that information from Bert to get it open. Stan contacted Ernie and said that if he didn't get the password that he was going to cancel the second check.

When Ernie called Bert, Bert denied ever even opening the computer. There was no way, however, that it happened any other way. This is where the other half of the miracle comes into play. Ernie asked someone in their relational sphere and they happened to know that Bert used a particular password on several online accounts. Ernie let us know what it was, and it was exactly the right password! Seriously, this all happened in about 20 minutes time after I got the computer back. Basically, Bert had put the password on the computer to be hateful. Bert probably would have never given it up! It was by the Sovereign hand of God that we got the right password on the first try. I opened the computer and everything else was intact.

In my thank you note to Ernie, I let him know that I was a missionary in town for training and that the computer had been a gift to aid me in ministry. I looked up the definition of his name, and in Hebrew it means Faithful and Bold, so I shared that with him and that I believed God used him to bring justice to my circumstance. I let him know how much it meant to me that he had the courage and boldness to retrieve the computer, to look me in the eye and to apologize for something he hadn't even done. I had the opportunity speak life and encouragement into this man that I didn't even know. Stan also agreed to not pro-rate the check and allow Ernie to finish the job. Ernie was shown a measure of mercy from Stan, myself, and the police officer that is supernatural and can only happen through the grace of God.

I give God the glory for orchestrating this entire event. He heard my cry for Him to make the wrong things right, and He gave me the opportunity to testify to the goodness of His Name in the process.

where is the time going?

2011-05-21T16:55:00.003-04:00

It's the middle of May. That means I have like 5 weeks left in Track 2. Where has the time gone?

Track 2 has been a whirlwind. The schedule has been even more intense than Track 1, but it feels completely different. Somehow I feel busier and more relaxed at the same time. It was rough to deal with the changes in our core teams and leadership, but we continue to be a family.

The past 10 days we have been honored to have a Bible Teacher from England with us. His name is David Pawson and has written more than 30 books, including a commentary called "Unlocking the Bible". I highly recommend checking him out in the archives. He is quite possibly one of the best and most clear Bible teachers I have ever heard. He did 26 messages while he was here, including 14 talks on the Uniqueness of Jesus Christ and the Glory of HisStory, as well as several messages of the End Times. Leadership completely rearranged our schedule so we would have the opportunity to attend as many of the seminars as possible and it was amazing. It helps that he is an adorable old British gentlemen that is so fun to listen to!

We have been serving in the Prophecy and Healing Rooms on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It has been an incredible blessing. I was scared to death initially and have realized in the past several weeks that God as done a mighty work in my heart and mind. I am so honored to be able to pour the encouragement, edification, and exhortation of God's heart into people's lives (I Cor. 14:3). I have been so touched as I have seen the light come on in their eyes as they realize that the Creator of the Universe has something precious to say about them. I am also serving on Tuesday nights as an assistant leader in the Pure Heart (inner healing) ministry on Tuesday nights with the current Track 1 group. The program had so much impact on me and I love now being able to see others find freedom. I have graduated from a yellow vest to a blue vest in the weekend services, which means we take turns now as the ministry team instead of ushering. We are also taking turns serving at Hope City, the inner city prayer room, as ministry teams and serving food. It is all such a privilege.

During all this time I have been going before the Lord and asking Him to clarify my next steps as I am preparing to move to Michigan. He has been so gracious to hear my questions and my desires. I had one of the best birthdays I have ever had, starting the morning with a birthday gift of revelation from God on some of the questions on my heart. He continues to speak to me through teaching, "random" conversations, homework assignments, and prayers. I am looking forward to what the Lord has in store for me and will live each day in expectancy.

a day in the life of an intern...

2011-04-17T15:08:00.007-04:00

When I signed up for this internship I only had a skeleton of an outline, a whisper of what we were actually going to be doing here. I just knew that God was drawing; me to this place that He was giving me the desire to shed as much of "the world" as possible. I was hungering for simplicity and a deep encounter. I didn't feel like I could truly hear the Lord through the fog of my job, my activities, my busyness... I felt the need to shed it all and didn't have the discipline to do it. When people would ask me what I would be doing, it as hard to describe anything since I didn't truly know. I knew that there would be time in the prayer room and time in class. I used words like "sabbatical" and "fasted lifestyle" but I didn't really have language for what I was stepping into. I felt very strongly that it would be a place of preparation for the next step, which is missions.

So here was my schedule in Track 1:

Sunday

10:30-1:30 - Work with 4-5 year-olds in the Children's Equipping Center

2:00-6:00 - Prayer Room

Monday

Sabbath - off except for staff meetings the 4th Monday of each month

Tuesday

8:45-9:30 - Worship/ministry time as a group

9:45-11:45 - Core Teaching (Subjects like "Tools for the Prayer Room", The Gifts of the Holy Spirit, Forgiveness, Adoption, Sermon of the Mount Lifestyle, Fasting, etc.)

1:00-5:00 - Prayer Room

6:30-9:30 - Pure Heart (Inner healing and restoration through the Holy Spirit)

Wednesday

8:45-9:30 - Worship

9:45-11:45 - Core Teaching

1:00-5:00 - Prayer Room (Team 4 ushers 3-5)

6:00-8:30 - Life Group (small group meetings)

Thursday

8:45-9:30 - Worship

9:45-11:45 - Core Teaching

1:00-4:00 - Prayer Room

4:00-5:30 - Team 4 Briefing

9:00-10:00 - Prayer for Detroit at the Prayer Room (optional)

Friday

8:45-9:30 - Worship

9:45-11:45 - Revelation teaching

1:00-4:00 - Justice Prayer Room (training on Apostolic Prayers and prayer leading on the mic)

6:00-10:00 - Encountering God Service (Worship, Ministry, Preaching)

Saturday

Noon-5:00 - Prayer Room

6:00-10:00 - Forerunner Christian Fellowship Church Service(Team 4 ushering every 3rd week)

Some will look at this schedule and laugh out loud at the sheer lunacy. Some will look at it and love the idea of that much time in the before the Lord. I admit, looking at the schedule in the beginning I did not know how I was going to do it all. All I knew is that I needed to jump in with both feet and fully give myself over to everything He had for me. I am so glad that I did. I wake up in the morning with worship songs on my lips and in my heart. Instead of 4 hours of TV a day I might see 4 hours in a week. I have given up secular music and secular radio. I seriously the other day forgot the name of an artist I used to love when I heard his song at the bowling alley. It took me 24 hours to remember his name. I have found so much freedom and have made so much more room for Jesus in my life. And it is God who wooed me and then gave me the grace to do it. The fog has lifted and I can hear His voice, see His Spirit move so much more clearly than before. He has also opened my eyes to the schemes of the Enemy. It has never been a matter of what is permissible for me, but what is beneficial. What am I willing to let go of to be able to walk in deeper communion with my Beloved? What voices need to be silenced in my life so I can be free to think on the things that move His heart? When I turned away from the things that I used to entertain and amuse myself I realized that the pleasures of God are far superior to what I was settling for on a daily basis. I also realized that I was being influenced negatively in my thoughts and beliefs because the voices of the world that I was listening to were severely contrary to the Truth. And there lies the entire point. It is the will of the enemy to cloud our minds with so much garbage that we live in a state of fog and delusion, unable to walk in the power of the Holy Spirit that is intended for those who bear His Image. We keep justifying and reasoning in our search for freedom from legalism and religious bondage and work ourselves right into another prison. The other ditch, as Pastor Steve would call it. I am learning that there is so much that I have been missing, and so much that He wants to say to me. In this state of voluntary weakness and fasting the things that are permissible but not beneficial, I am being qualified and brought into my true identity and purpose in Christ. I honestly do not recognize myself in the mirror any longer. And it's to God I give the glory, for setting me on the path, giving me the grace to do it, and then rewarding me with His presence.

And now, in Track 2, I will be able to see how He is going to move me in these things that I have been learning. I have been hidden in the cleft of the rock while He passes His glory by me. It is a privilege that I do not take lightly.

life siege

2011-04-11T16:58:00.008-04:00

I am blessed by the kindness of God; that He will reveal truth to our heart in the attempt to draw us into agreement with Him, and that by agreeing with Him we are drawn into a deeper intimacy with His Son. He calls us to obey Him, gives us the grace to do so, and then rewards us for doing it. What kind of system is that? In His mercy and perfect sovereignty He has made a way for us to come into His presence and to put on the righteousness of His Son, Jesus. When He moves us in conviction it is a gift, an invitation to grow closer to Him. He corrects those whom He loves (Hebrews 12:5-6).

I am also amazed at how easily we can go astray, how often we can slip into deception. The darkness in this world is not just a result of the Fall. It is crafted and designed by the Enemy who detests us; the one who hates all those who are Image-bearers. The evil things in the world are not just part of the equation, they are schemes to keep us from entering into the New Jerusalem, to keep us from knowing and operating in our true Identity in Christ. God has chosen to partner with man and the last thing that Satan wants to see happen is a successful union between us and His Son as a pure and spotless Bride. So for those of us who are living in a relationship with Christ and working against committing visible sin, the scheme of the enemy has to be much more subtle. Our true history with God is found in our thought life.

One of the first things that God put His finger on in my life when I got to KC was the issue of abortion. I have never believed that abortion was acceptable. I believe that life begins at conception and only God has the right to make the decision on whether a fetus is viable or not. (Deut. 30:19, Psalm 139:13-16, Jeremiah 1:5) I was, however, guilty of apathy towards the fact that it was legal and there was nothing we could do about it. In that line of thought I also began to believe that possibly in some cases like rape or incest that it would be acceptable. It was hard for me to imagine the pain of going through a pregnancy and bringing a child into the world that only reminds you of the tragedy you suffered. The child would be unwanted and possibly even suffer neglect. I want to share with you what changed my mind.

Sometime in the first couple weeks of class I was listening to the Prophetic History of IHOP. It is a series of messages by Mike Bickle that share how the Lord moved him to start this ministry and how the Lord has moved over the years to bring us to this point. As I was sitting on my bed listening to the MP3 and taking notes, Mike made a comment on the issue of legalized abortion that completely rocked my world. I curled into the fetal position, shaking and crying uncontrollably and I repented before the Lord.

Bob Jones is a Prophet that the Lord brought into Mike Bickle's life to help direct him in the way he should go in starting this 24/7 prayer movement. In August 1975, 2 years after Roe v. Wade, Bob received a word from the Lord to prophesy against abortion. Soon after, he was visited by a demon who told him that if he spoke out against abortion that he would kill him. Bob spoke out against abortion the next day and started hemorrhaging internally and almost died. I am really shortening the story, but this is just the background. Mike then spoke about abortion being an assignment of the enemy to kill the end-time messengers; the forerunners who will prepare the way for the Lord's return in the last days. Satan put it into Pharoah's heart to kill the first born sons of Israel to try and snuff out the God's promised deliverer, Moses. He also put it in Herod's heart to kill the male infants after he heard of Jesus' birth from the wise men, in an attempt to kill the rightful King of the Jews and Messiah. The enemy knows that the Lord is raising up a John the Baptist Generation, who will rise up from the wilderness and usher in the return of the Messiah. Abortion is not just another bad thing that we have come up with that contrary to God's heart. It is a blatant scheme of Satan to root out God's forerunner messengers, and in this day and age, aimed very specifically at the Black Community because of their destiny to bring forth worship and song in the end time generation. (Kushites mentioned in Isaiah 18:7). The truth of this revelation has moved me to draw that line in the sand. It has snapped me out of my delusion and apathy. Legalized abortion must end. We must take it seriously and we must dedicate time to pray against it politically and for God to move on the hearts of women. I no longer believe that it is acceptable in any case. I trust that the Lord of Creation can take the obedience of one's heart and heal not only the wound from the tragedy that has befallen them but also protect the life He has created. Trying to erase one tragedy or even one mistake with another one only heaps more tragedy on our head.

This is a controversial and hard issue to take a stand on. The enemy's roots run deep in the heart of man. The deception on conception is strong. But let me leave you with a few thoughts:

Legalizing abortion did not decrease the death rate of women dying in the procedure.

Less than 1% of abortions are done for rape or incest victims.

Planned Parenthood was started by Margaret Sanger, and launched into black and minority communities with a Black Genocide intention.

Our carelessness and the 4000 babies who are aborted everyday is actually decreasing the population, mostly in the African American community. 35% of abortions are done on black women and they only make up about 12% of the population. In the past 20 years, the Latino population in the US has gone from 10% to 15%. The black population has actually decreased to 11%.

Children bring prosperity and blessing and bolster the economy and increase ingenuity. God blessed the people of his covenant with descendants. The social and economic problems that we have cannot be solved with murder and are in fact only made worse. It is true that if we would save 4000 babies a day we would have a surplus of unwanted children that would fall into a broken foster care system. It is my conviction that the Church needs to step up not only in prayer, but also in fostering and adoption. God has given His Church the mandate to care for the orphaned and unfortunate ones (James 1:27). If we were all doing our part, the problems would be lessened, and God's would be glorified in the process. The truth is that the Word of the Lord will prevail. It will run swiftly. The Church will come into agreement with His heart and we will win.

On a Saturday afternoon in February over 100 people from the IHOP community went to a local Planned Parenthood location and stood on the sidewalk and prayed. We did not speak or picket, but covered our mouths with red duct tape, stood shoulder to shoulder, and prayed for a solid hour for the ending of abortion. It's called a Life Siege. It was the first time I had ever taken any kind of physical stand on the issue before. A friend who rode with me to and from the prayer meeting said it best. She said "I feel like I have driven a stake in the ground today." I have driven a stake in the ground; marked the place where I have come into agreement with the heart of God for His children and started to take action on behalf of those who do not have a voice.

a peek into the journal...

2011-03-17T16:22:00.003-04:00

This is my journal entry from January 23rd. While sitting in the prayer room, we were praying:

Song of Solomon 1:2-3

"Let Him kiss me with the kisses of His mouth, for His kisses are better than wine. Because the fragrance of Your perfume is lovely, Your name is like the perfume that is poured out and this is why Your people love you."

and singing:

"You bring restoration to my soul. You've taken my pain and you call me by a new name, You've taken my shame, and in its place you give me joy. You give me joy!"

"You take my mourning and turn it into dancing. You take my weeping and turn it in to laughing. You take my mourning and turn it into dancing. You take my sadness and turn it into joy. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! You make all things new!"

And then the Lord spoke to me and said:

"It may be Winter here now, but this is a time of Spring for your heart. I am going to speak things into your life; whisper things into your ear that are going to be with you until the end of the age. I will take your weeping and turn it into joy. This season is for you, beloved, to know Me like you have have never known before. Everything that I have been pouring into your heart and life for the past 35 years were for this purpose; that you would know the sound of My voice when you hear it and that you would know to come to this place. This is what I have for you, this is the beginning of the rest of your journey with Me. I will bring restoration to everything that you thought was lost, all things that are damaged will be made new. You are the apple of My eye and the love of My heart. I am Good, you do not need to fear me or the future I have for you. I have prepared you for such a time as this. Seek Me out and you will find me, in every place you look. I will give you the sight that you have asked Me for and I will send you to speak into the lives of many. Keep pressing into Me and I will place My heart in yours. You will be like a well watered garden that I can come and rest in."

Since that day God has been revealing more and more of His heart while digging deeper and deeper into mine. He has brought up things from my past and shown me specifically where He marked me as a Forerunner and how these things that He has placed in my path were for this end. He has also been faithful to gently point out the things that are standing in the way of me becoming all that He has created me to be. In these things He gives me hope that He can remove all that hinders love. He has assured me that He is preparing in me a message and that He is entrusting me with His heart for the world. I am undone by the glory of the Lord and the kindness of His heart towards me. Blessed be the Name of the Lord Most High. He is an all consuming fire.

IHOP-KC Internships

2011-03-16T15:46:00.000-04:00

healing

2011-03-03T15:46:00.005-05:00

A few months before I left for Kansas City, I started having pretty intense headaches every day. While I am used to tension headaches in the back of my head and neck/shoulders, these headaches were more in my face and jaw. So while I still had insurance, I decided to see the eye doctor and get a check up in case I needed new glasses. I also made an appointment with the dentist for the first time in like 18 years. (I know, it sounds totally gross and irresponsible, but I had some bad experiences with dentists as an adolescent and I have spent most of my adult life without insurance.) So I got new glasses first, but the headaches continued, so I went to the dentist. Fortunately I only had one cavity and the dentist was shocked at how healthy my mouth and teeth were. Thank the Lord for good genes! I was worried that something was wrong with my wisdom teeth, because I had never had them removed. But I did mention the headaches to the dentist, and she said that she would guess that it was due to sensitivity. My roots were exposed because my gums were recessed in some areas due to brushing too hard. She said it would bring sensitivity to temperature and sweets. This she says to the girl who has to have ice cold drinks, chews on ice, and has a major sweet tooth!

This revelation led me to do some experiments with different things to see if they brought on the pain and headaches, and it seemed to be true. So I bought some Sensydine toothpaste and tried to watch the temperature of my drinks. It didn't make too much difference. Something as simple as breathing in cold air outside caused me pain, so there was not a lot I could do to keep the headaches from happening.

I spend a lot of time in the prayer room and in worship services that are as loud as being at a rock concert. 32 hours a week to be exact. These headaches brought on by cold air or cold water, or sugar or whatever were only intensified in these worship settings. It was like my teeth were sensitive to the sound too. There were seriously certain guitar strummings and noises that set my teeth on edge like nails on a blackboard. You can imagine what this did for my focus. I started wearing ear plugs in these services, which a lot of people in this community do, for protection of my ears and to keep the noise from intensifying these headaches. The ear plugs, while helpful and a good idea for people who are consistently exposed to these decibels, made me feel even more disconnected with what was going on around me. I could still hear everything but in a muffled way that made it possible for me to totally disengage with what was going on and just read or study. Needless to say I was getting very frustrated. I knew in my heart that this was not God's will for me to come all this way to focus on Him and then not be able to focus on Him!

We spend a lot of time everyday praying for the healing of the sickness in our bodies. I sometimes struggle with asking for healing because I have the "there is always someone worse off than me" syndrome. But I have seen more people healed in the short times I have been at IHOP than I have ever seen in my whole life so I KNOW that Jesus is healing. One morning during the worship and ministry time before class, the leadership asked for anyone who needed healing in their bodies to raise their hands. I was finally done with struggling, so I raised my hands. This was the first week of February. One of my fellow interns came to pray for me. When I opened my eyes, I knew who it was and it was significant who God brought to pray with me. (I will share more about that in a minute.) So she asked me what I was praying for and I said that I have sensitive teeth that cause headaches. She asked if it hurt to even breath in through my mouth and I said yes. She prayed over me for healing for several minutes, and I felt the Lord telling me that he was going to heal me. I felt a peace. When she was finished praying for me, I looked at her and told her why God had led her to pray with me...

One morning early in the internship I had sat next to this same girl, Kelli, during class. During prayer time, we broke into to small groups to pray for a specific thing. About 5 of us sitting there together stood up in a circle and held hands to pray. While we were praying I felt my right hand get really hot as I was holding Kelli's hand. It was just my right hand so I knew it was significant. I heard the Lord telling me that there was healing in her hands. After we sat down and I thought about how I was going to tell her about it, the Lord even told me that she was going to say that her hands were always cold. I wanted so much to share this word of encouragement with her. But I didn't even know her! I was so afraid that I was hearing wrong or that she wouldn't receive the word that I completely chickened out and didn't tell her.

So now, here we are 2-3 weeks later and she is standing in front of me praying for MY healing. The unmistakable Sovereignty of God was staring me right in the face. So I told her what I had heard from the Lord about her and the gift of healing that was in her hands, and it was a very moving moment and a huge source of encouragement for her. I even told her "Your hands are usually always cold, aren't they?" and she said yes. I told her that the Lord had revealed that to me too. It was confirmation of her faithfulness to believe in praying for healing, and confirmation for me that I can hear the word of the Lord and that it will be received. Kelli told me that she wanted to pray for me again the next morning and I told her that would be awesome. Since I didn't have a headache right then it was not evident if the healing had taken place yet.

So I felt better that day in the prayer room, and didn't have a headache, but still noticed sensitivity and occasional pain. So Kelli prayed for me the next morning, and after she prayed she told me a story about someone else's testimony that God healed a women's sensitivity. She said that the problem with her was that her gums had receded and God grew her gums back. I laughed out loud because I had not told Kelli that this was the reason my teeth were sensitive. At that point we were both convinced that God was moving! She encouraged me to praise God with my mouth every time I brushed my teeth and just ask Him to fill my mouth with His praises and His words. I found this to be such a blessing and actually remembered to do it every time. When I shared with Kelli a couple of times about my progress she told me that ever since I had shared with her about the heat in her hands, she had noticed that her hands had been warm more often than cold.

I received more prayer about it later in the week, and God actually removed pain while I was standing in His presence and had people laying hands on me. From that night on, for about 3 weeks now, I have not had any pain at all due to sensitivity or tension, and have not had a single headache in the prayer room or evening services! If that is not enough, I fully believe that God is growing my gums back into a healthy place, because I can see a difference in them. PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW! He has defeated the Enemy who would have me distracted and incapable of hearing the Lord speak into my life! Lord, you are good and your mercies endureth forever. I am looking forward to testifying of the healing power of Jehovah Rapha, our Healer God, to my dentist when I go in for a check-up in a few months!

snow, study, snow, study....fasting?

2011-02-02T18:41:00.007-05:00

We have had 2 snow days this week with the onslaught of between 8 and 10 inches of the wicked white stuff. Since Monday was our day off (Sabbath) that means we haven't met together for three days now. I miss my schedule and my fellow interns! I have been spending most of the time studying and working on assignments...I think I am about 2 weeks ahead of schedule now (lol). I feel blessed however, to be in a house full of people! It would have been a very lonely 3 days without my family! I am also blessed because I can tune into the Prayer Room anytime I want on the website IHOP.ORG. I highly recommend it because it provides an amazing backdrop to quiet time with the Lord and reading the Word.

The book I just finished reading is called The Rewards of Fasting by Mike Bickle and Dana Candler. This book has challenged me deeply. One of the things that drew me here in the first place was the emphasis on living a fasted lifestyle before the Lord. Hunger - spiritual, emotional, physical - is an escort to deeper things with Jesus. My views of a fasted lifestyle included trying to break free of consumerism, media addiction, and skipping a few meals in pursuit of intimacy with my Creator. While that is a good start, I have discovered that it is much more than this.

Bickle and Candler lay out what it means to live a fasted lifestyle based on the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew chapter 5.

"What is this lifestyle? Jesus defined it as embracing godly attitudes (Matt. 5), as we give ourselves to prayer and the Word of God, with fasting, giving, and serving others Matt. 6)....What does this lifestyle look like in our day to day existence, and just how do we walk in voluntary weakness so that God's power my be perfected in our lives? There are five types of 'fasting' described in the Sermon on the Mount We fast food, time, energy, money and words (Matt. 6:1-18) ....By giving, we fast our money and financial strength. In serving and prayer, we are fasting our time and energy. Blessing our enemies requires that we fast our words and reputation. In giving up food, we are fasting our physical and emotional strength."

This is only a very brief synopsis of the heart of this message. There is more to chew on than I can possibly blog. But I can share some of things that are on my heart after having finished reading the book today. First of all, this is completely contradictory to our society. "Going without" is not a phrase most Americans are familiar with at all. And before I get too self-righteous about being a Christian (in the world but not OF the world, right?) I have to place myself in the same category as everyone else. Comfort is king. Food is a god. Media is is paramount. All of these things while being good gifts from a good Father, have been placed on a much higher shelf than they should be.

And let's talk about food for a minute...it's all we think about. During church we are trying to decide where we're going to lunch. At work we are trying to decide what new or favorite restaurants we are going to go to over the weekend. We need chocolate to get through a stressful day at work, alcohol to shake off a bad week, comfort food while we grieve, party food while we celebrate....the whole concept of live to eat vs. eat to live has really hit home in this moment. Fasting food is a Biblical principle that most of us choose to ignore or have never been taught to adhere to...the thought of denying ourselves anything is foreign to us. Let's be honest, the thought of giving up food a couple of days a week makes us angry! The tragic thing is that we are missing a key component to intimacy with Jesus and the empowerment of the Holy Spirit in our lives. In our weakness He is made strong in our lives, but we don't really want to test that theory, not for real. I am preaching to myself here!

Media and entertainment has lured us into a virtually comatose state. I always have music or TV on somewhere. How can I hear the Lord over all that? I give to financially my church and to great causes, but do I ever really give until it hurts? A woman in the inner city testified last week that she had $10 in her pocket and $750 in bills due that week. She was at church and met someone going to a mission field of some sort. She felt the Lord nudging her to give the last $10 she had to this person. With a prayer, she obeyed. The following morning someone in her church handed her a check for $750 and said that the Lord had told them that she needed it. THAT is the kind of miracle and blessing we are missing out on when we don't live a fasted lifestyle before the Lord, sacrificing what we have for the glory of His Kingdom. And let's not even talk right now about "fasting our words and reputation" which means not saying anything negative about our "enemies" and not defending or promoting ourselves. The Lord wants to reveal Himself and the mysteries and secrets of His heart to His children, but we aren't listening. We're too busy self-medicating with all of these things to hear His voice.

All that being said, this cannot be entered into in a religious or legalistic manner. Living a fasted lifestyle before the Lord is not a formula for self-righteousness or blessing. It needs to be entered into with a heart of lovesickness for more of Jesus, our Bridegroom. Our only motivation should be to see Him more clearly and to love Him more dearly. Just because I read this book and have been made aware of some things in my life that need some adjustment, doesn't mean that I know how to do this. It will only be by the grace and mercy of God that I can make the changes necessary to place myself at His feet like Mary of Bethany.

(If some of this sounded harsh, I apologize. Trust me, the harshness was me kicking myself. It is not indicative of how the Lord is dealing with me. He has shown nothing but loving kindness to me in my shortcomings.)

And so I pray, Lord, I will not be content until my heart is burning with revelation so that I may live differently.

revelation

2011-01-20T10:49:00.004-05:00

We open every morning with worship and prayer before our core teaching session begins. First of all, this is not your typical singing worship songs and prayer. This is prophetic worship and ministry time. People get words of prophecy, healing and deliverance every time we go before the Lord in worship. This is the best part of the day.

Yesterday morning we were singing and praying and one of the directors had a word from the Lord about a woman in the internship who had a specific calling, she had dedicated her life to ministry at about the age of 13-14 at church camp...um yeah, that was me. I raised my hand and people sitting around me came to pray for me, and the director prayed over me. Two women praying over me heard from the Lord that there was a spirit of rejection on me. I agreed and we prayed through that and I was delivered from that bondage. It was the most amazing feeling of relief. The director had been praying over me as well, encouraging me that I had not missed it, that I had been faithful and God was still preparing me to fulfill that destiny.

After the core teaching time, we were asked to fill out some paperwork for a program calling Pure Heart. It is an inner healing and purity covenant course we will be starting in February. On the form there was a checklist of things we were to mark if we were (or ever had been) struggling with them. One of the issues was suicidal thoughts. I had struggled for a short time with suicidal thoughts when I was freshman in high school. It hit me that it was August before my freshman year that I was at campmeeting and consecrated my future to God and felt the call to missions, and it was that first semester in high school that I was struggling with depression and dealing with suicidal thoughts until about Christmas time. The enemy had an assignment against my life! I had never made this connection before that I can remember. God had specific plans for my life and the enemy was trying to destroy them.

This means several things to me. It first of all means that God delivered me out of this trap. Through a faithful friend who reached out for help for me by contacting my youth pastor, and through the ministry of the Holy Spirit directly to my heart, the Lord looked out for me and did not allow me to be overcome.

Next it means that I was not only worth fighting against, I was worth fighting for. The enemy felt that I was significant enough to bother trying to trap. But more importantly, this thing that God has called me to is important enough for Him to bring to completion. I have been hearing a lot from Him while I have been here about my worth, my place in the Kingdom, the importance of fulfilling my destiny in Christ...and going back to this place of discovery when I was only 14 years old has allowed me to see that I haven't missed it. He knitted me together in my mother's womb and has been molding me and shaping me to be a Forerunner ever since. This is the place where it all starts to come together, where I find the boldness and freedom and intimacy that I need to walk out my destiny in Jesus Christ. I am in awe because I am not worthy in my own rite, but only because of the blood of the Lamb. I am honored to have a part to play in His Kingdom. And I am grateful to have another insight into how He has been working all things together for my good.

week one: it's new day, it's a new dawn, and I'm feelin'...good...

2011-01-16T16:41:00.002-05:00

I want to chronicle my time in Kansas City so badly but I don't even know where to begin or how to process everthing that's already happened.... I haven't even been here a full week yet, but I was packing this time last Sunday. I had to say a LOT of goodbyes. All of my previous missionary training came in handy in that respect; I learned the importance of saying good-bye and taking the time to do it right. Leaving, even if its only for a little while, is hard enough to process without having unfinished business left behind. Little things have a tendency to blow up into major things in a new "culture" or setting. It was important to me to make sure that my friends and family knew how much I loved and appreciated them before I left. God has used so many people in my life to help shape me and make me who I am today. He used His faithful to speak into my life and help me overcome the obstacles along the way. For that I am grateful. I have an amazing support system at home and it is by Divine design.

I left Monday January 10 for Lee's Summit, Missouri. I drove about 8 hours before I hit the snow storm that was moving my direction. I stopped outside St Louis for the night to avoid the snow. About five inches fell that night while I was sleeping. When I got back on to I70 the roads had been cleared, but there were cars and trucks abandoned in the ditches and medians pretty much the entire way to Kansas City. Thank the Lord for his protection and for His Spirit who guided me to stop for the night.

Tuesday I made it to my cousin's home round 1:30 PM. Amy and her husband Stan live near KC in Lee's Summit. I have found that it is literally 12-15 minutes from everywhere I need to be. I am so thankful for their willingness to adopt me into their home and family. It is so nice to be with extended family since I am so far from home. I have been having fun getting to know her children TJ, Joella, and Garrett, and even their pets, Cash, Fanny and Pancake. Amy and I were able to spend a couple of days together shopping and running errands and having lunch together before the Internship officially started on Friday 1/14.

The internship...I have never in my life been so overwhelmed by the presence of God. The clarity of Him drawing me to this place is staggering. I am so full up right now with praise and adoration for the work of His hand that I can hardly bear it. In three short days I have already learned so much about my identity in Christ...all I want is more. More of Him, more of His Word, more of His presence and power in my life...THIS is what I was created for. Everything this world has to offer pales in comparison to true intimacy with Him. I have only yet had a taste of what He wants to do in my life when I look at how He worked to bring me here. I can not wait to see what I will look like in 12 weeks. And speaking of 12 weeks, there is a track 2 in this internship that is another 12 weeks. I am already praying that God will make it possible for me to stay the full 6 months. I have no doubt that if it's His will that He will make it happen. The financial miracles I have seen and have been hearing about from my fellow interns have been astounding.

This is just the tip of the iceberg...I promise to post more later as I process through the things I have been hearing from the Lord and as we dive in on Tuesday into our full schedule.

Considering current events...

2009-06-26T11:36:00.004-04:00

The past couple weeks have been tough in the entertainment world, losing 4 big names at once. Doesn't it usually happen in 3's? Anyway, with the loss of Kung Fu Master David Carradine, Jester Ed McMann, Angel Farrah Fawcett, and now the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, there is a lot of buzz out there. Every person's reactions are based on their opinion of the person who died, and the opinions are many! Of course the free thought is what makes this Country great, but I can't help but be saddened by some of them.

My personal opinion about MJ is that he was psychologically ill, but a genius in music. The world worshipped him, which is not OK with me, but his talent and impact on the music industry is something that cannot be denied. I loved his music. I remember listening to Thriller and Beat It on the playground on a friend's little cassette player and loving it. I still love it and have a lot of his #1's on my Crackberry. As far as the pedophile accusations, I lean towards not believing he was the monster he is accused of being. The accusers walked away with money instead of justice, that tells me that something was false. In my opinion, his childhood was destroyed by fame and the greed of his father, like SO many child actors and performers of that era. His family says that he was just child-like, loved children, and was trying to re-gain the childhood he never had. That coming from an adult man with psychological issues is often considered creepy. We will never know what truly happened, and now it's between him and God. It really only ever was.

Which leads to my sadness. I was at a Christian function when all of this with MJ was going down, and actually had someone say to me, referring to all the recent deaths, that "the gates of hell were busy this week". They were laughing, and I was in shock because it was coming out of the mouth of someone I have deep respect for and have known forever. How can it be funny? How can we know or judge where they are right now? I believe in hell. I believe we can choose to not live in relationship with God and that it has consequences in Eternity. I cannot however, know the heart of someone else at the moment of their death and say in jest or otherwise that they went to hell! We look at the celebrities today and the absolute mess that is plastered all over the media and assume there is no hope for them, that they are out of God's reach. (Which is a lie!) And then somehow we are not saddened or moved at the thought of someone spending an Eternity without the Presence of God. As a follower I have experienced times in my life where I have not felt His Presence because of the hardening of my heart; because of the path I had chosen. We all experience dry times and it is not pleasant. That is only a taste of what a world completely void of Him would be like. A world with no God filter? We cannot imagine this. The very thought makes me shudder! And yet we are ready to toss anyone who is not like us into such a place without batting an eye. I am thankful that He is the final Judge and knows the heart of each individual in life at the point of death. I am thankful that my Eternity does not rest in fickle human hands but in the Omniscient Creator.

I am guilty of joking about "going to hell" for things done by people. It's usually with a friend and I don't really believe they are going to hell. It's a lot less funny after the person has actually died, however. It's easy to think, oh they got what they deserved, but if that were true... if we all got what we deserved, we would all be screwed.

I am not in denial. From the outside it doesn't look like these people had any connection to God at all. But the bottom line is that I hope that God will give us a heart that sees people from His perspective, and gives the capacity to grieve when one of His children is lost. I do not want to be callous to the fate of immortal souls that are created in God's image. That judgemental superiority is one of the most effective barriers between followers and unbelievers. And by the grace of God, I refuse to add any bricks.

New pics of Baby Noah

2009-02-02T14:07:00.006-05:00

noah samuel pierce

2008-10-23T17:59:00.004-04:00

Isn't my new nephew gorgeous?

Here's the whole fam

cs lewis: on infection and the Trinity

2008-06-11T13:13:00.003-04:00

"And that, by the way, is perhaps the most important difference between Christianity and all other religions: that in Christianity God is not a static thing-not even a person-but a dynamic, pulsating activity, a life almost a kind of drama. Almost, if you will not think me irreverent, a kind of dance."

"And now, what does it all matter? It matters more than anything in the world. The whole dance, or drama, or pattern of this three Personal life is to be played out in each one of us: or (putting it the other way around) each one of us has got to enter that pattern, take his place in that dance. There is no other way to the happiness for which we were made. Good things as well as bad, you know, are caught by a kind of infection. If you want to get warm you must stand near the fire: if you want to be wet you get into the water. If you want joy, power, peace, eternal life, you must get close to, or even into, the thing that has them. They are not a sort of prize which God could, if He chose, just hand out to anyone. They are a great fountain of energy and beauty spurting up at the very centre of reality. If you are close to it, the spray will wet you: if you are not, you will remain dry. Once a man is united to God how could he not live forever? Once a man is separated from God, what can he do but wither and die?" CS LEWIS, Mere Christianity

The past year or so I have felt like I have been withering. And all of my own accord, I have to admit. It is I who needs to walk into the spray of the fountain. I found a letter I wrote to myself several years ago, 6 things to never forget. It reminded me of time when I was so close to the Heat source I was on FIRE. And yet close to the Fountain I was dripping wet. I guess Amy Grant knew what she was talking about when she sang about not always being able to be on the mountain top. I used to sit in my room with my 8 track player and sing along with her at the top of my lungs not having a clue really what she was saying.

It is a conscious decision to move closer. A crisis point that seems to come repeatedly in our lives as we forget sometimes what it takes to maintain a relationship with Him, or what it feels like to be moved by Him. Or what it's like when things are done in His power instead of our own. We read about the Israelites in the Wilderness and see and how quickly they forget. I saw Prince Caspian and saw how quickly the children dismissed their history with Aslan. We see such things and have a tendency to say what are they THINKING?? And yet I do the same thing over and over in my life. I couldn't even love Him if He didn't love me first. I couldn't even desire to know Him unless he placed it in my heart. The desire is definitely there, but is the discipline? There has to be a willingness to turn off the TV or the radio and listen for Him, communicate with Him. I have been trying to take advantage of those moments again, attempting to get close enough to the Source of everything I long to know and desire to be. I can feel Him blessing my efforts when I take those steps, when I willingly move into the dance...

Journey-Don't Stop Believing (ZOO BAND)

2007-12-06T18:19:00.002-05:00

Ok, Journey has hired a new lead singer. Who knew a guy from the Philipines could channel Steve Perry?

mere christianity

2007-11-09T14:39:00.000-05:00

Let's just start by saying CS Lewis was a genius. That being said, I have been reading his Mere Christianity. It should have been a requirement in college for any of my basic christian beliefs classes. Except it wasn't. Don't even get me started on that.

Here is one thing I have been chewing on this past week or so:

"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God." That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic--on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg--or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God; or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronising nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to."
That's deep. Thoughts?

home

2007-10-24T13:00:00.001-04:00

PC?

2007-09-12T09:36:00.001-04:00

Last Sunday Pastor Steve started a sermon series on the Tough Questions of Life and Faith. He made a comment that cracked me up, but no one else seemed to catch it. He was talking about Faith and being "politically correct" in America and he said "Today it isn't kosher to ask somebody about their religion".

Can anybody tell me what's wrong with that statement?? :)

war

2007-08-20T20:34:00.001-04:00

Jason Statham and Jet Li in a movie together?

Yes please.

you're going somewhere

2007-08-19T23:30:00.000-04:00

This past Friday night we had Desperate at Scott and Cheryl's house. Desperate is a time to get together as His Church and really seek God through worship, prayer, prophesy, and LISTENING. While I enjoyed the time, and was able to pray and seek God, I also struggled with focus. I had so much going through my head, so many concerns, that when it came time to pray for one another I didn't even know what to ask for. So I didn't ask for anything.

Sunday morning Susie, our associate pastor's wife, walked up to our friend Derek and started talking to him close by to where I was sitting. I heard him say "yeah, I think that's Shawna". She came over and said that she had been praying for our time together that Friday night and the Lord had given her a message for someone. Derek had felt I needed prayer that night but hadn't said anything. Once Susie talked to him, he realized he was right.

The first words Susie said were "You're going somewhere under God's Authority". She said that God had told her that it was not under the heavy hand of duty or obligation, but under His hand of love. I would not be forced to go, but that I would be passionate about going. Derek confirmed he was hearing the word passion and felt God's saying it was going to be restored. I knew right then that God was speaking to me because for the past few months I have started thinking about pursuing ministry again and moving to Michigan. In June I signed a shorter lease on my apartment. Several of the obstacles "holding me back" like a reliable car and some personal debt are both going to be taken care of soon. I began to see it as an open door to start stepping out in faith and believing that it was really going to happen this time.

There has been a myriad of emotions on this journey. Excitement, passion, doubt, fear, complacency... everything from "Am I ever going to get there?" to "Do I really have to go?" I have known my whole life I have a calling on my life but it's gets tougher as I get older to believe it will truly come to fruition.

In all honesty the most important part of God's word for me was

YOU ARE GOING SOMEWHERE.

Just hearing that gave me hope. It confirmed to me that I wasn't crazy or misinformed or mistaken. I had heard Him right, and I needed to trust His timing. But the blessing of knowing that I will be going under His Authority and in His Love is also important, because why else would I bother going?? It would be a waste of time.

God is good. Not always safe, but good. A friend of mine recently sent me an email about the recent transition in his life and said

"I was overwhelmed by His love and He left me with no wiggle room."

That's exactly what it's like. There comes a point when it's so obvious that He knows what's best that you just can't argue with Him or deny Him anymore. I can't deny how He feels about me, how much He loves me, or that He knows what is best for me. I am compelled to do what He leads me to do because of His love for me, and mine for Him. It is overwhelming, but not suffocating. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Thriller hits the Phillipines

2007-08-11T14:43:00.001-04:00

Dudes, that's a dude in that halter top. Some Phillipino Prison Warden has sick sense of humor. But at least I am entertained...

SpiderPig FULL version! (from simpsons movie)

2007-08-11T14:35:00.001-04:00

Ok, let's try this again. I can't stop laughing!

community

2007-07-18T10:57:00.000-04:00

So my father is OK. He finally was released to go back to work this week and is doing half days for now to get back into the swing of it. He's been off work since April 30. Thank God he has a great job with great benefits and extremely understanding superiors. His bosses even came to visit him in the hospital. It's a relief to see him back on track after the heart attack and the surgery. God has been faithful. And I know mom is relieved to have him out of the house for awhile!

My parents' church community did an amazing job taking care of my parents. I have never seen anything like it. My mom didn't cook for 6-7 weeks because of all the food they brought. People mowed the lawn, watered the flowers and new trees, came to visit, donated money, drove my mom to the hospital to see my dad, took them to their doctor appointments... it truly was an amazing wonder. It was such a relief to my brother who couldn't be here, and to me, who only had so much time off from work. I spent about ten days with them after the surgery and commuted the hour to work, but really felt like it was unnecessary with all the help they were getting. So I just went home on the weekends to help around the house and do whatever I could do.

It's been a long 3 months. Though my father has been recovering and healing like gangbusters the whole situation has really taken a toll. I had to step out of the worship team at church because I was always at my parents on the weekends. I have lost track of my own community right here. It feels weird now contacting my friends and trying to fit back into their lives. Same with my worship team and small group. It's nothing anyone has said or done necessarily but it's like a cloud hanging over me and I can't seem to shake it. Things have changed inside me over the last three months, and my friends' lives have continued. It seems like the community I moved here to be a part of over a year ago is not the same. I know seasons change, and my life has been a whirlwind of change. But I am finding it hard to adapt right now and hard to see where I fit into the grand scheme of things.

I told a friend the other night that spiritually I feel dry as the desert. I know that has a lot to do with my ability to deal with all the circumstances that have been thrown at me in the last 6 months. My healthy father had a heart attack and triple bypass surgery and I had to face the aging and mortality of my parents. One of my closest friends walked out of my life with no explanation. My closest Aunt has breast cancer and is now enduring chemotherapy. The stress of my job is through the roof. The dynamics of my friendships here close to home have changed. How can I possibly deal with all of this without the grace of God? I can't, which is why I think I am in the place where I am right now. Depressed and finding it hard to function. Having tension headaches that last for 4-5 days. Having to force myself to leave my apartment. None of this good. So, I know Where to go. But do I have the energy to get there?

kryptonite

2007-05-03T21:47:00.000-04:00

Friday night last week the world came to a jarring halt. I got a phone call late evening from my mom on my aunt's cell phone...never a good sign. My father was in the hospital having a heart attack. Something in the atmosphere cracked open and the sound was deafening.

My dad is one of those kind of men that daughters use as a model to find their future husband. Not perfect. But so pure in heart and so sincere in life that it makes it almost impossible to find another man who can measure up. My parents have never spoken the word divorce; not once in almost 40 years of marriage. I have watched my father serve Christ and my mother for 32 years. He is a Superman who works overtime in his job, maintains 5 acres of land and a 100 year old house, serves in the ministry of the Church, and takes care of a wife who is chronically ill. His employers admire his work ethic, his children admire his integrity, and his peers admire his strength. He has been example to his older brothers, his family, and his co-workers.

Superman.

My dad was riding in the car with my mom, on his way to the chiropractor because he had been having severe shoulder/back pain all day. He came home from work early, which is rare. My mom was driving, which almost never happens.

Thank God it did on Friday.

My father passed out cold with his eyes wide open, and mom struggled to drive and search for his pulse at the same time. He came to and passed out 2 more times before they got to the Dr's office, all the while mom is beating on his chest with one hand and steering the car with the other. He was taken to the first hospital in a squad from the Chiropractor's office, and was stabilized there. Blood work confirmed it had been a heart attack. He was transported to a larger hospital, and there it was confirmed that four of his main arteries were blocked. He had severe issues and we never even knew it.

My dad lost about 65 pounds four or five years ago and has kept it off. He eats healthy, he walks on his lunch breaks, he gets regular physicals and stress tests. He brought his cholesterol down 40 points. All this and he still had a heart attack. He was taking care of himself because he knew heart disease was prominent in his family. And yet here he was, age 59 and lying in a hospital bed and facing possible quadruple bypass surgery.

Kryptonite.

I spent the first three days and 2 nights in hospital, barely sleeping in the waiting room. I couldn't imagine leaving him there alone. The thought of losing him was too great. The thought of him possibly dying there alone was unbearable. So I stayed.

And God was good. He bounced back almost immediately. His color returned, his eyes lit back up. He was bored just sitting there in the hospital bed. Seeing him look like himself so quickly was such a blessing. And so were the people who lined up to visit him all weekend long; family and friends showing their love and support. My dad, slightly embarrassed at all the attention, was able to see for just a moment how truly important he was to all of us. I hope that it sticks with him.

My Superman is not out of the woods yet. There is surgery and recovery yet to come to repair the damage done. But God has shown His sovereignty and his protection. I will trust in Him to continue to watch over my father and preserve his life. And I will give thanks to Him that in our weakness, He is made strong.

I love you, daddy.

priviledge

2007-03-25T15:28:00.001-04:00

Check out my friend here......I have always been fascinated (and a little freaked out) by lizards. This Komodo Dragon was in the South East Asia part of the Columbus Zoo. I have been going to the zoo with my friend Christi and her daughter Shannon for the past couple of years and love it! I have always loved animals. More importantly it's something fun for the three of us to do together. Shannon is the closest thing to a niece that I have and I enjoy being a part of her life and watching her grow up. Looking at these pictures of last year's trip maybe me realize again how privileged I have been.

I look back at the last 31 years and I have so many awesome memories, most importantly in the area of relationship. My very nature craves authentic relationships with people, and God has blessed me over and over by bringing people into my life with which I can relate and grow and even just laugh uncontrollably. I take the art of friendship very seriously. So seriously that sometimes it is really hard for me to mingle in a new crowd. I am not a mixer-type person; I hated the ice breaker games that my youth pastor would force us into my entire adolescence. It takes me longer to get to know someone, longer to let them in, because I am looking for something deeper than just a good time. But once you're a friend, you're a friend for life. People I went to college with come to me when they want to know where someone is now, 10 years later. I have girls that I counseled in youth camp while they were teens, and I stayed in touch with them for years, through their college and marriages...

That's not to say that I don't have my issues. Maintaining this level of friendship can be hard work and painful, and I am not always as good at as I intend to be. It hurts more when we let each other down. We cut deeper because we are more intimate, and human nature just gets in the way of the ideal unconditional love. I am not naive enough to believe that any relationship is always 50/50. Life is too bumpy for that. The key is recognizing the difference between someone truly struggling and someone taking advantage of your kindness. I am all for boundaries and healthy relationships. But there will always be expectations in every relationship. They may wax and wane as circumstances change, but when you consider someone family, when you have given part of yourself to someone, there are expectations. You expect them to take your feelings into consideration. You expect them to honor your convictions and know when you're not yourself. You expect to be given the benefit of doubt when they hear something about you that upsets them. And when something goes wrong in any of these areas, you expect to hear I'm sorry. Sometimes the percentages look like 60/40 or 80/20, and even 90/10. But they need to fluctuate in order to be healthy.

I have been blessed with a lot of friends over the years. And naturally, there are those I have considered my closest friends; those who are like family. A lot of that comes from what we have experienced together spiritually, not just circumstantially or recreation-ally. I need to have people around me who know me well, and understand where I am in my walk with Jesus. I have found that I cannot function without this. God has created me to be a part of His body and I can't function alone. He alone is the Head. I can rely on Him when others let me down, but I can't walk away from my body completely when there is hardship. There will always be hardship. People are messy. But over time I have learned to not burn bridges unnecessarily because one day my life could take an unexpected turn and I might need to cross it again. Even when adversity takes place, or when the natural flow of life causes a relationship to drift, I want to handle it in such a way that the door is open for restoration and reunion.

Lord knows I don't always get it right. I have had to make apologies and I have faced regret. But I hope that I will be able to continue to learn in the journey and from the people God places in my life. Friendship is a privilege.

snow

2007-02-15T12:19:00.000-05:00

It's a bit late, but winter is here for real. The last two weeks have been insane with dangerous temps and mountains of snow...We have snow emergency levels, which I have found out not every state has. Level 1 means "look out", level 2 means "don't go if you don't have to", and Level 3 means "drive and you might get arrested". One storm that hit last week started right before rush hour. It took me 45 minutes to get out of the parking lot, and another hour to get home. I only live 20 minutes away!! It was horrendous. This week I left early on Tues and had to stay home on Weds because my county was at a level 3. Cool thing is that I get paid because it was a level 3 emergency. That's an awesome bonus, but I felt bad for my teammates at work who live close and had to come bear the burden of so many people being gone. Ashland never sleeps!

The snow is about a foot deep outside my apartment, and I had to really struggle with my car to get backed out of my parking space. I have no shovel, and usually the apartment complex takes care of shoveling, but I think they were overworked this week and couldn't do everything in time. Even Honda cancelled 4 shifts in a row, you know it's bad cuz that costs like $5000+ a minute that the line is shut down... An hour south where I'm from we would get the snow, but more freezing rain and ice-which means losing electricity. Up here it's just mountains of snow! That's probably why we have a ski lodge 15 miles north of us...

It's been an environmentally stressful couple of weeks...I hope winter doesn't last longer since we got such a late start!! Here's the snow piled up outside my door the other night...

On a side note, I took this picture with my new phone! I got a Cherry Chocolate phone last month and I love it. Here's a pic of it....

Well, that's all that's going on around here. Later!

a year in review

2007-01-04T12:26:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine copied a friend of his and posted the first line of the first post of each month last year. I thought to myself "Self, what a cool idea!" So I am doing the same as a reminder of where I have been and what God has done. The only difference is, I am going to copy the LAST line of the first post for every month...

January 2006
"May the Lord strengthen your resolve, and establish a foundation of Love in your heart that will change the world. "

February 2006
"One thing I love about God is the patience He shows in reminding my heart of the those things I already know in my head.. "

March 2006
"I am so thankful for His faithfulness! And thank all of you for praying for me!!"

April 2006
"God has heard my prayers of loneliness and discontent and He has brought to this Community of Believers. I'm home."

May 2006
" I PRAISE YOU JESUS for loving me enough to never give up on me!"

June 2006
"But my prayer is that my priorities stay in line with what Jesus says I need and when I need them; it is only then that I find the underlying peace that comes with knowing that God is truly in control of time. "

July 2006
"The good times are definitely out-weighing the bad, and God is blessing!"

August 2006
"I feel blessed to have had such a life altering experience."

September 2006
"It was good for my soul to see another miracle orchestrated in the life of one of His children: Thank you, Abba."

October 2006
"I stand amazed!"

November 2006
"There is nothing I would rather be than a testimony to the grace of God."

December 2006
"I have been truly blessed."

happy new year

2007-01-02T12:27:00.000-05:00

Happy 2007 my friends! My resolution has been the same for the past several years, and that is to not make any resolutions! So, instead of disappointing myself by February for not keeping my goals, I am handing another year over to the Lord to fill with goals and promises He CAN keep. This new year has so much potential and promise, and I am anxious to see what God will do for His children.

May God bless each of you abundantly and show you favor. May His love permeate your lives and transform you a little more each day into who He has created you to be. I love you all!

'tristmas" pt 2

2006-12-28T12:19:00.000-05:00

So, little did I know when I wrote my last entry what this Christmas would actually hold for me and my family...

Thursday morning before Christmas I got a call from my dad, which in and of itself is a reason for me to worry. Listening to the message, I discovered that mom had intestinal flu, and they didn't think it would be a good idea for me to come home. I wasn't planning to be there until late Saturday, so I emailed him and told him that I would wait until Sunday afternoon, but I couldn't just NOT come home for Christmas. I was hoping it would be a 24 hour thing and all would be as it should by then...

Saturday I got a message from mom, she was not any better and now dad had caught the bug. According to her it was the world's worst flu, and she didn't want me near them. Also, the house was not ready, nor the food or gifts...

Now there was an issue. I live alone, over an hour from my parents, and the thought of spending Christmas Eve into Christmas morning alone for the first time in my life did not sound pleasant. I am blessed with friends who are like family, and I could spend Christmas Day with them, but the night before.... no candlelight service, no special meal, no cookies and hot chocolate by the fireplace... and waking up alone on Christmas morning... I'd like to spiritualize all of it, and say that it was an awesome opportunity to reflect on Jesus and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. While I did spend time reflecting on Jesus, and I tried to make the best of it while cooking myself a nice meal and wrapping gifts, it was still very difficult. One ray of light from the Lord came through a phone call from a friend spending his first Christmas away from home as well, and it reminded me of all of my friends overseas who would be missing their family this night. Remembering this eased the pain, and helped me realize that I wasn't truly alone. Besides that, as miserable I was, it was nothing compared to what my parents were facing. Mom said she lost 10 lbs in 4 days...

I had fun on Christmas day with my friends and truly enjoyed the relaxation of having a four day weekend from work. And I'll have Christmas with my family; it's only been postponed. I watched "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" on Christmas day and it reminded me again that Christmas comes, with or without trappings, because that's not what it's about anyway. But this experience also made me appreciate my family even more than the traditions we have in place. I know that I can live without the traditions, though it's nice to have the memories we have made over the years together. I realized that I just wanted to be with THEM, whether we had presents or food or not. I have been truly blessed.

"tristmas"

2006-12-08T12:06:00.000-05:00

The Christmas season turns a lot people into kids again. "Tristmas" was how I pronounced Christmas in COLLEGE, not as a child. I get downright giddy when it comes to decorating and giving gifts and pulling out the Christmas music...sometimes it makes me sound like a moron. But I have always been a kid at heart. I love cartoons; Disney movies, Spongebob Squarepants, and(much to my brother's dismay) I know every Veggie Tale silly song by heart. And the music! I remember getting the Mariah Carey Christmas CD for myself the year I knew I was getting my first CD player. My college friends and I listened to that thing year 'round!

I don't remember a lot of Christmas's before 5-6th grade. I remember my first cabbage patch doll, and different gifts I got throughout the years, but the most ingrained memory is the traditional Christmas celebration in the Pierce household. We got it all mapped out early (I don't even remember how it started!) and though we have tried to deviate from "the plan" over the years, we ALWAYS came back to the family traditions. My mom brought organization to the chaos on my dad's side of the family. She went over to my grandparents' early in their relationship and it was a free-for-all around the tree...Everyone opening all their presents at once. It was over in minutes and no one knew who got what and and from whom. She started having them take turns from youngest to oldest and it stuck, there and in our own home. It gave everyone a chance to sit and share with one another and give thanks for what they were receiving.

Here is what a Christmas Eve and Christmas Day would look like in our home. (Mom always wanted the quality time to last as long as possible!) :

Christmas Eve was full of baking and wrapping and getting ready for the next day. We would go to the candlelight Christmas Eve service at our church and then come home and have a nice meal, and then hot chocolate and cookies around the fireplace. Mom NEVER put all the presents under the tree before Christmas morning. She always waited until we went to bed to fill it up so that we would be surprised in the morning. Even after we stopped believing in Santa, she would keep our presents hidden. She also does not like to tell one of us what she got for the other. Only if she needed advice or help did she reveal what she got anyone.

On Christmas morning we would wake up and go down and start with stockings. We even took turns with those, reaching in for one thing at a time, going in order of youngest to oldest. When my sister in law joined our gathering, she had problems with this in particular. I don't know how many times my brother would call her out for digging around in her stocking when it was someone else's turn. She would just get this cute obviously guilty look on her face. I think he was maybe jus jealous he wasn't the youngest in the family anymore! Once those were done we would all go and help fix breakfast. Usually it was dad's famous scrambled eggs and some amazing baked sweet creation from mom. Only after we were finished with breakfast would we start passing out the gifts. Opening one at a time prolonged our time together, and it made the magic of Christmas morning last.

As an adult now I find myself still clinging to those things. I want the same tree we had growing up (though it's the oldest and fakest fake tree ever), I want the schedule to be the same, I want my brother to be there. But things change. The old tree has been retired for a number of tiny pencil trees, we only get my brother and sister every other year now, and I don't live at home anymore. Living on my own I miss most of the decorating and baking that goes on at my parents'. But times change, don't they? QUICKLY! And not everything can stay the same. It's nice to have traditions, but it's so easy to get unyielding or legalistic, and then we miss the whole point of Christmas: which is celebrating Christ.

"For unto us is born this day in the city of David, a Savior Who is Christ the Lord."

thanks

2006-11-22T16:24:00.000-05:00

I want to be truly grateful for what God has given me.

Last Sunday Pastor Steve preached on being truly grateful for all things, good and bad, roses and thorns, because all things work together for God's good. He said that the root of ingratitude is accusation. By being ungrateful we accuse God of not knowing what is best for us or how to care for His own. Putting it that way is really a revelation and it illuminates the true damage of grumbling and complaining. I don't believe there is anything wrong with being honest with God regarding our circumstances. He doesn't call us to be 'happy all the day' like the old hymn implies. I do believe that our joy and faith needs to come from a deeper place; a place that the mucky sludge of life cannot taint. When we believe in the delicate balance of our personal choices and their consequences vs. The ultimate fact that God is in control of all things, rolling with the punches comes a little easier.

I got a picture from the Lord once for a friend going through a major trauma in her life. I saw my friend and her family standing in their dining room, and this "invisible" presence was surrounding them and holding them close in one arm, while the other arm was stretched out in front of them. Their circumstances were standing before them, but everything that was being hurled at them was being filtered through the hand of the One holding on to them. What an awesome picture of what our Father does for us. The pain and the trials of this world are bound to come, but God is there, filtering everything that comes at us so that we are not faced with more than we can handle through His power. Accepting that kind of picture requires something profound--the faith to believe that the trials we face can be ultimately used for our good, and for the good of those around us. We have to reconcile ourselves with the truth that while God is all powerful and could squash every painful thing that comes our way, He allows certain things to happen because of 1) Free Will and consequences, 2) our trials make us stronger as a person and as a believer, and 3) our experiences help us relate to people around us who need to know Jesus. This is only part of the picture; a simplistic view of why "bad things happen to good people". We can never fully comprehend the big picture, the plans and mind of God. But we can believe in His inherent goodness and unconditional love and cling to the promise that all things work together for good for those who love Him.

So I want to be grateful for all the blessings God has given me this Thanksgiving and all the time...My family and friends, my job, my apartment, my church...But I also want to thank Him for the trials I face that make me stronger and that show me the glory of His power. When I come through something tough victoriously, it is a testimony to His amazing grace and faithfulness. There is nothing I would rather be than a testimony to the grace of God.

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends.

my turn to ramble

2006-11-07T16:04:00.000-05:00

Ok, not to steal anything from Scott, but I just wanted to be random and ramble on about things that are bouncing around in my head.

Have you all heard the new group Under the Influence of Giants? All I had was a single until recently someone gave me the album. I LOVE this group. You have to check it out. I have also recently acquired The Killers new album, Sam's Town. Yum.

My friend Derek recently posted some stuff about music and asked what songs we would like to see live. I immediately went to 80's music and listed songs by some of the Big Hair Bands like Def Leopard and Guns N Roses. He commented on that, saying what about the 90's? Well, I think it's because of a couple of reasons. The 80's was when I was in junior high and high school. Music was just becoming influential, and hearing that stuff really takes you back. I also don't think that the 90's have been gone long enough for us to miss the music as much. I remember when the 80's music hit "oldies" status because we hit the 20 year mark. I don't like the term "oldies" very much! I am sure our parents didn't either when their rock and roll became dated. I am only starting to miss the 90's. The grunge era with Smashing Pumpkins and Nirvana, Soundgarden and Stone Temple Pilots. I loved that stuff, too. Mmmm, and Ben Folds Five. "Brick" is such a great song...I loved that depressed piano driven sound...

I am housesitting and dog-sitting for the Donnelly's this week. They are off in Florida enjoying the sun. It's raining here, the usual for Ohio fall weather. Taking care of Bailey is a dichotomy. He is a great dog, but I am not used to having someone to come home to and take care of. I see how independent I have become and wonder how I would ever live with someone if I got married. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to find out! But as I get older I realize how settled I have become. It's nice having someone at home happy to see me. But at the same time, what happens when I don't come home soon enough? :o) (Don't worry Scott and Cheryl, I am not neglecting your boy!) It's just been interesting considering these things.

Cool things have been happening at work. It takes me a long time to get to know people sometimes, and that means I am pretty reserved until I feel comfortable. I have noticed in the last few weeks, however, that things have changed with my coworkers. I have such a great time with them now; we spend the day laughing at stupid mistakes, bothersome sales reps, and crazy customer requests. It's such a stress reliever for me to be able to make smart comments out loud and laugh with my friends about what's going on during the day. We have decided to start going out after work every once in awhile so we can get to know each other better. It's such a blessing to actually enjoy my work and my work environment. Plus I am making new friends in the area which is always a good thing. After all the stress over the summer, it's nice to have a full team again on the phones so the work load is more tolerable.

My car, however, is not so good. I have had it in the shop every month for the past 3 months, and once over the summer. I have surpassed what I paid for it long ago. Jesus, please send me a more reliable car! He has already blessed me with a Christian mechanic who lets me make payments on the repairs and has a loaner he gives out at no charge. I am not complaining. It's just that the stress of car trouble gives me nightmares. I have noticed an empathy that has come from all the trouble I have experienced. Every time I see a car pulled over on the side of the road I immediately say a prayer for them. Sometimes if it looks like a desperate enough situation I tear up. It's really affects me. I pray that the Lord intervenes soon and helps me either be able to afford a car payment, or works a miracle in some other way.

Last but not least, for those of you who love the old 80's movies like 16 candles, Breakfast Club, Karate Kid, and so many others, I have the movie for you! VH1 did an original movie spoofing all the great 80's scenarios. It's called Totally Awesome and they have been playing it everyday since Saturday. You should really check it out if you are interested...I laughed and laughed.

Peace out for now!

lost

2006-10-12T14:22:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I felt like writing about something fun and frivolous this time...

I LOVE LOST!

I missed the premire last week, so my friends Scott and Cheryl were kind enough to download it for me on their computer. I went over to their house last night and we had a mini-LOST-athon. We watched last weeks episode and then watched the new one. Sawyer, pictured to the left, is my favorite. Everytime he calls Kate "Freckles" I melt. Sayid is a close second, pictured on the right.

For those of you who don't watch it, you're missing out. The intrigue is top notch. There is so much going on in the plot with these poor airplane crash victims that it will make your head spin. My mom has a hard time following the flashbacks in shows or movies, but I love they way they do them in LOST. You get glimpses of their lives before the crash that help you understand a little more about who they are and how their pasts intertwine. It's gets more tangled and twisted with every season, and I LOVE IT! This season revealed a huge part of the mystery of "the Others", the rivals that the crash victims have been scrapping with since they got there. Everything that has looked so much like coincidence or bad luck is fading away with each episode. Next week we get to see if Locke can still walk since the magnetic field has been blown...

No idea what I'm talking about? Jumping in this season might only be frustrating. Get the first couple seasons on DVD first to catch up. Losing interest because of all the re-runs last season? Try again! This season there will be NO reruns. They will take a break in the middle of the season instead dragging everything out for the whole year. It should be much more cohesive now.

In the first season I wondered how in the world they could make one incident last through one season, much less several. I stand amazed!

everybody wants to go to heaven...but nobody wants to die...

2006-09-10T15:01:00.000-04:00

I had a fun experience this morning. I had the opportunity to be a part of a monumental moment in an old friend's life. It was a testimony to the redemptive grace of Jesus.

I have a friend from college who I used to travel and sing with all the time. We were in worship teams, college trios and quartets, and then eventually sang professionally in a trio for awhile. College opened up a whole new musical world for us; the world of Southern Gospel music. My parents were never into it much, and my friend, Scott, was trained in classical music and piano. But going to small southern Ohio Bible college meant learning the southern Ohio musical language. I have to admit that while I have never been a huge fan of Southern Gospel, I really enjoyed singing it. We were by no means "country" in style, but did have a lot of fun and met a lot of great people, including other professional gospel groups. We even spent a weekend at the National Quartet Convention one year.

Anyway, I digress...

My friend, Scott, and I have had some rough times in our lives since then. Both of us at times have really strayed from God's purpose for our lives. Our friendship suffered quite a bit as well. Recently, however, the Lord put him back in my path, and we discovered that we have both been on a pretty amazing journey, as God has led us back around to what we were created to be: completely His. It has been great catching up on old times and new chapters, and reliving the hysterical moments we have shared over the years. Scott emailed me about a week ago and told me to call him, and to be sitting down when I did, because he had something to tell me. When I called, he informed me that he had auditioned for a gospel quartet and had been asked to join them on the road! It was so overwhelming to see how God was blessing! Even after all the years he thought he had wasted, God was restoring his dreams and leading Him back into the ministry he loved. I could totally relate to that!

So this morning, I was able to go to a concert in a church local to my parents and hear Scott sing with his new buddies, The Suwannee River Boys. The five of them had fun on the platform and enjoyed each other like they had known one another for years. It was surreal almost to see my friend, someone I had been separated from for several years, standing on the platform with a group of professionals, living a dream he has had in his heart since I had known him. It was so moving.

So, now you're wondering, what in the world does her TITLE mean? How does that relate at all with what she is sharing? Well, I'll tell you. It's 2-fold. First, it's a sound byte from David Crowder's new album; an old spiritual or southern gospel song he samples at the beginning of the first song. (It's also the title of his new book!) It sounds funny, but it's pretty profound. It is the profound that truly relates to what I am sharing.

Scott and I spent a lot of time in our lives pursuing our own dreams in our own power, doing things our own way. We pursued ministry, so it all sounded like a great plan. But in our feeble hands, it crumbled. We want the bright lights and the big time ("heaven") but we weren't willing to "die" to ourselves and do it God's way. Everybody wants God's blessing, His best for our lives. But we fail to see that if we are to truly achieve what is BEST we have to give up our idea of what that BEST is. And it's not that the desires of our heart are always wrong, or that God ignores what we want in order to have His way. He gives us our desires and dreams. But we can only see a part of the picture, a tiny spec of the grand scheme of things. His dreams for us are actually so much bigger than we could ever imagine. The key is placing Him BEFORE the dream on the priority list. It's only then that we can fulfill His purpose and truly succeed. Our dreams are safer in God's hands than in our own. Sounds like a simple concept, but it's so tough to learn!

I had to praise God when I watched Scott get on that big customized bus this afternoon and head out to the next service on the schedule for tonight. It was good for my soul to see another miracle orchestrated in the life of one of His children.

Thank you, Abba.

stress

2006-09-02T22:03:00.000-04:00

It's so long since I have written, yet I am having a problem getting started. It seems like the stress of my job has sucked all the creative energy right out of me on most days. It's hard, really, to put into words just how stressful my job really is, and I don't want it to sound like I am complaining. It's strange because, though it is overwhelming, I do enjoy what I am doing, where I am, and whom I am doing it with. I like my boss and my co-workers, I like the company, and most of the customers I work with on a daily basis are great. I am grateful for my job, and truly feel God led me to it. But I wasn't really prepared for how consuming it was going to become.

It was a tough routine to learn, and even at almost 6 months, I definitely don't feel I have mastered it. It took 2 months of training before I was even set free to answer the phones, and still, at least once everyday, I am faced with something totally new. I have had to learn new computer programs, phone scripts, chemical names, codes and containers. I talk with dozens of our company buyers, sales representatives, and warehouse workers a day. Every order I take on the phone is a project in which I must make sure the chemical is correct, on time, priced appropriately, approved by the right people...some chemicals are Drug Enforcement Agency regulated and bound to procedures and paperwork. But at the crux of all the flurry of details and logistics is that if it's done improperly, I could (or we could) put a company out of production for a day, week, whatever and cost them a bundle. This is not good for us or them. So to sum it all up, I am in frenzied/adrenaline rush/edge of my seat mode for an entire 9 hours everyday. Even my breaks and lunch hour are consumed with thoughts of what needs to be done and who needs to be contacted and what deadlines have to met.

Being in this state of mind everyday, five days a week has really taken its toll on me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. The past couple of weeks have been tough for me because I have felt overwhelmed and on the edge, like I couldn't possibley take anymore. I know I serve a God who protects and preserves, and He knows my limits. But the way I have been feeling lately has been scary. My natural reaction to stress is sleep, and I have been going to bed at night by 9:00, often earlier, and taking naps on the weekends. I just took a four hour nap today after a full nights sleep last night! It's amazing what affect the state of the mind can have on the physical body. And it's amazing how being exhausted physcially can keep me from doing the one thing I know can help feel better: spend time with Jesus.

This whole time I have been struggling I have been asking people to pray for me, yet I have not been praying for myself. I haven't been reading about Him, I haven't been singing to Him. I am too tired to go to small group; too depressed to reach out to the community of believers He has given me. It's like the worse it gets the more I withdraw and I don't understand it. I feel like no one will understand what I am going through, so I don't give anyone a chance. I feel like I should be strong enought to handle it on my own, so I don't want to mention it. And I know that this is not what God intended. This is not what Community is all about. It's deception that the enemy has been whipering in my ear, and in my weakened state I have given into it.

A friend of mine shared some Psalms with me today in an email and one of them inparticular struck me. I've read it before, but as Scripture often does, it spoke directly to my current situation.

Psalm 91:1-2
"He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in Him will I trust."

And God says to me in vs 14-15
"Because he hath set his love upon Me, therefore will I deliver him, I will set him on high; because he hath known my name. He shall call upon Me and I will answer him. I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honour him."

I see something very clearly here. First of all, my responsibility is to take refuge in Him; trust Him and love Him. His responsibility looks different. He is going to protect me, raise me up above the circumstances, HE WILL DELIVER ME. My responsibility is of the heart; to seek intimacy. His responsibilty is one of action; to provide deliverance.

And yet I tell myself I need to "handle" my own issues. I need to be strong; don't complain or grieve or show weakness or disappointment.

Actually, I need to run immediately and cower in the shadow of His wing. I need to wave the white flag and retreat. In doing so, I am doing the bravest thing imaginable.

Relinquishing control.

camp

2006-08-12T00:58:00.001-04:00

This weekend holds a very important event; a reunion for camp workers who worked at Mt of Praise camp with Cheryl B. and Janette P. Over the course of about 16 years these two amazing women ran the children's ministry at this 10 day family camp. And if that's not a big enough job, they decided to have a group of 25-30 teenagers and young adults work with them. At times it was like babysitting for two different, and yet very similar, groups of kids. But to the two of them, it was all ministry. They were (and continue to be) vessels through which God changed the hearts and lives of children and young people alike. Not only were we taught how to minister to the children, we were also ministered to; and loved unconditionally by Cheryl and Janette. We were all "their kids" and they smacked us around when we needed it, and fought for our honor when we needed it. Friendships were built during those hot August days that would last a lifetime, and even this weekend after all these years, people are coming from miles around and across state lines to reminisce about the old days and fellowship together.

Camp was one of the most influential tools God used in my life to shape me into who I am today. These women were a part of that. I learned so much about Kingdom work, about myself, about the gifts God has given me...and the friendships! I am in awe of the people God placed in my life, and how connected my heart is to them. The laughter and the tears and the hard work built a bond between us, and the memories are sweet. Even now as our daily lives draw us apart, sharing one story from that time in our lives can bridge the gap and make it seem like we are still in that basement, surrounded by music and decorations, kids ministering to kids...it's the greatest feeling.

I am looking forward to seeing everyone this weekend. Hopefully it will become an annual tradition and grow as we connect with more and more faces and names from the past. I feel blessed to have had such a life altering experience.

potpourri

2006-07-25T17:13:00.000-04:00

Ok, YES John Massie John Massie! It HAS been forever! I will update now, I promise!

Fun and exciting times in my world these days! Ready for the Reader’s Digest version? I can’t really promise this will be short, but everyone knows I am long-winded…

First, on the Job Front: Work is going very well at Ashland. I finished my training and started taking phone orders in May (nice little pay raise included!) and time flies now with the business of processing these orders. The customer service department is really more logistical than call center as far as environment. When I take an order over the phone, I have to follow it and track it’s progress until it reaches the customer. If it isn’t in stock, I have to find stock. If it’s in a different warehouse I have to get permission to take it from that warehouse and send it on a carrier. If the price is in question I have to work with the Sales Rep. for that customer to get it straightened out. The stress comes from knowing that if we screw up an order and it doesn’t deliver on time or correctly, we could shut down a business for a day or even more, not to mention lose a customer’s patronage. So instead of taking a million calls, I take fewer calls that are projects that take days, weeks, or sometimes even months to complete. I am a detail oriented person, and I enjoy organization and problem solving. I have just never done it on this grand of a scale before! I enjoy the people and I am happy here.

Second, on the HOME Front: I GOT MY OWN PLACE!! I will have to provide some pictures once I can get someone with a digital camera in there! I love it. It’s a very comfortable 2 bedroom, it brings me about 10 minutes closer to work, and we have a pool! It’s a nice area, and I love having my own space. It’s been five years since I lived on my own, and it’s nice all of my things out of storage and in the one place! I had to pack up things from three different locations to move, and that a bit of a logistical nightmare. But thanks to AMAZING friends I was able to do it all in one weekend. God has provided so much for me, and I feel very peaceful about where I am. God has sent me money for moving, groceries, free furniture, even a beautiful mattress set…all through His faithful followers. I have been so blessed to see how it has come together. I have been in my place one month and I am LOVING it. It was like Christmas opening all those boxes that had been in storage for years...

Third, on the FAMILY front: This past weekend the family got together in my parents’ home to say goodbye to my brother and his wife. They are embarking on a journey to SRI LANKA with an organization called SAWSO . They will be working in several different facets of Tsunami relief aid, including construction of homes, community health, education/awareness of human trafficking, and job skills. They have committed to a year, however, we all believe this will open up more doors for them. They are both enablers; they want to see health and wholeness, physically and spiritually, being maintained by nationals. I can see them in project related work all over the world, and know that their hearts have been transformed by God to see the world through His eyes. Hearts such as that are not content to stay home, but need to venture out. Goodbyes are hard. But my heart rejoices with them on this amazing adventure. I can hardly contain myself when I think about what God is going to accomplish through them as they give hands and feet to the love of Jesus.

Fourth, on the PHYSICAL Front: I had an episode with a kidney stone last week, and found myself in the local ER in the middle of the night. It’s not easy to rouse people from sleep at 4:30 AM, but I finally got a hold of some friends to come get me because I could not have driven myself. It really is as painful as everyone says. I am thankful however, the pain was gone by the time I left the hospital around 7:00 AM, and I have not been in pain since. I am following up with specialists to make sure everything is alright, but I am thanking God for healing me.

There is it in a nutshell, my friends. The good times are definitely out-weighing the bad, and God is blessing!

platform

2006-05-20T12:46:00.000-04:00

I need to get my PRAISE ON for a moment so bear with me!

I was listening to music this week at work through my headset and came across a Kevin Max song from his new CD "Imposter" . It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was a ton of bricks from Jesus, because the dozen CD's I have at work are random uncharted downloads from the music on my laptop. I hadn't even had a chance to listen to the entire album yet and it's been months since I got it. But this moment was appointed by Jesus for me to hear these words and immediately worship Him for His providence.

My spiritual journey has been a long and complicated one. There have been times in my life (more than I would like to admit) when I have ignored or walked away from God wanted me to do, and even what was right. The difference between God's will and God's plan is that God's will is for us to obey Him and live by His Word and Jesus' example. God's plan is what He has created us to be and do in this life. I have walked away from both at different times in my life. But as I have told so many people, He didn't write me off. And He didn't tell me "ok, now that you've chosen the wrong path you'll now have to settle for second best." No, He continues to shape into what I was created to be, and He continues to make His dreams and plans for me a reality. And He redeems the time that was lost! He is the Author and Creator of time! I can't look that reality in the face without crying and worshipping my Jesus for Who He is and what He's done! There have been times when I look back at who I was and have asked the same questions Kevin asks in this song:

Platform By: Kevin Max

Oh My God, here I go again,
Jumping off this platform to another end.
Oh my God, see me going deep;
Won't you take these millstones from around my feet.
And it's a tragedy this state I'm in...

Why'd ya choose me when you knew I wasn't tough enough??
Why'd ya send me when you knew I would run??
Why'd ya put me in the places that I didn't want??
Why'd ya call me when you knew I'd hang up??

Oh my God, can you see through me?
Can you pierce the darkness?
God, your charity, is the only song that I cannot sing...

Why'd ya choose when you knew I wasn't wise enough??
Why'd ya send me when you knew I would run??
Why'd ya put me in the places that I didn't want??
Why'd ya call me when you knew I'd hang up??

You hold me up and pull me down and twist me around in circles
and take me out and put me back depending on the situation...
Oh my God, can I feel your hand?
I need direction and a place to land...

Why'd ya choose when you knew I wasn't tough enough?
Why'd ya send me when you knew I would run?
Why'd ya put me in the places that I didn't want?
Why'd ya call me when you knew I'd hang up?

I can relate to the struggle in Kevin's heart as He wrestles with the facts of knowing that God is all knowing and all powerful, and He knows we are weak. So the question is why on earth is He coming to us when He knows we will run from Him and reject Him? Why does He place calling on our lives when He knows we aren't wise enough to handle it? We are shocked and ashamed when we mess up; isn't God? I ran for years from what He wanted me to do. Is it too late?

I believe the disciples were faced with the same revelation when they looked back and saw how they reacted in the face of adversity when Jesus was being led to His crucifixion. Why on earth did He choose fishermen; people from the "B" team, not good enough to go to rabbinical school (like Rob Bell often points out!) ? When He calls people why is it not always the smartest and the richest and those who seem to have it all together?

Some of the answers I have come to in my own journey have been heart-rending. He chooses those of us who are "weak" so that He can be strong. He doesn't want us to do things for Him in our own power, His wants things done in His Power, and He deserves the glory! His plans and dreams and methods are so much higher and so much more EFFECTIVE than anything we can dream up on our own. It's really kinda ridiculous what we come up with when you look at it from this perspective, but people who seem to have it all together too often don't have room for God's help. I remember the years of striving to do things my way and I shake my head at the futility of it! I have come to know that He is an interactive God. He doesn't hand us an idea and expect us to run with it. He gives us a picture and then waits for us to ask Him how to move forward with it. I cringe at the wasted time I think I see in my life, and then remember that He is the Redeemer and Restorer of what the "locusts have eaten". It is comforting to know that He created me and knows what is best, but it is also comforting to know that it also means He knows I am going to trip up sometimes. It doesn't surprise Him one ounce when I trip! It takes the pressure off to know that if He has called me to it, He will make it happen, through no power of my own. He asks only for my willingness to take my hands off the steering wheel. I can't tell you I always get it right, but I can tell you that when I do the results are amazing!

It was the unconditional love and acceptance that the disciples saw in Jesus face; the forgiveness for the unforgivable that He showed them that empowered them to move forward and not give into despair. It was His LOVE that inspired them to move beyond their shortcomings and dedicate their lives (and deaths) to furthering His Name. The more I know of Him, the more I want of Him. The more I see the results of His leading, the more I want to follow. I PRAISE YOU JESUS for loving me enough to never give up on me!

time keeps on tickin' tickin' tickin...

2006-05-10T23:18:00.000-04:00

In 45 minutes I will be 31 years old. How can THAT be possible? I should be sleeping right now. 5:40 AM will come tomorrow with all the subtlety of a speeding semi truck...and yet I can't lie down. Not yet.

Mother's Day, 1975, Columbus, Ohio...my parents were celebrating their first child; the one they were told would never be born. The one they waited 7 long years of marriage to see. The one the doctor called a "watermelon" for 9 months because he couldn't believe my mom was actually pregnant...And time kept tickin... Now, 31 years later, I wonder about who I am, where I've been...have I made the most of 31 years? Have I squeezed as much life and love out of 31 years that I possibly can? Do I have regrets? What if's?

More questions...do I look 31? Do I act 31? I feel so immature for being "in my 30's". I have my first real job in "the big city", and yet sometimes I feel like I am playing a part in a play. The same type of feelings that washed over me when I turned 30 threaten to drown me now. I'm not doing what I envisioned myself to be doing at this stage of my life. I don't have what I thought I would have, I'm not in the place where I thought I would be. When I look back at my entry from turning 30, I realize I sound like a broken record. A year sounds like forever, but really it's just a drop in the bucket. Compared to eternity, it's barely the thought of someone dropping something in a bucket... Rob Bell once said that "time only exists between the trees". What he meant was that before the world and the tree of the "knowledge of good and evil" was created, time didn't exist. When that tree is restored in the last day, time will cease to exist again. When I look at it that way I realize that I am really allowing something temporary be the "boss of me". Who says I have to have this or be this or do this by a certain age? The important thing is to be in step with the Creator and destroyer of time. The concept of eternity tells me I have forever to become what I am intended to be, and my time here on earth is only a small part of it. This isn't the whole story, yet merely chapters of the novel. And to really nail it down, are any of these temporary things more important than intimacy with Jesus? Definitely not!

I am human, therefore there are certain things I desire to see take place in my life. We have a need for temporary things as well as eternal. But my prayer is that my priorities stay in line with what Jesus says I need and when I need them. It is only then that I find the underlying peace that comes with knowing that God is truly in control of time.

vineyard values

2006-04-17T16:30:00.001-04:00

I spent some time on a Saturday morning not too long ago learning about my new church family. The Vineyard church I attend has a class for new attendees called Vineyard Values. Vineyard is not a denomination, but an Association of churches. They don't do formal membership, which sits well with me because of prior experience! However, they do offer a opportunity for people who desire to learn more about the church and the Vineyard movement in the form of a casual Saturday morning class. Pastor Steve led the class, and we talked about the history of the movement, it's origin and it's beliefs.

I have to say that I have been in a lot of churches and a lot of "what we believe" type classes. I have not, however, cried through any of them because the Holy Spirit has moved in my heart. Until now. I felt so connected to the pastor because he came from the same church background as I did, and he has such a healthy grip on accepting the good and the bad that has come from it. I want to be in that place; seeing how God has used all things to work together for my good. But more than just relating to Pastor Steve, everything he shared about how God has moved in the Vineyard churches rang true with my heart. I consistently nodded my head because the values of the Vineyard coincided with what God has been doing in my life for the past three years. I couldn't believe how perfect the fit was, except to know that it is His Providential Hand that led me to this place.

God has heard my prayers of loneliness and discontent and He has brought to this Community of Believers. I'm home.

back in the saddle again

2006-03-27T18:46:00.000-05:00

I guess I have left ya'all hangin' on the blogfront about the job! Here's the scoop:

2 minutes into the interview - I had made a connection with the interviewing manager and could tell that this interview was going better than the last one.

40 minutes later - I was on the road back home, talking to friends on the phone and telling them how well it went and how peaceful I felt.

20 minutes after I got home - I got a phone call from the hiring firm wanting to know if I could start the next morning at 8:30!

24 hours later - I was finishing my very first day as an Ashland Chemicals employee!

Isn't God amazing?

So now, two weeks into the job, things are still going very well. I enjoy the job and the people I work with. Working in a sea of cubicles, (aka a "Cube Farm") is a new experience for me. And I am positive that in a couple months, the movie "Office Space" will take on a whole new meaning! But it's exciting and I feel confident that the Lord has placed me here for a reason. I am so thankful for His faithfulness! And thank all of you for praying for me!!

brighter days (bookend to "disappointment")

2006-03-10T10:45:00.000-05:00

Ok, ok, I'm done moping. By the end of the day Wednesday I had received a call back from the company wanting me to interview in a different area with a different manager. It was funny because the woman who called me was afraid I'd think she was crazy because she had just told me that they weren't interested. I didn't think she was crazy, I thought God was faithful. She was just the messenger of His providence.

So on Monday I have another interview, and I am pursuing a couple of other promising leads as well. All hope is not lost, though it continues to be a struggle to see that fact. Sometimes I feel just fine, and sometimes I feel as if I am teetering on the edge of despair. And the sad thing is that it is almost completely because of the money issues. I feel like I am receiving so much spiritually and I can see growth already just being a part of a church family on a regular basis again. But I have a hard time, it seems, focusing on the the importance of the journey and not just the goal. It's not easy to remain positive when bill collectors are calling everyday.

I do, however, know that He has a plan for me. And I continue to hang on to Him for dear life, knowing that there is no place safer than the palm of His hand.

disappointment

2006-03-08T00:49:00.000-05:00

What a slap in the head. I've never not received a job I have interviewed for before. Not ever. What the heck? The disappointment is a little overwhelming right now.

"They've hired someone who better suits their needs at this time."

It's disappointment like this that makes you want to wallow in all the doubts you had about yourself in the first place. And to find out at 1:00 AM when there is nobody to talk to! Nobody to vent with . . . nobody to tell you that they are missin' out on the world's best employee. It's THEIR loss, right? And what makes it worse is that it comes after 6 or more weeks of waiting and searching and fretting over bills that are overdue. Even the platitude that God has something more suited for me doesn't make me feel one ounce better. So I sit here and blog out of frustration and disappointment. Deep-seated emotional writing is not something I have done for a long time. I used to write poems full of anguish when I was in junior high and high school. Emotion seemed to just boil over in me, and writing was my only outlet. Over the years I developed friendships that have served as sounding boards. They have helped me stay sane, and my writing has become more reserved.

But now they're all asleep.

In 8 hours or so when I wake up everything will look brighter. I will have allowed the Lord to reign in my perspective and re-establish my positive attitude. But tonight I am allowing myself to grieve and be disappointed, and to wonder:

What in the world is God doing?

peer pressure

2006-02-28T15:27:00.000-05:00

I have been receiving a little peer pressure from my "blogging buddies" recently about lack of writing the past month. I will be honest, it's not because I haven't had time! I think I've just been in a slump lately; unhappy with some of my circumstances and feeling un-inspired.

It's not that the Lord hasn't been doing things in my life. Quite the contrary. I am loving getting to know my new church family.

There was a time (and not so long ago!) when I felt I never wanted to go to "church" again!

I have been receiving so much affirmation from the Lord through several people about the "voice" God has given me. And it's not about my singing voice this time! It's about the wisdom and truth that God has instilled in me. Often it's hard for me to speak up or pray out loud. I hear the Lord speaking to me, and yet I hesitate in sharing what He saying.

It's mostly a confidence issue. I have confidence in God, but not myself.

But lately I have been able to speak up. I have been able to contribute to prayer time out loud, been able to speak to people when I feel like the Lord has given me something to say to them. I feel like God is growing a whole new area of ministry inside of me, one that's more face to face and relational than just hiding behind a microphone. Leading worship is definitely a ministry, but sometimes I gravitate to it because of the talent God has given me. I consider it "safe". I haven't jumped into any organized ministry at the new church yet, because I want to wait on the Lord and see what He is doing. I definitely don't want to end up like I was when I left my last church: working at the church every night of the week just because I was "qualified" to do so. I want to do the things I am called to, and have the time to do them well.

I trust God to show me how to do that.

Another cool thing that the Lord has been doing is taking care of me in this transition and job search. Living with friends while broke and looking for work is not an easy position to be in, trust me. Sunday before last, the Associate Pastor's wife prayed with me after church. She sensed a heavy heart and a burden on my shoulders, and said that the Lord wanted to remove them from me. Within two days I had received a call-back for a second interview, the next day a friend of mine gave me an unexpected gift of money, and still more friends took me out and got shoes for me to wear to my interview. It was such an overwhelming flood of blessings, and it reminded me that God was still in control and looking out for His beloved.

One thing I love about God is the patience He shows in reminding my heart of the those things I already know in my head.

end of the spear

2006-01-23T11:48:00.000-05:00

It's exciting to me that the Christian faith is being displayed on the "big screen" for all the world to see. First, The Chronicles of Narnia, and now, End of the Spear. (If you haven't seen Narnia, shame on you. GO NOW before it leaves the theaters!)

Growing up in church camp, we heard the story of the five missionary men who were speared to death in Ecuador, South America in the 1950's. They had been in the Amazon Basin with their families, and attempting to reach the violent tribe of the Waodani. The men flew into their village area and were attempting to communicate with the people in sparse, broken, Waodani phrases, and something went terribly wrong. All five of them were speared to death. Though they were armed with guns, they did not retaliate. The sacrifice of love didn't stop there, however. Rachel Saint, one of the men's sister, and one of the wives went back into the tribe and lived among the killers, leading the entire tribe to Jesus Christ and stopping the cycle of violence. It's an amazing story, and I hope I haven't ruined it for those of you who are not familiar with the story. Even knowing this much can not prepare you for the reality portrayed in this movie. The Gospel message is loud and clear.

Here are few things that I appreciated about this portrayal of Nate Saint, Jim Elliott, and the others:

-Even though it is set in the 50's, the missionaries were "real people". They laughed and played, loved-on their kids, got together to fellowship and dance and have a good time. Their love for Jesus and His purpose was evident, which made their love for the Waodani tribe more believable.

-The movie shows the thought patterns and struggles, and honest emotions of the tribe. Considering that some of the men who killed these missionaries are still alive, the film makers could use their "real life" stories and memories to portray what happened and why they attacked. It's not just all from the perspective of the missionaries, making the native people look like savages. It is true they were killers, and caught in a vicious cycle of revenge killing, but the deception of the Enemy is evident.

-This movie is not about sainthood or martyrdom. Their martyrdom is valid, but the story is about the miracle of how the love of God can transform a heart and life so completely that it is no longer recognizable. It is proof that loving God and loving others really does bring peace. This is the model He tried to give us with the Commandments in His Word -- a picture of how He would treat us, how to love unconditionally and place others above our own selfish desires. Ideally when this model is followed, there is peace. I believe that the harder people try to push God out of the picture, separate Him from "the State", compartmentalize Him in the world, the further we get from true peace. End of the Spear is an example of what it means to do things "God's way" and the success that comes from it.

I hope you'll see this movie. Not because the Christian groups want you to help make it a success at the box office, but because it will change you life. May the Lord strengthen your resolve, and establish a foundation of Love in your heart that will change the world.

this is the great adventure

2006-01-18T09:10:00.000-05:00

Seems like the New Year celebrations for the past few years have brought with them huge changes in my life. New Year's Eve was never exciting in my house; it wasn't until I was a teenager and could go to youth group all-nighters that I really began celebrating them. As the years went on and I celebrated several different ways with the ever-changing groups of people in my life, it became about partying and not about a new chapter. Not partying in a BAD way, but mostly a chance to get together and hang out with friends. It's not a negative thing to hang out with friends, but the focus has changed to something deeper. Every year opens a new chapter in this great adventure with God, and He reveals Himself and His plans in new and exciting ways.

Last year I found myself walking away from the "safe and familiar" church and organizations that had been a part of my life forever. I took a huge leap of faith when Jesus asked me to follow Him, and growth and experience that came with this obedience was unprecedented. It hasn't been easy, and sometimes it has been downright grueling, yet there is a peace that passes all understanding that lies just beneath the surface. It's part of the paradox I have often mentioned; the journey of tribulation and jubilation that IS my existence.

And now, this New Year, the Lord is asking me yet again to trust His ways. We know that His ways are not man's ways, and the reconciling of such truth is not always an easy task. But it comes easier when we realize that while God is not always "safe", He is always Good. His Word promises that ALL things work together for good for those that love Him (Romans 8:28). When that truth is at the core of my being, I can trust Him and rest and in His hands, regardless of the chaos of circumstances swirling around me.

So as I stand on the edge of the unknown and face 2006, there is the slightest fraction of apprehension at the thought of moving in a new direction. But more than that there is EXCITEMENT and ANTICIPATION at the thought of this great adventure in which I am moving. God's word to me this New Year is "DREAM BIG, quit settling for less when I want you to have more!" I feel that He is telling me that I don't have to live like a penniless martyr in a temporary job or living situation in order to be ready to go when He tells me to go. It's ok to want stability and a home of my own, and even something as trivial as a "scrapbooking room". So I am moving towards the sound of His voice, pressing in to feel His heartbeat, and basking in the affection He has for me. As I run through the field of flowers and laugh at the whimsy of His love, I am impassioned to run higher up and further in so I can experience more of what He has for me. My only thought is to know Him more; to seek His face and not just His hand.

Make me what I was created to be, Lord, and let me know you.

in honor of swanger

2005-12-28T20:14:00.000-05:00

Today is one of my best friend's birthday. He has entered the 30's decade, and with more grace than I did, I must say. It's scary to say goodbye to the 20's, but Swanger is handling it very well. So in honor of his birthday, I want to give a shout out to him for being a pretty darn amazing friend.

We met over 15 years ago at church camp. (It seems like the most important people in my life are from "church camp". I'll have to write about that later.) We had some good times over the years, but a real connection started one cold February MANY years later, when I visited Michigan to see someone else, and spent some time with him at his parent's home. I don't know how to describe in words what made the difference. Swanger has this way of looking into your heart and soul. Conversations are rarely surface or superficial. He wants to know what makes you tick. Because authentic relationships are important to me, this quality attracted me like a moth to a flame. I remember spilling out some of the most painful circumstances in my life to him while sitting on the living room couch. (Right after a impromptu sing-a-long at the piano!) The tide of our acquaintance turned at this point toward deeper friendship.

Even more time passed, and more church camp, (even now as adults!), and the bond grew stronger. Several Ohio friends starting visiting Michigan with me, and Swanger became a regular part of our lives. The miles starting racking up, back and forth, on all of our vehicles. God was doing something in our hearts that was making it necessary to see one another, no matter what the cost. We were having fun together, laughing like it was our job, and enjoying and worshipping God together...but God had even bigger plans.

This foundation of friendship became a building block that God used to draw us closer to Him. Swanger and I, and several others, were on a spiritual journey: Each of us asking the Lord our own private questions and petitioning to know Him more. God began to speak to Swanger, who then in turn began to speak to us, and the entire experience revolutionized our relationship with Jesus forever. We had no idea what God had in mind when He drew us all together, but I look back now in utter amazement at the beauty of God's plan. We were able to share with one another in total trust and love the things God was doing, and had the opportunity to share in and praise His goodness. It is a experience we will be able to share forever.

On a lighter note, here is a list of things I am thankful that Swanger shared with me:

1. WILL FERRELL'S BEST OF SNL DVD. Goulet! By far the funniest SNL DVD of all time!
2. LaShish, garlic breath and all!
3. Misty Edwards, the IHOP Diva (I will never forget the impact of the first time we all listened to this CD in Kelly's van)
4. Jason Upton's music. Especially "Fly"...remember getting knocked on our faces during that song?
5. The tour of the Upper Pennisula Fall of '03. Amazing beauty.
6. Our elvish friend, Jen Lombardo and her fiery Furnace.
7. Your amazing gift of leading worship. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your team.
8. Two words: FAMOUS DAVE'S!
9. Hours of cell phone conversations starting with laughter and ending with prayers and prophecy.
10. For loving me with the unconditional love of the Father.

Thanks, my friend, for allowing yourself to be used by God to enrich my life. I can't imagine my life without you.

Happy 30th Birthday, Aaron.

tis the season

2005-12-16T22:42:00.000-05:00

My faith in God and His Creation was given a huge boost this morning. Interestingly enough, it all began around 6:00 AM. I hate that my days have been starting that early because “morning person” I am not. But one of my morning rituals is listening to morning shows on the radio. I specifically look for funny DJ’s who don’t play a lot of music. This may sound strange coming from a music lover, but in the mornings I like to have people talking to me. This morning I was listening to WNCI and within minutes of the show’s start, the DJ’s announced that their plans for the morning were going to be thrown out the window because something else had come up. Let me preface with the news story that inspired the morning programming on the most popular radio show in Central Ohio.

Thursday it was reported that the Salvation Army warehouse in Columbus had been robbed. Someone had stolen over 450 toys and gifts that were being stored for the annual Christmas Party. This event is held by the Salvation Army for local families who can’t afford presents for their children. They provided gifts for over 6500 kids last year. This was a blow to their efforts, especially considering the drop in donations this year due to stores banning their collection buckets and the needs of Hurricane Katrina victims. The DJ’s, as well as the rest of Central Ohio, were outraged that someone would steal toys from needy children. So, Dave & Jimmy decided to set up collections spots around the city to gather donations of toys to replace what was stolen. It was all so touching, and the response was so great, that I spent most of the morning in tears. Dozens of people instantly volunteered their morning, their vehicles, their money…and in the four hours they were on the air, they collected SEVEN THOUSAND TOYS and almost TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS in cash donations to go out and buy MORE toys. What started out as a last minute idea turned out to be a huge success. It was so amazing to see how quickly everyone responded and how generous people could be. Meijer’s Stores donated $5000 in cash, and several Wal*Marts donated hundreds of dollars in gift cards. A local Marine Corp. group donated over a thousand hand-held electronic games. It was just unbelievable.

This is more than just a “touchy feely” story to me. It was such a huge revelation of God’s sovereignty and orchestration. He used a couple of radio DJ’s (who often are so immoral I have to change the station) on a secular station to right the wrong of a thief who meant harm and threatened to “ruin Christmas” for several hundred children. The Salvation Army representatives were on the radio sharing their faith. The abundance of what was donated helped make up for the fact that Target and other stores would not allow the bell ringers outside their store anymore. And I also saw how God honored the Salvation Army for being such a huge part of the Katrina relief. It was all such a beautiful thing. I wish I could have written about it this morning while it was fresh on my heart! But hopefully you will get the point I am trying to make. It was such a beautiful picture painted by God of selfless love and sacrifice. One four year old girl went to the collection site and donated every new toy she had received the day before for her birthday. THAT my friends is the spirit of Christmas!

revelation

2005-12-13T21:06:00.000-05:00

Several weeks ago I wrote about experiencing a spiritual "wilderness". Since then, it hasn't seemed to get any better. It's no wonder, when my life is pretty much centered around my job and I don't have a community that I worship with regularly. I am NOT created for 40+ hours a week in a factory or office. I am created for ministry and relationship building. I long for the day when that is more the focus of my life.

Last Sunday was a great day. I was able to go to the church I love and spend sometime singing and worshipping Jesus. During the sermon, which was about God's plan for us all, the Lord revealed a couple of very important things to my heart. I want to try and communicate these things because they were very impacting.

First, Jesus showed me that I was trying to find my identity in His calling rather than in Him. It doesn't matter if I am working in a factory or in ministry; HE is my center, and I will be known as HIS and not by any title or occupation. This is a difficult achievement in a world that asks not "Who are you?", but "What do you do?". I have faith that He is able to help me rest in the knowledge that I am His beloved, regardless of what might be on my name badge.

Second, and closely related, He revealed to me that validation would not come from achieving the next step (such as making it to language school or full time ministry) but from Him. In my submission to His timing, I am also agreeing to be satisfied wherever He has me. His love, His grace, His mercy . . . . these are my only validation. I am His and He is mine, regardless of where I am. It's not easy to face people sometimes when things seem to be taking longer than what might be considered "normal" as far as fundraising and preparation. Let me be brutally honest: it can be downright paralyzing worrying what "other people" might think. I should not be trying to "prove myself" to anyone. I am called to obey the Lord Jesus Christ, not man.

Breathing in this Truth was very freeing. I felt so much lighter and more peaceful when I left church that morning. Jesus has been faithful, yet again, to speak to my heart when I desperately needed to hear my Husband's voice.

wow

2005-12-10T23:43:00.000-05:00

Three words:

NARNIA! SEE IT!

everybody has their limits

2005-12-10T09:38:00.000-05:00

Working as holiday help the past couple months has been interesting. I have worked in so many small Christian office settings in the past five to six years that I had forgotten what it was like to be surrounded by a large number of fellow employees. The drama in the "real world" can be mildly entertaining at times, and sometimes it can make you crazy. I have a tough time being the one whom everyone comes to to talk about someone else, though I have been in that situation my entire life. I am not sure exactly what it is that makes people feel like they can trust me. Maybe it's because I don't spend my time talking about other people?? Anyway, it can be a big responsibility. In college I had a loveseat in my dorm room that everyone started calling "the therapy couch" because girls would always be in my room sharing their problems and frustrations. I enjoy being able to listen to people and offer advice when they want it, but it can be stressful, too. I'd never make it in the professional counseling world. I will leave that to my unbelievably gifted sister-in-law.

The biggest issue I have right now is my direct supervisor. She is one of the most negative people I have met, though she is really a very nice person. Most of the time I enjoy working with her, but as the holiday rush has hit, she gets more and more difficult. She loses it over the tiny stuff; an error message on the computer screen, the tape gun running out of tape, etc. Yesterday I had to keep to "re-claiming" the day under my breath because she kept saying over and over "This is going to be a bad day" and "We are going to be in backorder hell today". With all I have learned about positive thinking and watching the words that come out of my mouth, it has been increasingly difficult to work around someone so dramatic and negative. I will admit that I am naturally a more laid back person, and I am more reserved (not shy!) so it is easier for me to let things roll off my back. HOWEVER, my supervisor has an extreme case of the opposite!

Well this week has been a long week. I worked 2 hours overtime everyday and we were so swamped with orders that it was tough to keep up. At the end of the day yesterday something went wrong with the engraving machine I was working with and I made a "GRRRRRR" sound out loud. My supervisor looked over at me and laughed and said "You're starting to sound like me!" I looked at her and said, "Well, even I have my limits" and laughed it off.

Her comment brings two things to light. First, she, and undoubtedly others, are noticing how I react to my surroundings. They see how I handle stress and difficulty and they compare it to others. This leads me to believe that they also notice how I react to them 'bad-mouthing' fellow employees. This was a huge reminder to me that I don't live in a bubble and my reputation is at stake.

Second, it reminded me that I need to take care of myself if I expect to continue to be able to not sweat the small the stuff. Coming to work 2 hours early everyday, not going to bed any earlier, and NOT SPENDING ENOUGH QUIET TIME WITH JESUS all factor into whether or not I can adequately portray Jesus to the people I work with. God has given me the grace to be an example of JOY but I can also mess it up pretty good if I am not more intentional about it. Yesterday's comment didn't ruin everything I have tried to convey with my life at work. It's not like I started cussing or throwing things around the room. It just woke me up enough to realize how easy it would be to slip into a negative rut. I don't want to take for granted the opportunity God has given me to shed His light in the workplace.

christmas music? what?

2005-11-28T23:37:00.000-05:00

Every year I go through this apprehension when it comes to Christmas music. Don’t get me wrong, I ADORE Christmas music, and even more, the Reason for it. But everyone is in such a rush to bring in the Christmas season, and I am always worried about hearing the music “too soon”. I’m afraid of it losing it’s magic and appeal if I hear it too soon. And I am always shocked at how fast time is flying by and how the holidays sneak up on me every single year. [I am a “Chrismas Eve Shopper”; one of those insane people who waits until the last possible minute to hit the malls. It is part procrastination, part financial necessity, but it’s all true!]

I listened to some great Christmas music over the weekend (thanks Swanger!) and it felt right. So, I gathered up all my Christmas CD’s, took them to work with me today, and popped a few in periodically throughout the day. The last one I listened to today is one of my favorites—RelientK’s “Deck the Halls, Bruise Your Hand”. Before you laugh at the prospect of Christmas punk music, read the words to my favorite song on the album:

“And with Christmas wish is missed the point I could convey;
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much you’ve touched my life,
Because,
Here is where you’re finding me, in the exact same place as New Year’s Eve,
And from the lack of my persistence here, we’re less than half as close as I wanna be.

And the first time that you opened your eyes,
Did you realize that you would be my Savior?
And the first breath that left your lips…
Did you know that it would change this world forever?

And so this Christmas I’ll compare,
The things I’ve felt in prior years;
To what this Midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here.

To look back and think that this Baby would one day save me.
And the hope that, that You were born, were born so I might really live.
To look back and think that this Baby would one day save me…

And the first time that you opened your eyes,
Did you realize that you would be my Savior?
And the first breath that left your lips…
Did you know that it would change this world forever?

And I…I celebrate the day that You…You were born to die,
So I could one day pray for you to save my life…
Pray for you to save my life…
Pray for you to save my life.”

What makes it all even more wonderful is that it is written in the Ben Fold’s Five--“Brick”--90’s--melancholy--piano--style that I absolutely love. I tear up every time.

The point is, however, is in the reflection. Am I different than I was a year ago? Have I pursued Him the way I so desperately wanted to? Do I take this season for granted; getting caught up in the materialism, or do I remember the simplicity of this supernatural event that changed the world forever?

It is my prayer that I will take every opportunity to reflect on His love and sacrifice for me, and that I will continue to pursue Him in the year to come. He is so worthy of the pursuit! As we worship Jesus this Christmas season, may He give us an deeper understanding of the gift He has given us.

aslan is on the move

2005-11-03T20:11:00.000-05:00

In honor of the upcoming December '05 premiere of CS Lewis', "The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe", on the BIG screen, I have been re-reading the Chronicles of Narnia that I enjoyed so much as a child. I never owned the set, but instead borrowed them from the library. A few months ago, however, my mom found a boxed set at yard sale and brought them home to me. I was thrilled to own them at last! So I started out in September reading them, starting with "The Magician's Nephew" this time instead of TLTW&TW. Because it tells the tale of how Narnia began, new prints of the series are being re-numbered to begin with what had been the 6th book out of seven. I am enthralled, even more today than I was when I was a kid. A pale comparison would be that of the Looney Toons. When you watch them as a child you laugh at the sight gags and the shenanigans. As you get older, you laugh at the political satire and jokes only adults can understand. These books are much like that, because beyond the fantasy and obvious correlations with Scripture are the deeper spiritual truths. I was struck by one passage in particular while reading "Prince Caspian".

The whole story leads you to a battle in the end to restore the rightful King of Narnia, Prince Caspian. There is one valiant character, Reepicheep, who is a two foot tall talking mouse. He and his 11 companions are swordsmen and intensely loyal subjects. Reepicheep is pretty mouthy, and his speech is much larger than his stature. He is, of course, over-compensating for his size and because of all of the abuse he had suffered being the brunt of cheese and mousetrap jokes. But he is endearing and very brave, and fights almost to the point of death. Aslan (all I can say for those of you who have not read the series is that he is a lion and represents the Son of God in the story line. That's a pathetically sparse explanation, but I will leave it alone to save time. SEE THE MOVIE AND THEN READ THE BOOKS-PEOPLE!) has the little girl, Lucy, apply the magic cordial to his wounds, and he comes around, but only to realize that he's lost his tail. Here is the conversation that takes place. (Forgive me for the length! It's important!)

"It becomes you very well, Small One, " said Aslan.
"All the same," replied Reepicheep, "if anything can be done...perhaps her Majesty?" and here he bowed to Lucy.
"But what do you want with a tail?" asked Aslan.
"Sir," said the Mouse, "I can eat and sleep and die for my King without one. But a tail is the honour and glory of a Mouse."
"I have sometimes wondered, friend," said Aslan, "whether you do not think too much about your honour."

The next few lines consist of Reepicheep trying to defend his need for honor in a world that judges dignity in inches. Aslan notices something else.

"Why have your followers all drawn their swords, may I ask?" said Aslan.
"May it please your High Majesty," said the second Mouse, whose name was Peepiceek, "we are all waiting to cut off our own tails if our Chief must go without his. We will not bear the shame of wearing an honour which is denied to the High Mouse."
"Ah!" roared Aslan, "you have conquered me. You have great hearts. Not for the sake of your dignity, Reepicheep, but for the love that is between you and your people,

[WARNING WARNING WARNING! SLIGHT MOVIE SPOILER!]

and still more for the kindness your people showed me long ago when you ate away the cords that bound me on the stone table (and it was then, though you have long forgotten it, that you began to be Talking Mice), you shall have your tail again."

Here is why I am so thrilled with the passage that I highlighted in bold. It reminds me of the passage in Song of Solomon, chapter 4 verse 9 that reads "You have captured my heart, my sister, my bride." In studying SOS from the perspective of the book being a letter from Jesus to His Bride, that verse shows His great affection for us, just the way we are. In the story, Aslan knows Reepicheep well enough to know that pride sometimes gets the best of him, and he is called on it. Aslan knows his weakness. However, in his weakness, he sees the purity of his heart, and the hearts of his friends in the love that they have for one another. He is captured by the purity of Reep's motives and it draws even more affection from the great lion. He did not condone his pride issue, and in fact, continues in his final comments to disapprove. However, he shows mercy and restores his tail. I am convinced that mercy drew Reep closer to Aslan and inspired him to become more like Aslan more than the punishment he may have deserved.

And so it is with us. When we know our Lord as someone who accepts us in our weakness, who loves us unconditionally and completely, we are inspired to follow Him to the ends of the earth. It is love, not legalism, that transforms our hearts and minds and leads us to Christlikeness. In our pursuit of Him, it is the loves He gives us that sustains us, compels us, and teaches us to love others. A love like that could change the world...

celebration

2005-10-30T18:52:00.000-05:00

We had a joyful celebration tonight. My "little" cousin, Em, turned 18 years old today. I have posted about my family before, and have mentioned how large it is. However, most live too far away to keep in touch. My mom's sister is the closest in proximity, and has been the closest family we have had growing up. I think everyone has one aunt that they are especially fond of, and Aunt Beth would be mine. She has been such a big part of my and my brother's lives. Because of this relationship, Emily is the closest cousin I have, though she is a great deal younger than I.

Em has always been great. For some reason being an only child did not have an adverse effect on her. She has, in fact, always been exceptionally mature for her age. When I was in college, my friends and I went on monthly "Girl's Night Outs". At that point, Em was about 12 or 13, and she would come along with my college friends and I out to dinner, movies, shopping... I only hope we were a positive influence!! When she was a child she used to come to visit and we would get out the box of all my old Barbie dolls with all the clothes and furniture and play with them for hours. It's been neat watching her grow up.

The past year has been very special. She has grown into such a beautiful and talented young lady, and has begun her senior year in high school. She also starting attending the church where I have been volunteering in student ministry. I have had the opportunity to watch her grow in Jesus the past few months, and just two weeks ago, got to watch her get baptized. I can't tell you how overwhelmed I felt seeing her take this step. God has blessed her with so many gifts, and I can see the potential of what is to come. I am thrilled at the prospect of how God is going to work in her life.

Today she turned 18, and it was emotional for her parents and for me. Wasn't it just last week that we were playing Barbies on the floor of my bedroom? Today she has her own car, is making plans for senior pictures and for going to college. It blows me away to see how time has passed. But Jesus has been in it, and I am so grateful for the relationship He has given us.

Here is a picture, isn't she beautiful?

punkin' mania

2005-10-20T21:40:00.000-04:00

Well, I couldn't let this week go by without mentioning the famous Annual Pumpkin Show in Circleville. It's funny how something so "trivial" can become such major part of your life. Last year I was in Colorado the entire month of October, and missed the Show completely. I remember very well being extremely disappointed, because I know it was the first year I had missed since I was in grade school. I had Autumn buy me a stromboli from the Church of God booth and some pumpkin fudge and freeze them for me. But let me rewind a bit.

The Pumpkin Show is the 6th largest festival in the US, and in it's 99th year. Every year it is held the third week of October, and I am telling you, the entire town shuts town. Five city blocks are blocked in the very center of town and filled with booths selling pumpkin food, pumpkin crafts, and actual pumpkins of all sizes. I think this year's winning pumpkin weighed in around 951 lbs. Pumpkin growing is an art form in Pickaway county. You can eat everything from pumpkin pie to pumpkin pizza, and Lindsey's Bakery window proudly displays the 5-6 foot pumpkin pie. Last year's pumpkin pie weighed over 350 pounds and stretched 5 feet in diameter and took more than 80 pounds of cooked pumpkin, 36 pounds of sugar, 13 gallons of milk, 12 dozen eggs, three pounds of cornstarch, one pound pumpkin spice, 1 pound of salt and 30 pounds of pie dough. It's insane, but there's more.

Everyone is affected, and everyone reacts differently. Many people save vacation time, though for different reasons. Some people take vacation to get out of town, and some take vacation to be downtown every possible minute. Several women I work with took yesterday off so that they could enter their young daughters in the Little Miss Pumpkin Show contest. I have friends who spent the week in Myrtle Beach...

City kids are out of school Weds-Fri, and every local school takes a teacher in-service day on Friday, and even college Fall Breaks fall on the same weekend. The town swells to accommodate about 400,000 people before it's all said and done, which is quite a feat for a town of around 13,000 people.

So why all the hoopla about a street festival? Well, there are several reason why I love it so much. First of all, pumpkin is my favorite flavor, next to chocolate. Any festival that wants to sell me all kinds of pumpkin flavored foods is alright in my book. Second, it's about the time of year; Fall is my favorite season and October is the height of color and semi-cool weather. I say semi-cool because in Ohio, one day of the Show can be 80 degrees, and the next could be 40. You never know! I remember wearing shorts one year, and heavy coats and gloves the next.

But third, and most important, is the social aspect. Pumpkin Show is a time for everyone to "come home". I run into high school and college buddies I never see otherwise, because people come out of the woodwork for the Show. I get to see who has children, and who is home from college, etc. It's a great time. I have experienced the Show from many different aspects, from working food booths to parking cars, from living and working downtown to driving in from my parents...It's all been great times. It's a major part of my life every year. I'm thankful for such a fun tradition that enriches my life.

Time for some pumpkin fudge!

workin 9 to 5

2005-10-12T21:13:00.000-04:00

I got a new job this month. I must EMPHASIZE the word NEW. It's new because I just got it, but it's also new because it's something I have never done before. I am working as holiday factory help for a company called Pharmart. Basically it boils down to picking, packing, and personalizing retail gift items. And it's not really 9-5, because the past week and a half I have been working 8-5 and next week I am not sure what my hours will be. I heard a rumor that eventually my shift will be 10-6, but who knows?

I really believe that God provided this job for me. When I applied for the job I was going for a temporary office position. It was neat to see how God orchestrated it; from how I heard about the opening, the interview, and the timing of when I started working. I didn't get the position I applied for because it had been filled by the time I got interviewed, so they offered me the position in the factory. (The temporary they had recently hired had broken her hand couldn't do the work.)

It has been a tough transition. I am not accustomed to working 40+ hours, nor am I used to being on my feet all day. I only get 30 minutes for lunch, and I am used to taking as much time as I want. There are tons of new people, a new organism (the "company") to get adjusted to. But the people are nice, and I am catching on to the policies and procedures. I have learned that I am great with an engraving computer. SO guess what everyone is getting for Christmas??

I am thankful for the job, no matter how tough the transition. God has proven His sovereign faithfulness once again.

pics

2005-10-12T20:33:00.000-04:00

Here's a picture of Benner square dancing, as promised!

swing your partner

2005-10-06T20:08:00.000-04:00

Last weekend I held a square dance as a fund-raiser. Let me just say, while it was fun, it was also a LOT of work. I guess you could consider it successful, but of course, it didn't go exactly how I envisioned it. There were, however, two major highlights that evening. 1) My brother and his wife, Mindy, surprised me by driving in from Indiana. I was so stressed out for the 72 hours before hand, that I was a bundle of emotions boiling beneath the surface. When I saw their faces, the tears just exploded. I just couldn't help it! But it was all good and I was happy to see the them.

2) The second highlight was my friend, Benner, came and brought his girlfriend. He made some noise about not dancing, but ended up dancing anyway. His girlfriend left him high and dry and refused, so he danced with the Caller's wife (cowgirl hat and all!). Now, while some of you will automatically see the humor in this and fall over laughing, some of you might not quite get it. (Some of you are probably still trying to figure out what a "Caller" is!) Benner is the lead singer in a heavy metal band, long hair and all, and not the type of person you'd expect to see square dancing with a woman in her 60's wearing a cowgirl outfit. It was hysterical. And I loved every minute of it!

Speaking of the Caller, he was a riot in and of himself. He was a very "high tech redneck" with all of his music downloaded on a laptop and hooked up to the sound equipment. He even had what I call a "Madonna microphone", which is a headset mic that we see the rockstars wear on stage. He really gets into his hobby. And that's not all. Often during the evening we were treated to his singing, as he would just start singing along with the soundtrack in the middle of a song. He never "performed" a song, but enjoyed singing a verse here and there. It made me laugh. My 17 year old cousin, however, thought it was extremely annoying. Kids today. No sense of humor! She'd probably think a genius like Danny Kaye was annoying, too...

PS: I will have to post more pictures later. My ISP is too slow!

the wilderness

2005-09-23T23:25:00.000-04:00

The past few months if my life have been tough.

If you would ask me about last year, I would be gushing with amazing stories of a “romantic stage” with Jesus. It was a time of unbelievable transformation—a wooing or courtship phase where God lavished His love and blessings. The reality of His unconditional love and passion for me washed over my heart like a mighty rushing river. The growth that I experienced was unprecedented and can be marked by the “cliff dives” of faith I made as He led me through some of the biggest decisions of my life. I found myself in a place of lovesickness that facilitated an abandonment and willingness within myself to free fall from any height into His arms.

But this year…this year has been a time of wandering through the wilderness place below the “cliffs of obedience”. Here I face loneliness; where I feel like no one on earth understands who I am or what I am going through in this stage of my life. I face the anxiety of balancing His will and my effort. And I face the struggle for patience as I wait for His direction on the next step I should take in this journey. Last year I was standing on the mountain top, looking at the bright future laid out before me, knowing that I was being prepared for that time. This year I stand at the base, wishing I could see if I am getting any closer. In my heart, the goal is still the same; day by day seeking His face as he shows me the way. But the tug-o-war is between despair and hope, and everyday is a battle. I find myself longing for the euphoria of discovery and revelation I felt last year.

How do we reconcile what we KNOW with what we FEEL? Sometimes it’s impossible. But I have found that He is faithful to give us what we need when we need it. This weekend is an example.

I have been in a conference this weekend specific to the calling God has placed on my life. In the midst of the statistics and facts, there have been gems of revelation. Or should I say recollection? As the speakers have been sharing the most effective ways to reach this specific people group, they have confirmed several things that God has taught me as I have been in preparation the past couple of years. Over and over they have pinpointed specific problems in the way the church does ministry, where we have fallen short, and what it is going to take to regain the ground we have forfeited. All the while these revelations are ringing in my ears, and suddenly the changes He has asked me to allow Him to make within my heart and life are making sense! There is a glimmer of understanding and the peace of knowing that He truly does know what it best, and can see the end from the beginning. And so this time of loneliness and struggle in the wilderness suddenly becomes a little more tolerable, not just because I can see the fruits of the work He has done, but because I can once again see the Light at the end of the tunnel. And I know beyond a shadow of doubt that it has been worth it all. Just one glimpse of His providence and I am hooked and anticipating what He holds in store.

30

2005-09-13T22:31:00.000-04:00

A few months ago I turned 30. I guess it would be considered a milestone; like 16, 18, 21, 30, the big 40 and so on. Some of the people I love most in the world celebrated the occasion with me. I had wanted to have a cookout, but about 30 minutes before the guests were to arrive, we had the “storm of the century". So we had to move everything indoors, while dad grilled on the front porch. We still had plenty of food, folks, and fun…so it was a good time!

I wasn’t sure how turning 30 years old would affect me, if at all. I did, however, have a few moments of reflection, and that reflection threatened to shift into depression. As I analyzed where I am in life, I realized that it looked nothing like I had imagined it would look. I thought about the different dreams, goals, and expectations I had as a child, teenager, and in college, and I came to the conclusion that very little in my life looked like I had hoped. I had high hopes for my calling, dreams of marriage, children, and my own home . . .you know, all the things we view as successful, and what society equates to happiness. I find myself at 30 years old still waiting for these dreams to materialize, and it seems depressing and hopeless. I’ll be painfully honest and say that I felt some pretty strong feelings of despair, disappointment, and even self-pity.

I don’t, however, feel like a failure. That may have been the next logical step in my line of thinking. It’s hard for me to look at the life I have lived, the spiritual journey I have been on, and say it’s been a waste of time. Or that it’s not what I really wanted. All the material objects and achievements in the world could not begin to compare to the joy I have found in Jesus, the lessons I have learned from the trials of my life, or the LOVE that He has shown me. It is this joy that kept me from dwelling on what I DON’T have and focus on what I DO have in Jesus. This peace that I have found gives me the faith to believe that whatever my desires are, I will have them, if they are for my good. And whatever isn’t, will melt away as I pursue the Author and Finisher of my faith.

My life is not over. I am still too young for a “mid-life crisis”! And as His dreams and ambitions continue to become mine, I know that I will find true contentment.

crisis of faith

2005-09-10T15:04:00.000-04:00

I have been reading the blogs and email updates of my friends, and today I came across an update from some friends who are ministering in the Dominican Republic. Drew and Dana Strait are working with children, both natives of the D.R. and Haiti. They reflected a little on the suffering they have seen, and it got me thinking about the suffering going on in the world: Tsunami victims, hurricane victims, starving children, and even our own tragedies and trials. The following is a direct quote from the Straits' email update:

"Dietrich Bonhoeffer shed thoughtful light on God's character and suffering when he said, 'That is why it is good to learn early that suffering and God are not contradictions, but rather a necessary unity. For me, the idea that it is really God who suffers has always been one of the most persuasive teachings of Christianity. I believe that God is closer to suffering than to happiness, and that finding God in this way brings peace and repose and a strong, courageous heart' (Meditations On the Cross).

I was talking to another friend recently about how she had been living in sin, but living very well by the world's standards. Relationship, possessions, career...and then it all began crashing down around her, and even to the point of beginning lose her health. It struck me not how unfair these things seemed, or even that God was punishing her for her lifestyle, but how much God must LOVE her to use such drastic measures to wake her up, to bring her back to His loving arms. We have all heard the argument that atheists pose for their lack of belief: "If there is a loving God, how can He allow such suffering?" But if you look at it from the faith side, from Bonhoeffer's side, it is God who is really suffering. He is the One who is all-seeing and all-knowing; watching the children He loves destroy themselves from the inside out, and constantly settle for less than the blessings and dreams He has for us. We are living "beneath our station" of royalty and children of the King of the Universe. It is suffering that brings dependence and intimacy.

The Word talks a lot about suffering:

"Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. 'Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how.'" Matthew 16:24

"I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it." Phil. 3:10

Aye, and there's the rub! In order to experience the power of resurrection we have to taste the bitterness of death. Death to self, death to idols, death to success the "World's way". And that's where WE THE WORLD have the problem. Some people look at the southern States and think, "What in the world have we done to deserve this? Why is God allowing such a thing?" I am in by no means saying that it is not a tragedy, because it is. People have died without salvation, and it is devastating. Children are orphaned and lost and starving and it's heartbreaking.

But if God is "closer to suffering than happiness", can we look through the eyes of FAITH and wonder, is this God's way of getting closer to us? Is this His way of drawing us into intimacy? Can we think this way and not be offended at the way God has moved? Will this make us walk away or give us "peace and repose and a courageous heart"? Can we forsake all that is 'SAFE' for what is truly GOD?

I pray for the kind of faith that trusts God's sovereignty, even in the face of suffering, no matter what the cost. And I pray for the kind of wisdom that reminds that this world is only a shadow in comparison to an eternity with Jesus.

the fam

2005-09-07T01:50:00.000-04:00

Labor Day has come and gone. For most people I think it is just a fun 3 day weekend, but for me growing up, it was time for the FAMILY REUNION!! Every year my mom's side of the family meets at the old "homestead" in southern Ohio (that's O-HI-UH where my family is from!) for what we affectionately call a "Homecoming". Some spend the whole weekend camping close by, some come Sunday night and stay in a nearby hotel and meet around a camp fire and share testimonies. Most come on Monday, just in time for the huge spread of homemade food across the make-shift tables of saw horses and plywood. I usually choose the hotel route...

Let me try to paint you a little more vivid picture. My great grandparents lived on the farm where we meet, which is named "Busy Bee". (We have no idea why!) My great grandfather moved here from West Virginia, and he chose southern Ohio, I think, because it's not much different! Anyway, my great grandmother was his THIRD wife. His first two wives had passed away, the first wife giving him 6 children, the second dying of an illness before she could have any kids. His third wife, my great grandma, was around the same age as his oldest children when he married her. She had TWELVE children, one of which was my grandma Joy, whom I am named after. With a base of 18 kids, can you imagine the amount of first cousins my mom has?? And the amount of people who might be at our family reunion?

The above picture was taken last year at the reunion. It is a picture of my Great Aunt Hope, one of the "original twelve", as we call them. She is on the back of one of her nephew's motorcycles. Aunt Hope is in her 80's, and in the past few years, unfortunately, has started growing senile. This is a cute picture to most, but to those of us who know her, it's a miracle. It's highly unlikely that if she were altogether herself that she would have ever taken a ride on the back of that motorcycle!! It's bittersweet because on one hand it is good to see she is having fun, but on the other, she had to wait until she was in her 80's and losing her memory to lose some of her inhibitions to do so. There are only 4 of the original twelve left now. My grandmother died in 1978. I was only three and don't even remember her. But she and her siblings left quite a legacy of service for Jesus, and I meet people all the time who knew them and were impacted by them. While I know they weren't perfect, it's neat to see the lives that Jesus touched through them. Gives me hope that He will be able to use me.

I didn't get to go to Busy Bee this year and see my family. With the astronomical gas prices and my own mother's health, it just wasn't practical. I talked to one of my first cousins and she said numbers were down in general. That's too bad. I hope that my generation will be able and willing to keep the tradition going. Someday I'd like to be the octogenarian great aunt riding on the back of a Harley...

goodbyes

2005-09-03T13:10:00.000-04:00

One of things I have mentioned learning about is how to say healthy goodbyes. You might be thinking "how can a goodbye could be healthy or un-healthy in normal life?", but in my line of work, it makes a difference. I am not saying goodbye 'until tomorrow', I am learning to say goodbye with the possibility of it being for good. So what does a healthy goodbye entail? What makes it healthy? I am by no means on expert on this because I still struggle with the whole business! My emotions are on such a rollercoaster sometimes that one of two things happen: either they spill out in tears or roll over the people I love in frustrated anger. You would think I could get a grip, but the last couple of years have been rather tough to process. Very few people truly understand what I am going through, and the ones who REALLY understand are spread out all over the world doing the Lord's work. So in saying goodbye someone, it's difficult to say what I really want to say.

For example, my girl, Autumn, just left for college. You'd think by the wave of emotions rolling though me that she was my younger sister, or my own daughter or something. Truth is we have become so close in the past year that it really IS like that. Her family is as much a part of my life as my own. And her brother, Jonathan, left for college the week before...above is a picture of them over the summer. There have been a lot of goodbyes in the past few weeks as friends and students I have worked with are moving away to school. I had to write Jonathan and Autumn letters because I really couldn't get my feelings past the lump in my throat. But that is an example of the first step to a healthy goodbye--actually finding a way to SAY IT. I know some would rather just skip it. But that only leads to regret. I want the people I love to know how they impacted my life. And not just when I am saying goodbye; all throughout the relationship. So even if I have to write letters to every person I know to get my true feelings out, I am willing to do that.

A healthy goodbye paves the road for a healthy re-aquaintance in the future. When you walk away from someone's life for a long period of time, everything changes. Time doesn't stand still in order for you to pick up where you left off. So the place where you left off should be a positive one so new common ground is easier to plow. Lord, give me the strength to reign in my emotions so I can show people how I truly feel about them; not just when I say goodbye, but every day I have left with them.

me? a mentor??

2005-08-28T12:56:00.000-04:00

Aren't these the most beautiful little girls you have ever seen? (From the left to right, we have Liz, Rachel, and Autumn.) Ok, so they're not so little; two of them start college this fall, and one is engaged to be married. These girls are from the student ministry I have been working with for the past 3 or 4 years. More specifically, they have been my small group, or "cell" group, and eventually the four of us formed an accountability group. Needless to say, I am really close to these girls. I have been a part of their lives since they were in junior high!

It's an amazing responsibility to be placed in a mentoring position. I must say that I learned as much from them as they might have learned from me. The time I have spent with them over the years has been a BLAST. These are the silliest and most hilarious girls of all time. There have been tough times--times I wish I could protect them from the storms of life, or from making poor choices. I had to learn, however, that they belonged to God, not me. I can only hope that the example I lived before them had a positive impact and that Jesus was reflected. I often wonder why He uses me for ministry such as this, and then I remember the "resumes" of the disciples and the apostles, and everyone else He has used throughout history. Then I don't feel quite so bad. It's not that I am able, but that I am willing to be used by God. It has become another confirmation that "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called". It's another step in the journey, preparing me for the future.

Because these beautiful ladies are moving on and moving out, our relationship will never be the same. It makes me sad. But I thank God for the bond that has been created, for it's the type of bond that will stand the test of time.

welcome to another world

2005-08-25T13:43:00.000-04:00

Recently I had the opportunity to visit the U.K. for some training. They really had to twist my arm to get me to go, but I finally relented. Yea right! I was stoked! I spent 8 days in southern England, and in a word, it was BRILLIANT! The climate, the people, the fresh fish for dinner. . . a friend of mine, Swanger, asked if I would consider living there? In a heart beat, my friends! I don't feel bad at all for praying that God will send me to the U.K. someday. I just wish I had a chance to see more of the country, but they had us pretty busy in training.

I included this picture because it's one of my favorites. It's the view out the window of my Bed & Breakfast. I was so excited to get all of my film developed--all six rolls! :) It has yet to cease to amaze me how God is blessing me on this journey. To be able to meet His people all over the country, and now THE WORLD, is a blessing I truly underestimated. We had the opportunity to look at so many different cultures and it is beautiful how everyone is so different. It shows the majesty of God and His creativity to see such huge differences and yet still have the common thread of Christ's love to hold us together. I also chose this picture because it signifies how my worldview is changing . . . with every person I meet and every place I go, my eyes are being opened to how grand the plan of God truly is. He also shows me the great span of His Hand -- it has to be huge for all of us to fit in the palm of it! :)

Into British stuff? Try this link, smash hits, and listen to the online radio station. It's brilliant!

Look out for those PROJECTILES!

2005-08-24T11:47:00.000-04:00

If I had to narrow down all the training I have had in the past couple of years, it would be with two words SELF-AWARENESS. I have learned about my personality and how I relate to other people, leadership, and my God. I have learned about how my past may affect my future, how I might react in a crisis situation, how to travel alone, and how say goodbye in a healthy way that won't leave loose ends. I have been scrutinized by others, which can be very uncomfortable! I have listened to what other people think of me and tried to take things constructively. I have cried, and laughed, and cried some more. But in all of this I feel that God is preparing me for the Calling He has placed on my life. In one of my training settings I was presented with the De-motivators website where I found the poster shown to the right. It sums up perfectly what I have been trying to accomplish in the past couple years of becoming more "self-aware". When armed with a better understanding of who I am in Christ, there will be fewer surprises (or PROJECTILES!) that can threaten to bring a raging storm on my life and ministry. It is said that the number one reason why people leave my ministry is an inability to get along with their teammates, and not too far down on the list are personal problems that only intensify as the huge changes and transitions come along. The changes are unavoidable, but the awareness is up to us! It's not easy sometimes, but God has been right there in the middle of it; showing me where I need to allow Him to tweak things, and encouraging me in the places where I have been successful. Sometimes I have had to throw up my hands and say "Just start all over, Lord!" But He is faithful. And I trust Him for my preparation, regardless of how painful it might be!

i CHOOSE joy--or did joy CHOOSE me?

2005-08-22T01:03:00.000-04:00

Webster describes 'joy' as "a very glad feeling; happiness; delight". The Christian hymn speaks of "joy unspeakable and full of glory". According to paid advertisements, "JOY" can be found in a sink full of dirty dishes. But how do we as followers of Christ define joy?

I have found in my short 30 years that definitions differ from person to person, and often become relative to circumstances. But the joy we search for, even crave, cannot be found in circumstances, and certainly not in a sink of dirty dishes! As our journeys in Christ continue on we are often taught that Christ's joy should be unshakable, even foundational, and has little to do with whether we are "happy or delighted". His joy comes from knowing the end of the story. It's like the southern gospel tune, "I read the back of the book, and WE WIN!" We find in strength in knowing Who is in control of the storms around us, and can therefore say we have found true joy.

But what about when that storm hits? How about that unexpected detour in our journey that leads us to a place we never imagined? When we are standing alone, soaked to the bone in life's reality, can we still say there is joy? Can we peer through the darkness and thank God we're facing this trial or even tragedy?

Looking back, I can mark my life by the storms that have raged. I'd like to say that I have learned a lesson or some deep spiritual truth from every one of them. But, while the Lord has certainly provided revelations over time that have shaped my life, there are still questions in the back of my mind. But a decision was made long ago -- a crisis of faith -- and it has kept me from completely cracking under the pressure. I have chosen joy -- I trust that all things work together for good because I love the Lord Jesus Christ and I know He sees the end from the beginning. But Joy has also chosen me -- it is by his grace that joy is cultivated within me. I have chosen the seed, but He supplies the growth by His grace.

And so I have chosen to create this blog in order to share my journey; the experiences, the blessings, the miracles, the lessons and the TRIALS that come on this path that God has chosen for me. It is my prayer that I will honor Him and that He will use my life to touch others.